In An Instant
by madeleine68
Summary: Collab with DustyMonkey. Alex and Olivia have been together for three years. But after Alex volunteers for an undercover assignment that goes horribly wrong, she and Olivia are left to pick up the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

**Olivia's POV**

As soon as I hear our apartment door open and then immediately slam, followed by a heavy sigh and hurried footsteps, I know my love is home. And not in the best of moods.

I poke my head out the bathroom door as she walks by, still towel drying my wet hair. "Hey, baby," I say with a smile.

She attempts a smile of her own but it falls short and she sighs again. "Hi. Sorry I'm late. _Again._"

It's the third time she's been late this week and from the tone of her voice she knows it, so I decide not to make a big deal out of it. I feel bad for showering without her. One of our favorite things to do together after a long day of work is to climb into the shower together. What starts out as a serious shower usually turns into a soap suds fight followed by fits of giggles. You'd never guess we were two professional women by our mentality in the shower.

I drop the towel from my hair and approach my love. She's upset and I know it and as soon as I'm an arm's length away, she reaches out and initiates the embrace. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I know we had plans tonight. I hate that this damn case is taking up all my time." When we break apart, she runs her hand through my still damp hair. "It will be over in a couple days and we can go back to normal."

I smile as her hand wanders to my cheek and lingers there. "Alex, we were never _normal__._ What are you talking about?"

This gets a laugh out of her. That sound is one of my favorites in the world. Alex's laughter is musical. Her usually husky voice turns completely melodic when she laughs and no matter how bad the day has been, it always makes me feel better. This is at the top of my list of never-ending things I love about this beautiful woman.

I give Alex a quick kiss. "Don't go into our bedroom without me. I'm going to finish getting dressed."

A sly smile creeps onto Alex's face as she fingers the towel that's wrapped around me. "You don't _have _to get dressed . . ."

It's my turn to laugh. "Counselor, you have a pretty dirty mind." I wink at her as I step back toward the bathroom door. "I mean it, Alex; don't go into our bedroom. Wait for me." My tone is stern and Alex raises her eyebrows into one of her 'Liv's weird' looks but nods. She's removing her jacket as she walks towards the living room.

I dress quickly, a huge smile on my face the entire time. I can't wait for Alex to see the surprise I have for her. It's going to cheer her up so much. I know she's probably sitting on the couch in anticipation right now. I know she won't peek. She'll wait, just as I asked her to. I slow down a bit just to maintain the suspense. I'm so mean.

Sure enough, when I emerge from the bathroom and enter the living room, I do indeed find Alex seated on the sofa. She has an open can of Diet Coke on the coffee table in front of her and the local news turned on. She looks at me when I enter. "You know, I would appreciate being able to get out of my work clothes. I don't want to wear this suit all night. But my girlfriend won't let me into my own room." She tries to sound irritated but fails miserably. I pick up amusement in her voice instead.

I stand right in front of her and stroke the fabric on the shoulder of her light blue blazer. "But you look so sexy right now." My fingers wander to the buttons on the pink blouse she's wearing underneath and I undo two of them quickly. "Hmm . . . this may be better though."

Alex playfully swats my hand away. "Would you please let me go change?" I don't answer and I watch her studying my expression intently. A smile plays at the ends of her mouth. "What are you up to, Miss Benson?"

I shrug and fall onto the sofa next to her. "You know, I _am _a detective. I know the real reason you've been late coming home all week. You aren't working on that case. You found another little love muffin, didn't you?"

Alex laughs that wonderful laugh again, and I know I've got her. She loves these little games we play. "Did I leave behind too much evidence? Damn. I thought I had learned to cover my tracks better. I guess dating a cop didn't do much for me."

I take a strand of Alex's lush blonde hair and it curl it around my finger. "So who is it? That brunette intern that started last month? Hmm? Or someone from my department?"

Alex smiles again and leans her head onto my shoulder. I can feel her totally relaxing and loosening up under my gentle touch and it warms my heart that I can do this for her after a hard day. I start to stroke her hair as she giggles a bit and says, "You really don't want to know, Liv."

Curiously I prod her further. "I want to know who I need to fight."

Silence for a moment. Then Alex says, "Okay. You got me. It's Munch."

And suddenly we're both laughing. The very idea of Alex having an affair with Munch is just too humorous. In fact, if I ever caught them together, I wouldn't be mad; I would find it so hilarious I would probably die in a fit of laughter.

"Wow, that's . . . surprising," I say, laughing again. "Munch."

Alex nods and I feel her adjust her position so her head is now resting on my chest. "Uh-huh. He's got me hooked on his conspiracy forums and everything. We got engaged tonight." She pulls away from me long enough to look at me with a smile. "You happy for me, babe?"

"Thrilled, sweetie." I don't give Alex a chance to settle back down against me. I stand up and offer my hand to my girlfriend. "Now let's go celebrate your upcoming nuptials."

Alex allows me to pull her up from the sofa and lead her into the bedroom. Pausing just outside the door, I tell Alex to close her eyes. She obeys and I pull her into the bedroom and stop with her just in front of the bed. "Okay, now you can open them."

As soon as Alex's eyes fall on the bed, a huge smile graces her beautiful face. I've littered our red bedspread with white rose petals and placed a single rose on our middle pillow. Alex loves white roses and I love to surprise her with them just as much.

While Alex picks up the single rose I move to our dresser and take the bouquet down. She looks first at the vase in my hands and then into my eyes. Hers are shining with tears of joy and mine are about to do the same. "A dozen. Just for you."

Alex takes the bouquet from me and adds the single rose. "Liv, this is so wonderful . . ." Her voice is shaky with emotion and she hugs me tightly, using the arm that isn't cradling the vase of roses. "Thank you. But it isn't a special occasion." I watch her wrack her brain, searching for any important date she might have missed. "Why did you do this?"

"Because you're you." I close the space between us and capture her cherry-colored lips with mine. She hasn't removed her lipstick yet and I know I'm being smeared, but I don't care. When the need to breathe becomes too much, I release her and we rest our foreheads together. "And any time I get to spend with you is precious and special."

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

When I wake up the next morning in my favourite way with my favourite detective beside me, I can't help but smile. The roses Olivia gave me last night are sitting on our vanity and I smile at the memory. Olivia always knows how to cheer me up after a hard day. As soon as I was with her, I instantly forgot the trying case and Nora's stupidity and all the anxiety I was carrying because I was so swamped with paperwork. When I'm with her, the whole world falls away until it's only the two of us. When I'm with her, everything is perfect.

I glance at the clock. It's almost six, and I should be getting up right about now, but I have a problem. Olivia's arm is draped over me, which usually makes me feel safe and loved and special, but right now, I want to get up without waking her. She's a hardworking lady and she deserves what little sleep-in she can get. But as soon as I try to climb out of bed, her arm tightens around me, refusing to let me go.

I smile at the protective gesture and lean down to kiss her forehead, deciding I'll just skip my morning run. An extra hour with Olivia is worth it. I love watching her sleep. She looks so beautiful, so peaceful, unlike during the day, when her brow seems perpetually furrowed. Her job really takes a toll on her, poor baby.

I snuggle back into her and press a kiss to the side of her neck. She shifts slightly and smiles in her sleep. I smile back at her even though I know her eyes are closed and she can't see me, and I brush her hair back from her forehead before giving her another kiss. God, I love waking up with her. It's been nearly three years now, three wonderful, amazing years of our togetherness. I have never felt so happy in my entire life. Olivia completes me. I don't even remember what I used to do without her.

About twenty minutes later, Olivia stirs, lazily opening one eye and smiling when she sees me. "'Morning, baby," she says groggily. "What'cha doin'?"

"Watching you sleep," I say, pressing a kiss to her lips.

She deepens the kiss, and after a few moments, we break apart, and she rubs her eyes in the most adorable manner. "How come you're still here?"

I pretend to be offended. "You don't enjoy my company? Thanks, Liv."

She holds me closer. "Mm, I do. You're just usually out on your run by now."

I chuckle. "You didn't seem to want to give me up this morning, babe. I tried to get out of bed, but I guess you were feeling a bit possessive. You wouldn't let go of me!"

Olivia blushes. "Sorry."

I laugh. "It's okay. I'm happy to sacrifice my personal fitness regimen for you as long as you don't complain about my rapid weight gain after a few missed workouts."

"I think you're exaggerating a bit, sweetie. It's _one morning_."

"Routine is nice."

"So is sleeping in on occasion."

"I do sleep in. On the weekends."

Olivia throws a pillow at me. "Liar. Waking up at 5:00 a.m. and going for an hour run and then coming back to bed does not count as sleeping in."

"Excuse me, are you insulting my workout regimen?"

Olivia just shakes her head, grinning.

I pretend to pout. "Fine. No breakfast for you, then." I disentangle myself from her embrace. "I'm going to shower. Want to join me?"

"That depends. Do you think you can keep your hands to yourself?"

I cross my fingers behind my back. "Yes."

Olivia chuckles. "You're cute." She pulls me close again and kisses the crown of my head.

"We've got an hour before we need to leave . . ."

"Only twenty minutes of which we can devote to showering, if we want to eat."

"Nineteen. You're wasting your time arguing with me, Liv." I grab her hand and pull her out of bed. "Come on."

She grumbles as the cool air assaults her naked body, but I mute her protests by claiming her lips with my own as I drag her toward the bathroom. "We only need twenty minutes, anyway," I say once the shower is running.

"Oh, cocky, aren't you?"

"Very," I say with a smirk.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

Although my shower with Alex (and the other activities that occurred while in said shower) brightened my mood this morning, it immediately drops once I get to work. We've got a serial rapist who's hitting a little too close to home. We've been working the case for twelve days, and this week there were two more victims, bringing his total up to eight that we know of. All of the women are blonde, blue eyed, tall, and slim. They all remind me so much of Alex.

As I sit in the interrogation room with victim number eight, Anne Davenport, I have to consciously remind myself not to replace her in my mind with my girlfriend, despite their physical similarities. This is my job, but when I get home, Alex will be there, and everything will be okay again. Maybe I'll take her out for a nice dinner if I get home before seven. She'd like that; with our respective caseloads, we haven't been out in nearly a month. Recently, I've mostly been ordering Chinese around eight and dropping some off at her office. But tonight, I want to spend some quality time with her, just to celebrate how glad I am to have her. I never dreamed I would get this lucky and find this much happiness. Alex truly makes me happier than I've ever been in my whole life. I never thought I could ever find someone like her, and that she could love _me_. But I did, and she does, and I am eternally grateful.

"Anne, can you tell me what happened?" I say gently, handing her a glass of water.

She nods and takes a sip of the water I've brought. "I was at a bar, at the Horseshoe. I was all by myself and he sat down beside me and asked if he could buy me a drink. Honestly, he creeped me out a bit, but I wanted to be polite, so I let him. We chatted for a bit. He left after maybe twenty minutes, and I guess he was waiting outside for me, because when I left the bar – he grabbed me. He held a knife to my throat. He told me not to scream. I – I didn't – I was so scared – he put me into his car and drove me somewhere, I don't know where. It was this secluded alleyway. He raped me."

The Horseshoe. All of the other victims had been at that bar, too. Their stories are all the same.

"I know this is hard for you, Anne, but do you remember what he looked like?"

As she describes the man to me, I diligently take notes, but in my mind I'm thanking God that this isn't Alex sitting in front of me, telling me that a nameless, faceless man violated her in the worst way possible.

* * *

><p>"Captain, we don't have a lot to go on here. He wore a mask; none of the victims can describe him," I say to Captain Cragen.<p>

"We've got to change tactics," Elliot says. "We need to send someone in undercover. He's got a pattern – he strikes Tuesdays and Thursdays, picks up women with a very specific look. I think we can get him."

"It's risky. And his type is so specific that I'm not sure anyone in the PD qualifies."

"Don." A voice behind me makes me turn around. It's Alex, and I wonder why I didn't hear the telltale clicking of her heels approaching. She gives me a quick smile before turning back to the captain. "I could do it."

"Alex, are you out of your mind? There is no way in hell we are sending you out on an undercover op."

"You do it," she says, sounding so petulant that I would smile if what she was asking wasn't so ludicrous.

"I'm a cop."

"I'm an ADA. And you'd be my backup."

"Alex, he's a serial _rapist_."

"Olivia, I want to catch this guy just as much as you do, and if no one in the PD fits his type, then you're going to have to call in someone else. If you can't find a police officer, I volunteer."

"No."

Alex turns to Cragen. "Don?"

Cragen sighs. "We'll see, Alex. I don't want to put you in danger any more than Olivia does, but you're right – you'll have backup. If we can't find someone else, we'll discuss it."

"No," I say. "Alex, you are not baiting a serial rapist."

"Olivia, I can make my own decisions."

"Alex," I say quietly, "I don't want you to get hurt."

"You two, we haven't decided anything yet, so your argument is a bit premature," Cragen says.

Alex sighs. "I wanted to see if you wanted to come out for lunch with me," she says to me. "I have an hour."

"No. I'm mad at you."

"Why?"

"Because of your blatant disregard for your own safety! You know what it would do to me if I lost you?"

"Sure I do, Olivia. It's how I feel about you every single day while you're on the job."

We stare at each other for a moment, neither of us blinking or backing down.

Finally, I give in. I really do love her. "Lunch sounds great," I say, taking her hand. "Captain, I'll be back in an hour."

He gives me a smile as Alex pulls me toward the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Alex's POV**

That night, I manage to get home before 6:30. It's really a miracle. I had enough paperwork, emails and phone calls to return to last me well after nine but I crammed to get finished so I could spend the evening with Olivia. I shudder to think of the typos I probably made in several emails.

Olivia isn't yet home when I arrive, but I have a text message from her telling me to make sure I don't have dinner before she comes home. And it's in capital letters so I'd better obey it without question.

I open the refrigerator to get myself something to drink when a task to occupy my wait time presents itself. I spot a small carton of milk and immediately remove it. I know without even checking the date that it's well past its expiration and a quick check to the bottom of the carton confirms my suspicions. I wrinkle my nose in disgust as the smell penetrates even through the closed carton and immediately dispose of it in the garbage. I do this for another carton half full, a box of takeout chicken that's God knows how old, a tupperware container of Alfredo pasta that actually has mold growing on it, and a can of soda just sitting in there with the top popped off it. I know we're both really busy, but God, this is ridiculous.

Olivia chooses this moment to come strolling into the kitchen, catching me bent over with my head stuck in the fridge. "What are you doing? I said don't eat anything."

Her voice startles me and I jump, hitting my head on the edge of the fridge door. I curse under my breath and close the door, rubbing my hand against the sore spot on my head. "I'm not. I was just throwing some stuff away. You would not believe what's in there. Our fridge is a biohazard, Liv."

Olivia smiles at me and the next thing I know I'm enveloped in her warm arms. She's wearing that sweet floral perfume I love so much and I take a deep breath, enjoying every second of being in her arms.

"Today was tough, baby," she says into my hair, rubbing my back soothingly. "Go on a date with me?"

The last thing I want is to go out. I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening at home cuddled with my Liv on the sofa, watching a sappy love story on TV and relishing the feel of my body against hers. But she wants this – and more importantly she _needs _this – so I slip into her favorite red dress in get ready in record time.

* * *

><p>Less than forty-five minutes later we're seated at a table at our favorite Italian restaurant. The lights are dimmed and the flicker of the candle on our table is providing us with the intimate environment we so desperately want.<p>

After we place our orders, our attention is completely on each other. Olivia is the first to initiate contact. She reaches across the table and places her hand over mine, rubbing it softly. "You look beautiful tonight, Alex."

I smile warmly at her. She looks equally amazing in her subtle black dress that reveals just enough cleavage to tease me. "So do you, Liv. It's been too long since we've done this. You have no idea how much I've missed it."

It's a moment before Olivia speaks again. She keeps her hand over mine as if protecting me from any harm that may come my way. She locks her eyes onto mine and suddenly her expression turns very serious. "Alex . . . this serial rapist case . . . it's awful. Really awful." She swallows. "I was speaking to his most recent victim today, and God, Alex, all I kept thinking was how much she looked like you. I felt nothing but sympathy for her but at the same time I was so, so thankful that it _wasn'_t you."

I know where this conversation is going. Neither one of us has spoken about my offer of assistance to Don earlier this afternoon. We avoided it at lunch, and I thought we were avoiding it now, but here it, hanging in front of us again.

"I know your intentions are good, Alex, but you can't do this." She doesn't have to specify what 'this' is – we both know. "It's too dangerous."

I sigh. "Liv, I understand your feelings. If our roles were reversed I would feel the same." I think for a moment. "I _have _felt the same. Every time you come home with a bruise or a scratch from a scuffle with a suspect, it scares me. It scares me because I know the next time it may be more than a scratch or bruise." The thought sends a chill through my body and I have to concentrate to suppress it. My eyes are filling with liquid emotion but I manage to hold it back. "The next time it might be Elliot or Don at our door telling me –" I take a deep breath. "Telling me you were killed. Every day I think about this. Every day you leave my sight with your gun and your badge I think 'Is this the last time I'm going to see my love'? And it kills me, Liv, but I let you go because I know it's your job. I know it's what you love to do, and I know you're careful. But I'm still scared just the same."

Across the table from me, Olivia hasn't been doing as a good a job holding back her tears. I can see them trailing down her cheeks and the next round is just waiting to fall. She squeezes my hand hard. "I didn't know you felt that way, Alex. You've never told me that." I nod and briefly look away. "And you're right; I _am _careful. More careful than I was before we were together, and it's because I now have someone to go home to. Someone to be safe for. Someone to protect. I'm trained to deal with whatever might come my way." She closes her eyes and I know she's choosing her words carefully. When she opens them again, the tears seem to have subsided. "I know you're tough, baby, but you don't have the same training I do. And I know the guys would be there to back you up – and I would too – but it's still such a risk. Something could go wrong, something unexpected, and you could be –" I don't finish the thought. I _can't _finish it.

I place my free hand over Olivia's so we now have kind of a hand sandwich going on. I squeeze hers the same as she did for me just moments before. "I know, Liv. I know. But is it worth the risk to keep him out there raping a different woman every week? If we have the means and abilities to stop him, shouldn't we?"

I can see Olivia considering this. "Yes, we should; using a trained officer, not _you_. It's not worth the risk of something happening to you. Not for me."

"But what about all those potential victims out there?"

"The only potential victim I care about is you!" She pauses for a moment, then says in a more level voice, "My whole life I've felt like I don't belong. Like there was no one out there meant for me, no other half. I had resigned myself to a life of solitude. And then you came along . . . and I have a life now, Alex. I have someone to love who loves me just the same. I have a reason for getting up every morning and for coming home safely every night. For once in my life, I _belong _to someone and I can't describe to you how it feels."

Actually, she doesn't have to, because I feel exactly the same way.

"You can't take this away from me, Alex. Please." Her expression is hard and serious again and her eyes don't waver from mine. "You know I never ask you for anything; but I'm asking you for this." Another squeeze. "Please, baby – don't do this. Please."

After less than a minute's thought, I find myself blurting out, "I won't, honey. Not if you don't want me to."

* * *

><p>"<em>Hey, this is Olivia Benson. Sorry I can't take your call right now, but please leave a message. Thank you." <em>

At the beep I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I'm nervous, but it has nothing to do with what's about to happen and everything to do about the fact that I'm about to lie to the woman I love. "Liv, it's me. I'm going to be working late tonight, so don't wait up for me. I'm so sorry. I'll see you soon. I love you."

As soon as I disconnect the call and slide my phone back into my pocket, a sick feeling begins to form in the pit of my stomach. I have never lied to Olivia before. We matter too much. But after tonight – after she learns what I've done – there may not _be _an us anymore.

I turn around to face Don and put on a brave façade. I tug down my skin-tight shirt and adjust the black jeans I would never wear under any other circumstance. I have to dress the part, draw attention to myself, and I know it. But if Olivia saw me like this, looking like a cheap hooker, she'd be deeply disappointed in me.

As I approach Cragen I have to squint to see him clearly. I'm not wearing my glasses; none of the rapists' victims had glasses and Cragen doesn't want to stray too far from his pattern. I'm worried it may impair my ability to be able to memorize a face, but I guess that won't matter because he won't get any further than the parking lot with me.

"Alex," Cragen says, smiling at me. "You can still change your mind; you don't have to do this."

I appreciate the out he's giving me, but I'm not taking it. I return his smile. "No. I want to help. There's no else, and it's Thursday. He's more than likely going to strike tonight. Let's stop him, once and for all."

I climb into the back of the van where Fin and Elliot are waiting. Elliot hands me an earpiece and I quickly tuck it into my left ear. "Put your hair over your ear so he doesn't happen to see it. It's active now. We'll hear everything that goes on."

"I'll be outside the bar, just out of sight. Once you're in the parking lot and I have a visual on you, I'll move in." Fin is decked out in full biker gear and if I wasn't so scared I'd laugh at him. He's definitely going to fit in; no one will suspect a thing there.

"We'll be parked a few blocks away monitoring the whole situation. Any sign of trouble inside the bar and we'll get you out of there right away," Cragen says.

I receive the rest of my instructions and way too soon I'm out of the van heading toward the entrance of the Horseshoe. I want to look behind me to make sure Fin is following, but I don't dare. I can't chance that anyone would see and grow suspicious. I have to trust he's out there watching my back.

My nervousness increases tenfold as soon as I enter the bar. This isn't my scene at all and even though I'm dressed appropriately, I still feel so out of place. I sink down into an empty seat at the bar, looking all around me. There is a skanky looking couple on my left and a single girl on my right who looks suspiciously underage.

The bartender asks me what I'd like and I stumble on my words as I tell him I'll just take whatever is on tap. He probably thinks I'm already drunk by the way I can't seem to put a sentence together. I hope my apprehension and tentativeness isn't going to blow this whole operation.

I haven't even taken three sips from my glass when he sits down beside me. I hadn't even realized the girl on my right had vacated her seat until I hear his voice practically right in my ear. "Hey, gorgeous."

His voice is soft, and as I turn to look at him, I can't help but think it matches his face. He's sitting close enough to me that I can see his face clearly. He's handsome, with short, spiky black hair, an earring in his left ear, and dressed in a simple casual white tee and blue jeans. I'm fully aware that this could be anyone and not the person we are looking for at all, but I memorize every detail I can about him anyway.

I return his smile, trying to act as calm and normal as I can. I have to make him think I'm here for the same reason he is; to pick up a date. He doesn't know I have a girlfriend. A girlfriend that I love. _A girlfriend I lied to. _That last thought makes the familiar sick, sinking feeling return.

The bartender asks him what he would like, to which he responds, "Whatever gorgeous here is having."

I smile on the outside, though I'm repulsed on the inside. To hear someone other than Olivia say this to me seems so wrong.

"So what's your name, honey?"

I wish he would stop with the pet names. It's making me feel more dirty and slutty than I already look.

I smile and take another sip of the disgusting beer. "Alex. What's yours?"

"Corey," he answers immediately. He's handed his glass and he takes a long drink before looking at me again. I wonder if Corey is his real name. If this is really just a random guy named Corey trying to pick me up . . . or a dangerous man on the hunt for his next victim. Me.

We make small talk for a while about the area and I begin to think I'm wasting my time. I'm almost one-hundred percent convinced this isn't who we're looking for, until he says something that sticks in my mind. "I haven't seen you around here before. I'm here a lot and I see a lot of good looking girls." His eyes go up and down my body as he says this. "But you put them all to shame."

His words shake me to the core. Something about his eyes as he speaks . . . something about them is so cold and calculating. I'm shaking now and I hope he doesn't notice as I set my glass down. I want nothing more than to get up and walk out the door, find Fin outside and tell him to call it off. I have a horrible, horrible feeling of dread coming over me.

The only way I'm able to push it aside is by telling myself that if this is the guy, it's a good thing he has his sights on me. We'll walk out that door and Fin will get him, and then he'll never be able to harm another woman again.

I try to think of something to say – anything at all – to keep him talking, give me more clues. I know Cragen and Elliot are listening back in the van and I need to get him to say as much as I can. I swallow and ask, "How often are you here?"

"Often enough," he says, much too quickly. He takes another drink and then studies me again. But this time his eyes don't linger. Instead, he looks at his watch. "Damn, the time. I didn't realize." He climbs off his stool and drops some bills onto the countertop. "I'm sorry to bail on you, but I have obligations."

I can't believe he's leaving. What did I do wrong? I can't let him go – if this is our guy he can't walk. I have to follow him, get outside and point him out to Fin. He's about three steps away when I quickly climb down from my stool as well and approach him.

I can't believe what I'm about to do. Swallowing whatever pride I have left, I call his name softly. To my relief he hears me over the loud voices and laughter at the bar. He turns back around to face me. I plaster on a smile and reach out and touch his cheek. _This is disgusting. I can't believe I'm doing this. Please forgive me, Olivia._

I tilt my head to the side and put on my best flirting act. "What do you have to do that's so important? My place isn't far away . . . we could walk if you want."

To my immense surprise, he isn't smiling back. He grabs my hand and removes it from his cheek. He isn't going for me at all. Something about me must have given me away. My behavior, my words, my looks . . . something about me changed his mind.

_Oh, my God – the earpiece, is it showing? _I don't dare reach to check, but I can feel the hair still covering that ear, so I know that's not it.

Then the realization hits me; he isn't our guy. Our guy wouldn't have walked away. He would try to get me to come with him. _He _picks his women. That's his MO. I have the wrong guy.

So when Corey apologizes again and turns to leave once more, I let him go, a feeling of disappointment and failure coming over me.

I remain seated at the bar for well over another hour. A get a few offers for drinks but no one gives me the same vibe that Corey did.

After another hour passes, I decide he's not here; he's not going to hit tonight. Fin is probably tired of being outside and Cragen and Elliot are probably getting cramped up in that van. And I want to go home to Olivia. It's already nearly ten.

So I call it a night. I leave my beer at the bar and settle up my tab. I didn't even drink half the glass. Maybe that's why no one was taking me seriously.

Once I get outside I immediately look for Fin. There aren't many people out here. A few stragglers from inside and two bikers standing by their bikes laughing obnoxiously. Neither of them are Fin.

I look in all directions. I'm surprised he hasn't seen me already. He should be approaching me any minute.

But he doesn't. I stand on the sidewalk for well over five minutes looking for him, but he's nowhere to be seen. So I clear my throat and say, "Guys, I'm outside the bar. I'm ready to go. Fin's not here." I know Elliot and Cragen will hear me and they'll pull up any minute to take me home.

I wait for over ten minutes, telling them again and again that I want to go, but they never show. It's getting cold out and I'm growing more scared by the second, so I head for the parking lot.

_Great, I guess I'm going to have to take a cab. _I sigh and reach into my pocket for my phone. I'm disappointed in myself that I failed, but even more disappointed in the guys for not keeping a better vigil and letting me stand out here alone in the cold.

I have one number dialed when I'm grabbed from behind. I immediately stiffen and open my mouth to scream, but a strong hand clamps down on it. A gruff voice right in my ear says, "Don't you scream. Don't you dare." I can feel breath on my neck, and the voice is strange, as if it's being disguised.

I'm scared beyond all words. I have no idea what to say or do. This wasn't supposed to happen . . . why aren't Elliot, Cragen, or Fin coming to my rescue? Or anyone else? Doesn't anyone see me being held by this man?

"Come with me, quickly and quietly, and I won't hurt you. Don't make a scene." A hand comes out and knocks my phone away from me.

I hesitate, trying to twist out his grip so I can spin around and see his face, but I stop immediately when I feel a hard coldness on my back. A shiver runs down my spine when I realize what it is. It's a gun. He's holding a gun to my back.

All my usual confidence and finesse leaves me in an instant and is overtaken by sheer fear. I find myself complying with him out of pure survival instinct. I don't want to be shot. I don't want to be killed. I know what he's about to do but I don't want him to kill me, so I do exactly as he says.

I know Elliot and Cragen can hear me; they have to know I'm in trouble. They should be here bt now. I look around for them as I'm shoved into the back of an old Chevy. He shuts the door, but I can still see out the window.

And I don't see my friends. I don't see them coming to rescue me. All I see is the glowing neon sign that reads "The Horseshoe", a bar I never should have entered.

He climbs in the driver's seat and spins around to look at me. It's then that I realize he's wearing a black ski mask. All I can see are his eyes through the eye holes. And he's too far away and it's too dark for me to see what color they are. He waves the gun around wildly. "Don't you dare try to escape. I'll shoot you in the back if you do, and then when I get out of the car, I'll shoot you in the head. Got it?"

I nod and he starts the car. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life. I'm shivering but it has nothing to do with the cold. My mind is going at a million miles a minute.

_They didn't protect me. Olivia was right. I never should have agreed to this._ I close my eyes and allow a tear to roll down my cheek as I picture Olivia's beautiful face. _I'm so, so sorry, Liv . . . I screwed up._

I have no idea if I'm going to live beyond tonight. It's ironic; I had told Olivia I worried every day that Elliot or Cragen would come to our door and tell me she had been killed. And now the reverse might happen; one of them may have to tell Olivia that _I've _been killed.

He shuts off the engine once we reach a nearby alley. The only light is coming from a faraway street light, but it gives off enough glow for me to be able to tell where we are.

A few seconds later, he opens the back door and drags me out of the car. I'm kicking and fighting him the whole time, but once he has me on my back on the cold hard ground he places his hand over my mouth again and presses the gun to my temple. My fighting immediately stops and instead I start to cry and try to beg him to stop, but he hits me in the cheek with his fist and tells me not to make another sound.

And I don't. I want to live. I don't want to die here in this dank, dark alley that smells like urine. I want to go home with Olivia and live the rest of my life safe and loved, as far away from this hell as I can get.

He's straddling me and he has my pants off now. Leaning up so he can undo his own, he lets out a satisfied groan as he kicks them off and then removes my panties. He touches me, and I start to cry a new set of tears.

"Wow, now you are _hot_," he says as he slides off his boxers. His voice makes me want to vomit.

"Please, stop, please, don't . . ." I beg again, but he ignores my quiet pleas and shushes me. I should scream. I know I should. He's probably going to kill me anyway. But I'm paralyzed with fear, so I don't.

He takes off my tiny shirt as well and starts to kiss my breasts. My cheeks are wet and hot from all my tears, but he doesn't tell me to stop crying. Maybe he likes it. Maybe it reminds him of the power he has over me.

When he grows tired of my breasts, he moves on. I know what's coming next, so I close my eyes. As soon as I feel him slide inside me, I squeeze my eyes shut and think of Olivia. I keep them closed and picture her smile, hear her voice, feel her arms around me. I hold onto the thought of her, and that's the only thing that gets me through this.

After what seems like hours he finally slides back out of me. He quickly stands and in an instant is putting his pants back on. He says nothing to me as he climbs back into his car. A few seconds later I hear it start up, and he drives away.

I'm still lying on my back on the ground, shivering from cold and from the trauma of what has just happened. I'm completely naked and exhausted in every sense of the word. My clothes are lying nearby, but I don't seem to have the strength to move to retrieve them.

I have no idea how long I lay there, feeling the sting of his aggressive entry. I want desperately to get up and go find help, but my eyes don't seem to want to stay open and my mind doesn't want to function. I'm too worn out.

The last thing I see before I pass out is Elliot's shocked face just inches from mine.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

The ringing of my cell phone wakes me up slowly. I groan, rolling over to face the nightstand. The alarm clock claims it to be a little after eleven and Alex's side of the bed is still empty. She's not home yet. It's probably her calling me.

I answer without even looking at the caller ID and try to keep the irritation out of my voice. "Alex, it's after eleven, you can't still be at the office. You'd better get home soon. This is ridiculous."

But the voice on the other end isn't Alex. "Liv . . . it's Elliot."

I can't hide the surprise in my voice. "Oh, sorry about that, El." I pull myself into a sitting position. "What's going on? Do you guys need me to come in?"

He pauses, but I can hear a sharp intake of breath. Then he says, "Olivia, it's about Alex."

Panic immediately clouds my vision. "What about her? Where is she? Did something happen? Is she all right?"

"Liv, it's pretty bad. We're at the hospital now."

_Oh, my God. She didn't. She absolutely did _not _do that. She wouldn't. _"What happened?"

"Liv, we're at Mercy General. Just come on up here, okay?"

I don't think twice. I slam my phone shut and jump out of bed, throwing on a pair of jeans and one of my NYPD sweatshirts before running out the door. I fumble for my keys and stick them into the ignition, and drive as fast as I can without breaking any important traffic laws to the hospital.

When I get there, I break into a jog. "Alex Cabot," I yell at the receptionist, shoving my badge in her face. She points me toward a hallway, and I race down it, stopping short when I see an open door and Elliot inside.

He's sitting on a chair beside the bed, clasping Alex's hand. Oh, my God, _Alex_. What happened to her? The Alex I know would never let Alex hold her hand like that.

Her eyes slowly open when she sees me, and I give her a cursory glance. Nothing seems out of place, no broken bones. Her face is paler than I've ever seen it and there are two finger shaped bruises on her neck, but there's no permanent damage. At least not physically. In her eyes, I can read what happened so clearly.

_Elliot_. I'm going to kill him. How could he let Alex do this, without telling me? I would be furious at Alex, but seeing her in that hospital bed, looking so small and vulnerable, makes my anger evaporate. I can't be mad at her, not when she's hurt and needs me the most.

"How could you?" I growl at Elliot, without even a word to Alex. She flinches at my tone, clearly believing my anger is directed at her, but I can't take my eyes off Elliot. I will kill him.

Elliot lets go of Alex's hand and gets to his feet. He puts his hand on my shoulder and shepherds me out of the room without saying anything.

As soon as we're out of Alex's sight, I lay into him. "How could you let her do this, Elliot? Alex is in there because of you! She was _raped _because of you!"

"Olivia –"

I hit him, right in the face. He widens his stance and just takes it, and I hit him again. "How could you let her do that, Elliot? I told her no! And you were supposed to be her backup! You were supposed to be watching her! You didn't protect her."

I hit him over and over again until I feel hands gripping my shoulders, pulling me back. "Benson, that's _enough_." It's the captain, and I don't even have time to wonder when he got here before I'm lashing out at him, too, catching his arm with my right hook.

He holds me away from him, easily overpowering my adrenaline-induced rage. "Olivia, I know you're upset about Alex –"

"Damn right I am!"

He sighs, letting go of me, and I don't hit him again, or Elliot, even though I want to. Instead, I clench my fists and wait for what he has to say.

"It wasn't Elliot's fault, Liv. It was an honest mistake."

"Oh, no. A mistake is when you spell a word wrong on a DD-5. A mistake is putting salt in your coffee instead of sugar. Letting my girlfriend and the best lawyer we've got be _raped _when all of you were supposed to be protecting her? That's more than a fucking _mistake_!"

"We got a call, Liv, saying there'd been another rape. We thought it was our guy. We thought Alex was okay."

I growl at him. "What the fuck _happened_?"

"She hasn't told us. Hasn't said a word since I found her," Elliot says.

"Where? How? How was she?"

Elliot sighs. "In an alley a few blocks from the Horseshoe."

"And?"

"Olivia –" Cragen starts.

"No. Elliot, tell me. I have to know what happened to Alex."

"She was on the ground. Her clothes were a few feet away. She was just _lying _there, not moving. For a moment I thought she was dead, Liv. She just – she just didn't look like _Alex_."

"And the perp?"

"Gone. We couldn't find him. Maybe she'll talk to you, tell you what she remembers. She wouldn't talk to us."

"Goddammit, I told her not to –"

"Olivia, Alex needs you right now," Cragen says. "She needs you to stay calm and not get angry with her. This isn't her fault."

"Dammit, I know it's not her fault – why couldn't she have just listened to me?"

"You know Alex," Elliot says. "She's stubborn, you know that."

"I told her it wasn't safe!"

"Olivia, you know as well as we do that being raped is never the victim's fault, no matter what. The only person to blame is the perpetrator."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, but they pop open again when the image floats in front of me, of Alex lying in a cold, dark alley, all alone and afraid, without me to protect her as I promised I always would. "I know," I whisper, the fight slipping out of me. "I'm going to see how she is. Can you leave us for a few moments?"

Elliot nods. "Of course, Olivia."

I turn away from him and go back into the hospital room. Alex watches me with large, weary blue eyes, scrutinizing my movements.

I sit down on their chair Elliot vacated moments before. "Hey," I say as gently as I can. "How's it going?"

Alex just blinks at me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you or Elliot. I know this isn't your fault. You were just doing what you thought was right." The next words slip from my lips almost of their own volition. "But why didn't you tell me, Alex? Why didn't you just listen to me?"

She looks away, rolling onto her other side.

I sigh and perch on the edge of the bed, gently stroking her arm. It's icy cold, and I can't help but lean over to kiss her forehead. She flinches again, and I wince. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't –"

She buries her face in her pillow, refusing to meet my eyes.

I sigh again and resign myself to just sitting here and keeping her company.

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

Olivia came into my room a few minutes ago, but I can't look at her. I'm ashamed to meet her eyes. The doctor took a rape kit about half an hour ago. I didn't tell her what happened. I couldn't. I can't tell anyone, not even Olivia. When I open my mouth to speak, the words stick in my throat, and it terrifies me. My whole life revolves around words, being able to use them to my advantage at all times, and now I can't even get one past my lips.

I know this is my fault. I should have listened to Olivia and not gone out undercover. I know the chances of this happening were miniscule, but it did, and now my life might not ever be the same. I'm _afraid_. I can't remember ever being this scared before. I fear Olivia will never forgive me for this.

_I love you_, I want to tell her. _I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never would have done this if I thought this might happen. I just thought I was doing the right thing._

I can't admit it to anyone, not the doctor and certainly not Olivia, but I hurt. Between my legs. He thrust into me hard, and it was painful. But I know it's my own damn fault.

Olivia's hand comes out to stroke my hair, and I can't help but flinch. I know Olivia won't hurt me, but it's almost instinctive. I catch the pain flitting across her face and feel immediately guilty, holding out my hand to her; a peace offering. I can read the gratefulness in her eyes as she takes it and gives it a squeeze.

"Liv," I say. "Come lie with me."

But when Olivia makes no move to do so, I realize I've only said the words in my head.

I roll over so I'm facing Olivia again and try to muster a smile, but it comes out more as a grimace. Her hand is extended, almost as if she's going to smooth my brow as she often does when we're at home, but then she stops, her hand hovering over my face, as if she's unsure whether or not the touch will be welcomed.

This almost makes me cry again. This is what our lives are going to be, forever changed, because of my own stupid mistake. She's always going to have to hesitate before she touches me, because she's afraid of startling me, of hurting me. I never wanted that.

"Forgive me," I whisper, but I don't think she hears.


	3. Chapter 3

**Alex's POV**

The nurse finally returns, coaxing me to sit up as she hands me a pill and small paper cup of water. It's the morning after pill. I pop the pill and wash it down quickly, my hand shaking so badly I nearly spill the water all over myself. She smiles kindly at me and begins to inform me of possible side effects I might experience from the powerful medicine I've just taken. She tells me it will be most effective since the rape occurred less than twenty-four hours ago.

Rape. In a description of me. Alex Cabot, Assistant District Attorney, can now add rape victim to her resume.

I look at Olivia sitting in the chair by my bed. She looks so sad, so absolutely devastated. She was at home, probably in bed, when I entered that bar and made the biggest mistake of my life. And as far as she knew, I was at the office putting in a late night. That was the message I had left on her voicemail. I had lied to her. How could I do that? Olivia trusts me. Or at least, she used to. Never before have I even told her a little fib, let alone a flat-out lie. Tonight I not only violated the sacred trust between us, but I was deceitful to the person I love the most. I'll never forgive myself for it.

The nurse looks down at a sheet of paper in her hand. I can't remember her name; I know she told me but everything was such a blur when I got here that I can't recall half of what I was told or what was done to me.

"Well, honey, it looks like you're clear to be released." Her eyes fall on Olivia. "Are you Olivia Benson?" Olivia nods. "We collected the rape kit right away and physically she's okay; there is some minor bruising on her neck, chest, and hips that should fade within the next few days, but other than that there are no physical injuries."

She's speaking to Olivia like I'm not even here. Like I can't see or hear them. Like I'm somewhere else. I wish I was somewhere else; I wish I would wake up in bed with Olivia and find this was all a horrible dream. I could tell Olivia about it and we could laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing, thankful it will never happen in real life.

Too bad this _is _real life, and this _is _what's really happening right now.

"Okay, sweetheart, let's get you changed back into your clothes." Olivia keeps her voice low and loving, speaking carefully as if I'm a fragile child. She's standing next to my bed and smiling at me, but I can still see tears and worry in her dark eyes.

It's funny; the nurse has left my room. I never saw her walk out or heard her say goodbye. But I'm sure she did. I guess I was really somewhere else.

I look down at the drab hospital gown I'm now wearing. I don't remember changing into it. I wonder if I did so myself or if I was dressed by someone else.

Olivia sits next to me on the bed and touches my cheek gently. "It's okay, baby; we're going home."

Why is she being so nice to me after I lied to her just hours before? Shouldn't she be seething in anger that I not only lied but got myself hurt in the process?

I flinch under her touch and turn my head away from her. I'm so ashamed of myself and I can't stand to see the hurt and disappointment on her beautiful face anymore.

Olivia pats my arm and goes over to the nearby cabinet and picks up the white plastic bag. She turns back to me and opens the drawstring on it. "You want me to leave while you get dressed, or do you need help?"

I suddenly realize what's in the bag and feel my stomach churn at the thought of Olivia seeing it. I open my mouth to try to speak, but no words come out, and I vigorously shake my head, trying to communicate in the only way I can.

Olivia looks confused and to my complete horror looks in the bag. I see her expression change to one of surprise and my heart sinks as I realize she's seen the slutty clothes I was wearing tonight. She probably thinks I deserved this, wearing clothes like that. She's probably disgusted and wants nothing more to do with me. And I couldn't blame her one bit.

But instead of turning her back on me, Olivia simply sets the bag down and in an instant has removed her NYPD sweatshirt, revealing a thin white tee underneath. She's going to freeze in that, especially considering she didn't have a jacket on when she entered my room.

Olivia hands me the sweatshirt, a comforting smile on her face again. "I'll go home and get you some clothes. Put this on for now and I'll be right back, okay? Elliot will stay here with you while I'm gone. And then we'll go home."

I accept her offering and tug the sweatshirt on over top of my gown. I can remove it later. Right now I want the soft comfort of Olivia's sweatshirt. It's warm and it stops my shaking. But most of all, it smells like Olivia.

I've worn this particular sweatshirt before. Olivia often comes home and finds me wearing it while taking a nap or hunched over my laptop. Sometimes I even wore it to bed, on those extra cold nights. Olivia asked me once why I like it so much. It's an ugly gray color and too big for me. Normally I wouldn't wear such an item. My clothes are usually tailored and pressed. But I love this shirt. It soothes me whenever I wear it, not only because it's warm, but because it's Olivia's. I feel safe when I wear it and when she's not with me, it feels like she is.

I find comfort in it even now and Olivia knew I would. She is still standing next to me and smiling weakly, waiting for me to answer her using words instead of just nodding at her.

But I can't; not right now. Everything is too fresh and too painful. So I just nod at her. She hesitates for a moment before leaning down and kissing me on the top of the head. She tells me she loves me and will be right back to take me home. I can see more tears in her eyes as she turns toward the door and starts to walk out.

I don't want her to leave. I open my mouth and force a word past my lips. "Liv?" I don't recognize my own voice. It sounds small and weak, something I've never been.

She immediately turns around, more worry etched into her face. "Yeah, baby?"

"He didn't wear a condom."

Olivia closes her eyes and shakes her head. I can tell she's holding back for my sake. She takes a deep breath and then all she says is, "Okay," before disappearing out the door.

**Olivia's POV**

Once we're back in the safety of our apartment, I want to lock the door and never let Alex leave again. The world out there is too dangerous. I've always known that, but tonight I came close to losing the most precious thing in my life and I will never let that happen again. I will never fail to protect Alex again.

I want to grab her and hug her and shield her from everything that might harm her, to tell her I never want to have such a scare again. I want to tell her I'm sorry I wasn't there and I'm sorry I allowed this to happen. I want to take away the pain and guilt I know she's feeling.

But at the same time I want to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her, scream at her for doing such a stupid, dangerous thing. Tell her how angry and hurt I am that she went against my wishes when she specifically promised she wouldn't, and lied to me about being at the office when in reality she was getting prepped for her undercover debut.

Both anger and guilt are fighting an equal battle within me right now, and I give in to guilt.

I follow Alex to our bedroom. She hasn't said a word since we left the hospital. I tried to hold her hand on the car ride home, but she shied away from me and wouldn't let me touch her.

When Alex finally speaks, her voice is stronger than at the hospital, but she still can't meet my eyes. "I - I'm going to take a shower. I need to get him off me."

I'm well aware that it's after one a.m. and we both should be in bed right now, but there is no way I'm going to deny Alex this right. And maybe I can make her feel better by joining her like I always do.

I nod. "Okay. Give me a minute and I'll join you." I turn away from her to get my robe from the closet when I hear her say something I don't quite comprehend. I turn around. "What was that, baby?"

"I said I don't want you to join me. I can do it myself." She sits on the bed and slips off her shoes. "Just go to bed. I'll join you when I'm done."

I don't hear the water shut off until after two a.m. And Alex never comes to bed.

I spend the next few hours tossing and turning in bed, exerting all the willpower I possess to suppress the urge to go to Alex and keep her company. If she wanted me with her right now, she would have asked me to sit with her.

I can hear her moving around in the kitchen, probably organizing our pots and pans or something similar. When Alex is nervous, that's what she does. And it hurts that I've been banished to our bedroom and forbidden from doing whatever I can to make things better for her.

By the time the clock's hands have crept to 6:00, I'm done. I can't just lie here anymore and do nothing.

I get out of bed and start toward the kitchen. As I get closer, I hear Alex's soft whimpers, and my heart goes out to her. I just want to take her into my arms and hold her for a million years, and make sure she never has to cry again for her whole life. I love her so much, and every one of her cries pierces my heart like a knife.

I stand in the doorway of the kitchen for a moment, watching Alex sort pots and pans by size and put them back into the cupboard. She isn't crying, not quite, but she's sniffling, and I feel my heart clench. I want to hug her, but I refrain. "Alex," I say quietly, trying not to startle her.

She jumps and whirls around to look at me. Her face is practically devoid of colour, but she seems to relax slightly when she sees me. She looks away from me and adjusts her glasses, which have slipped down her nose, and crosses her arms over her chest. "What time is it?" she asks, her voice scratchy and weak.

"Six."

"Oh. You have work." She gets up and walks toward the stove, still not making eye contact with me. "I'll make breakfast."

"I'm taking the day off."

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

"Olivia." Finally, she looks at me, and the pain in her eyes makes my stomach drop. "I just want things to go back to how they were. Please."

"Alex." I match her soft tone. "They're not going to. They can't."

She flinches and pulls out a frying pan. She takes a stick of butter out of the fridge and starts to grease the pan, ignoring me.

"Alex." I reach out to put a hand on her arm, just so she'll look at me, but I feel immediately guilty when she recoils as if I've hit her. "Look at me, please."

She doesn't. Instead, she picks up an egg and expertly cracks it into the frying pan. "Would you like an omelette?" she asks, as if I haven't spoken.

"Alex, I want to talk to you."

"So talk."

"Can we go sit down in the living room?"

"Olivia, I have an omelette on the stove. Well, a potential omelette."

It amazes me how she's transformed from the vulnerable woman I glimpsed last night into my Alex again. This is Alex; brash, strong, uncompromising. This is the Alex I know.

It doesn't last long, though. Alex drops her head and says quietly, "I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't have to. Not right now, anyway."

"But I'll have to give my statement."

"Tomorrow. You can give it to me or Elliot or whoever you want, baby."

She shrugs, trying to pretend she doesn't care, but I see her fear in those beautiful baby blues, and it breaks my heart. Maybe that's why she won't look at me. Her eyes are truly windows into her soul, and she knows I can read them so well.

"Alex," I say gently, "can I give you a hug?"

She stiffens. "Olivia, I told you when we moved in together, you never have to ask. I'm yours. Just like you're mine. My body is yours. I'm yours." But her words are hollow, and I can tell they no longer mean anything to either one of us.

"Alex, no. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"You don't." She turns to face me, and I'm surprised to find unshed tears glistening in her eyes. "You never have."

I hold my hand out to her, and she eyes it for a moment before tentatively taking it. I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it, and I'm gratified when she doesn't flinch this time. "I love you," I tell her, because I know she needs to hear it right now.

And it's then that the dam breaks. All the tears she's been trying to hold in since yesterday burst from her eyes, trailing down her cheeks in rivers of sadness and fear. Her cries shake her body and leave her gasping for air, and soon she's on the ground, keeling over with the force of her sobs. I kneel beside her and wrap my arms around her. Even if she's afraid, she needs me now, and I need her, too. I need her in my arms just as much as she needs to be in them.

Surprisingly, she lets me hold her without struggling against me, and her sobs slowly ease as I rub comforting circles into her back. I press a kiss to the base of her neck, and we stay like that for several minutes, until I hear the pan sizzling and realize the almost-omelette is burning. I let go of Alex, which starts up the waterworks again, and take the pan off the stove. I throw out the charred omelette and quickly rinse out the pan so it won't get crusty. Then I crouch beside Alex and hold my hands out to her. "Come on, baby. Let's go sit down on the couch."

Mutely, she takes my hands and lets me lead her to the couch as if she's no more than a rag doll. I pull her onto my lap, and she lets me hold her again, curling up against me and burying her face in my shoulder. She's half hysterical and limp in my arms. I've never seen her like this before, and it scares me a bit, but I reason that right now, she needs a good cry, and I will do whatever I can to soothe her and help her through this. I love her, and I'll be here for her for as long as she'll let me.

I gently stroke her hair, whispering assurances into her ear, promising that I love her and that I don't blame her for anything and that I will always be here for her. I rock her in my arms until her body, clearly exhausted from the trauma she endured just hours before and her crying fit, stills in my embrace and her sobs turn to quiet sniffles. Pretty soon, her breathing has evened out and she's fallen asleep. My poor baby.

I don't want to risk moving and waking her, and I don't want to leave her anyway, so I manoeuvre us so we're lying down instead of sitting up. I don't want Alex to have a backache when she wakes up.

I keep rubbing her back, almost reflexively, even though I know she's asleep. It's for my own benefit just as much as hers. I almost lost her last night, and the feeling of my Alex in my arms, of her soft skin under my hands, of her silky blonde hair, is simply bliss. I can't believe I almost lost this. I will never let her endanger herself like this ever again. I'd kill her myself first.

As I feel Alex start to tremble again in my arms and hear a few soft whimpers slip past her lips, I instinctively hold her tighter and press a kiss to the crown of her head. "Shh, baby," I whisper. "It's okay. It's just a dream."

Alex's eyes pop open, wild and unfocussed. She lashes out at me, catching the side of my neck with her fist, and I'm so startled that I let go of her. Damn, she can pack a punch.

Alex rolls onto the floor, covering her head with her hands to protect it as she starts to cry again, rocking herself back and forth. "No, no, no –"

I push aside my own pain and kneel down beside Alex, not touching her, but trying to reassure her anyway. "Alex, it's okay. It's okay, Alex, it's okay. I'm here, sweetie. You're safe." When she doesn't respond, I reach my hand out and gently touch her upper arm. "Lexi, I love you so much."

The nickname has its desired effect and startles her into meeting my eyes. When she looks at me, she wipes her eyes and tries to steady her voice. "I'm sorry," she says quietly.

My heart clenches. "Are you all right?"

She shakes her head. "I hurt you, Liv. Oh, God, I hurt you –"

"Alex, you were having a nightmare. I shouldn't have held you like that. I should have known it would scare you. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, Liv. I'm so sorry –"

"Sweetheart, it's okay. Really, it's fine. You didn't hurt me, not at all. And I know you didn't mean to." I try to reach out to her, but she pulls away from me, getting to her feet and attempting to compose herself.

"I'm going to shower."

I watch her leave the room, helpless to stop her as she goes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Olivia's POV**

Alex is completely aloof the rest of the day. No matter how much I coax and prod, she won't open up to me. Again she won't let me shower with her, and again she shies away from my affections toward her. I understand her behavior, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

She's pretending her breakdown this morning never happened and I think that bothers me more than the breakdown itself. I think it's mostly because she's embarrassed. Alex Cabot is the strongest, most composed person I have ever met. She doesn't show her emotions well or often. It took almost a year for her to trust me enough to show them in front of even _me. _Oftentimes she comes home upset from a tough case and lets me massage her shoulders while she unloads on me about it. And sometimes on the rare occasions she isn't able to obtain justice for the victim, she lets herself cry. But only in front of me. I always tell Alex that I love her soft side, that it's okay to cry and be emotional.

Right now we're watching the evening news. Normally if we're both home from work, we'd be cuddled up together on the sofa, paying more attention to each other than what's actually on the TV. But not today. Today Alex is curled against the armrest of the sofa and I'm sitting in the recliner across the room. I'd love nothing more than to trade places with that armrest right now, but I know deep down inside that the best thing I can do for Alex right now is not crowd her.

She's wearing my NYPD sweatshirt again. She always looks so cute in it. It's much too baggy on her and definitely not the color she normally adorns herself in, but she loves to wear it. She told me once it makes her feel safe. Maybe that's why she chose it now.

This is the first time in a long time that Alex and I actually _watch _the news. Neither of us speaks. Though I saw every second of the broadcast, I still can't tell you one single thing that was on it. My eyes were glued to the TV but my mind was completely on Alex.

As the clock hits six and Alex and I are still ensconced in our silent struggle, I grab the remote and switch off the television. Alex shifts her position and briefly looks at me, but doesn't object or say anything at all.

"I think we should make dinner. I'm starving; I'm sure you are, too." Alex hasn't eaten all day. Come to think of it, neither have I, and I _am _hungry. "I'll make us something. What would you like?"

Alex shrugs. "I'm really not hungry, Liv."

I try a different approach. "Well, how about a pizza? I could have one delivered. We haven't had pizza in awhile. It sounds good to me."

It's a moment before Alex replies and when she does it's not what I want to hear. "I'm not hungry. I feel sick."

I sigh and go sit on the sofa next to her. I want to touch her so badly but I manage to hold back. "You're not feeling well? Want me to get you something for your stomach?" I'm aware that I'm talking to her like she's a child and she's going to hate it, but I can't help myself.

But Alex doesn't scold me for talking down to her as she normally would. Instead she shakes her head and says, "I'm fine. I just don't feel much like eating."

I know it's important for Alex to keep her strength up but I don't push her any further. Not right now. One day isn't going to hurt her. It if goes beyond tomorrow I know I'll have to have a talk with her about it. But right now I decide to let it go.

"You want to go for a walk?" I ask. "It's supposed to be a nice evening. Not too cold. We could go on our usual route or maybe just go sit in the park and people watch. We could even go see a movie if you want – when is the last time we did that?" I'm willing to agree to _anything _right now. Anything to get Alex up off this sofa and get her mind off what happened and how she feels right now. If she said she wanted to go streaking through downtown Manhattan, I'd agree whole-heartedly. Whatever she wants to do. If she wants to go to the moon, I'll go find a space shuttle and take her there myself. _Anything_.

Alex suddenly sits up. She removes her glasses and rubs her eyes while sighing. She slips them back on and finally looks at me. "I really just want to go to bed. I didn't sleep last night."

I smile at her. Bed sounds great to me too, even at six p.m. Maybe she'll let me comfort her there.

"That sounds good," I say. "I really didn't sleep either." I stand and turn to her, offering her my hands so I can help her stand.

But she just looks at me, an expression of guilt apparent on her beautiful face. She looks so desolate that it breaks my heart. "I think . . . I think I'm going to sleep here on the sofa tonight. In case I can't sleep, I'll have the TV."

My heart breaks even more. "Alex, we have a TV in our room. You're welcome to watch it all night if you want. It won't bother me." I know this has nothing to do with a TV and everything to do with her being uncomfortable around me. "I'll sleep out here with you."

Alex quickly shakes her head, her eyes growing wide, as if she's actually afraid of me. "No." Her voice is serious and leaves no room for argument. "I really want to be alone, Liv. Please –" she closes her eyes and swallows. "Please understand and respect that."

I tell her I do understand, even though I don't. I don't understand why she thinks she has to be so strong. I don't understand why she won't let me comfort her. And, most importantly, I don't understand why any of this happened to her . . . to _us._

I tell her goodnight and that I love her, and she responds with a curt nod. Then I retreat to our room. Now it's my turn to be wracked with tears.

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

It's after four a.m. Olivia must be asleep by now. I haven't heard any movement from our bedroom in over two hours, not since Olivia came out and went to the bathroom. I was just waiting for her to come check on me . . . but she didn't. I guess I hurt her more than I thought I did.

I can't keep doing this to Olivia. Every word I say, every touch I reject just breaks her heart. I can see it on her face and in her eyes. And it's unfair. I'm the one who chose to do something stupid. Why should Olivia pay for it too?

I can't let her. I _won't _let her.

How can she even still want to be with me? I _lied _to her. Worse than that, I broke a promise I made to her. After all that, how can she still love me? She deserves so much better.

She left our bedroom door open and I slowly and quietly step inside. I pause just inside the room, listening for any sign that she's awake. As my eyes adjust to the darkness I can faintly make out her silhouette on the bed. I can hear her low, steady breathing and I know she's asleep.

I move to our closet and open the door slowly. It makes a long, noisy creak. I cringe and freeze; Olivia had to have heard that. I wait for her voice with my hand still on the knob, but I don't hear it. Olivia is usually such a light sleeper. That sound should have made her jump out of bed and fumble for her gun. But she remains still, her soft breathing unwavering.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and feel around for the items I desire. I wish I could turn the closet light on but I know for sure that would wake Olivia.

It takes a lot of nearly blind searching, but I finally manage to find two pairs of jeans and two shirts. I move to the dresser and fumble around in the top drawer until I grab a handful of panties and socks. I exit the room quickly, not wanting to linger longer than I have to in case Olivia wakes up on her own and catches me.

I retrieve my toothbrush and comb from our bathroom – along with a few other items – and find our camping backpack in the hallway closet.

It takes me only a moment to pack. I sling the backpack over my shoulder and look around the apartment. A flush of sadness comes over me; I never thought I'd feel like I didn't belong here.

It takes me longer than I anticipated to leave our apartment. I had planned on just walking out without looking back. That would be deliberate, quick and easy.

But also impossible. I know I can't walk out of here without seeing Olivia again.

I go back into our room and the sound of Olivia's even breathing greets me. She's still asleep. Part of me wants her to wake up and stop me. Maybe if I stand here long enough that will happen. If she wakes up now, she won't let me go.

_Wake up, Liv . . . please wake up. Now! _

But it's unfair. This is what's best, for me and for Olivia.

I quietly go to our dresser and remove a framed photograph. It's my favorite picture of the two of us together. During happier times. I close my hand around the cold metal frame and nearly burst into tears, but I control myself. I have to.

I slip the photo in the backpack and slowly approach our bed. I wish I could reach out and touch Olivia one last time. Kiss her, tell her I love her. Let her know I'm doing this for her.

I look down at her, not really _seeing _her through the darkness. It takes everything I have not to reach out and take her hand. A tear slides down my cheek as I whisper, "I love you, Liv. Always."

Then I leave our room. I walk through our apartment and out the door without looking back.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

When I wake up in the morning, the apartment is eerily silent. I expected to hear the quiet hum of the television, at the very least, but there's nothing, and I'm immediately on guard.

I start toward the family room, calling out, "Alex?" so I won't startle her.

There's no response.

The silence in the apartment is deafening, and when I get to the living room and find it empty, I force myself not to panic. "Alex?" I call again, and move to the kitchen. Still no Alex.

Our apartment is big, but not big enough for my girlfriend to literally get _lost _in it. I know she hears me and she's just ignoring me, for whatever reason, and I feel annoyance trickle up my spine.

"Alex, where are you?"

She still doesn't answer, and I groan, continuing to the bathroom, then to the spare bedroom, then to the dining room.

Still no Alex.

Now I'm starting to worry. "_Alex?_"

I go into her office, but she isn't there. She's not in the other bathroom either. I even check the front closet, but of course she's not there.

"_Alex_. Fuck. What did you _do_?"

I force myself to calm down. I'm a detective, dammit. She had to leave some clues as to where she went. I'm a detective. Obviously I'll find something, and then I'll find Alex. If she's gone far, I'll kill her. How could she have left like this? Doesn't she realize how much she needs me right now?

Doesn't she realize how much I need _her _right now?

She hasn't left me a note, which ignites anger in me once again. How could she have just _left_? Didn't she know I'd be worrying about her?

Then it occurs to me. What if she didn't leave? What if someone took her, hurt her?

_No_. I'm not going to go there. I'm going to stay calm. I have to.

I pick up my cell phone and dial her number. When the call goes straight to voicemail, I grit my teeth and try to keep my voice composed and upbeat. "Hey, baby. It's Liv. You don't have to tell me where you are, or come home right now, but I'm really worried about you, so just call me back to tell me you're all right, okay? I love you forever, Lexi. _Always_."

My hand is shaking slightly as I hang up the phone. _Dammit, Alex, how could you do this?_

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

I check into a hotel I never would have stayed at before tonight, the Hotel Pennsylvania, near Penn Station. I realized when I raised my hand to hail a cab that first of all, I didn't know where I was going, and secondly, I didn't bring a lot of practical things. Like cash. I'm going to need a lot of it, and I only brought a few hundred dollars with me. Olivia will be able to trace my whereabouts if I use a credit card. It's not that I'm running away from her, not really. I just need to be by myself for awhile. A few days, a week at the most, until all of this calms down. Until I'm better. I know that I'm hurting Olivia, and maybe a few days on my own will help me get myself together, so we can go back to the way things used to be.

I'm on leave from work, indefinitely. Nora wants me to undergo a psych eval, and she said I can't come back to work until I do. So it's pretty safe to say that I won't be returning anytime soon. I can't talk about this with anyone, especially not a stranger. Especially not a stranger whose job it is to listen to disturbed victims talk.

I hate that word, _victim_. I'm not a victim. I'm me. I'm Alex Cabot. I'm Olivia's girlfriend. I'm the daughter of Andrea and Alexander Cabot, the younger sister of Andrew Cabot, the granddaughter of Elizabeth and James Cabot and Anastasia and David Harriman. I'm an Assistant District Attorney for New York County. I'm a Harvard Law School graduate, the best friend of Abbie Carmichael, the niece of Judge William Harriman. I'm anything _but _a victim.

Except that I am. He made me a victim, whoever _he _is. I don't even know his name.

I made _myself _a victim, by going out that night, by wearing those slutty clothes, by volunteering for a job I _knew _was dangerous.

I lay down on the hotel bed. It's old and the mattress is hard, but it'll do for now. Beggars can't be choosers, and for the first time in my life, I'm a beggar.

I remember how things used to be, just a few days ago, between Olivia and me. I remember how she'd always greet me when I got home with a hug and a kiss, how she'd hold me in her arms as if I was a delicate, precious china doll, how she'd always make sure to stand on the side of the curb when we walked outside. I remember the feel of her strong, warm hand in mine, grounding me. I remember the sparkle in her deep brown eyes, the way her smile lights up the face, the way her eyes darken with arousal when we make love. When we _made _love. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let her touch me like that again, and the thought terrifies me. I love making love with Olivia. I love how she touches me, so tenderly sometimes and so possessively other times. I love how she whispers in my ear how beautiful I am and how much she loves me as her hands play my body like a violin. I love how she knows exactly how and where to touch me without me even saying a word. I love how she always makes me feel safe and treasured and so very special.

I love _her_. And yet, she's at home, and I'm here, in a small, grungy hotel room, so far away from my love.

She must be worried about me, and I feel a pang of guilt at the thought. I never wanted her to worry about me, not that night and not now. _That _night. The first night of the rest of my new life. My shattered life.

I miss Olivia so much, although it's been mere hours since I've seen her. I haven't spent even a single night without her in years. Even when she's working late, I usually go in after the other detectives have gone home, to keep her company. Sometimes I'll nap in the crib, and sometimes she'll join me. I just can't sleep when she's not with me, and even though sometimes I'm ashamed of my own new inability to soothe myself, Olivia tells me that it's all right, that she loves spending time with me, and that she, too, finds it difficult to sleep when I'm not with her.

I remember snuggling in bed with her, cuddling on the couch, curling up in her arms as we lie in front of the fireplace in the living room. I remember the tender smile she always gives me, how she'll gently tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. Such an intimate act. I never realized how intimate it is to let someone touch your hair, or your back, or really any part of your body without warning you first. I told her the day we moved in together that I was hers, that my body was hers, and that now we belonged to each other instead of just ourselves, and she's taken full advantage of that ever since. Not sexually – usually, she still asks me if her hands are going to stray any lower than my stomach. I guess it comes with the territory when you're dating a sex crimes cop. But she's constantly touching me, taking my hand, rubbing my back, stroking my hair, giving me kisses. I love how affectionate she is, and I always try to return the favour, even though being so physically open doesn't come naturally to me. Olivia has taught me that expressing my emotions and allowing myself to be vulnerable sometimes doesn't make me weak. She says it makes me even stronger, and it makes her proud of me, because she knows it's hard for me to do.

But this time, it's different. This time, I hurt her. This time, it's my fault.

_No, it isn't your fault, baby. No one asks for this. _

I sit up straight in bed. Olivia's voice is so clear, but it's just in my head, and my heart aches for her, and for what I've done to her.

I should call her, just so she won't worry. I pull out my cell phone and see that I have several missed calls, all from Olivia. I listen to the voicemail she's left me, and it brings tears to my eyes. I know Olivia loves me. I just can't stand to be around her right now, and I hate myself for it. I keep hurting her without even meaning to.

I've changed so much, so quickly. I'm no longer the tough, stubborn, playful, brave, articulate, happy, independent Alex she fell in love with anymore. I'm this broken shell of who I used to be. I'm trying so hard to be strong and make things normal again, but I just can't. Which is why I can't go home. I can't go home until I'm ready and able to _be_ normal again, until I'm ready and able to stop hurting Olivia. I love her too much to keep doing this to her. I won't force her to change her entire life for me. I won't bring her down. I'll stay here until I'm better, and then I'll go home, and everything will go back to the way it used to be. I will be Alex Cabot again, ADA extraordinaire. Olivia will catch the bad guys and I'll put them away. She'll be able to hug me without me flinching, and touch me, and even make love to me.

_Forgive me, Olivia. I'm trying so hard._

A part of me is terrified that I'll never get better, and I'll never be able to go home. The thought nearly brings me to tears, but I won't cry. Not now. I'm here to learn how to be strong again, not to let myself be weak. Alex Cabot is _not _weak.

My hands are trembling as I dial Olivia's phone number. Part of me doesn't want her to pick up the phone, because it'll be easier that way, but another part of me longs to hear her voice.

She picks up on the second ring. "Benson."

My mouth goes dry and suddenly I can't push a word past my lips. I work my jaw, but no sound comes out.

"Lexi, is that you?"

My heart clenches at the nickname. "Yes, it's me," I finally say.

She's silent for a moment, clearly searching for the right words. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I hesitate. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, baby, I'm just so glad you're all right. I was worried."

I duck my head in shame. "I can't come home right now, Liv. I'm sorry. I hope you understand."

I hear her sigh in resignation. "I do, Alex. You don't have to come back until you're ready. It's just – I wish you'd let me be there for you. I love you so much, baby. I – I need you, too."

I feel moisture welling up in my eyes. "I can't be what you need right now, Olivia."

"Sweetie, all I need is for you to be with me, and let me in, and let me help you, and let me hold you. I just want you in my arms, that's all. I miss you so much. To see your face, to hear your voice – that's all I need. All I'll ever need."

I force myself to keep my voice steady. "I can't, Olivia. Not now. When I come back, everything will be normal again, just like it used to be. But I can't do that now. When I can, I'll be home, and everything will be perfect, just like it was."

"Alex, you need me right now. You need me to be there for you."

"No, I don't. I don't need you. I don't need anyone."

I can hear the hurt in her tone as she says, "Okay. I said I wouldn't push you, and I won't. I'm sorry. You come home when you're ready, baby. I'm always here for you. You know that, right?"

"Right," I say, but I think we both know that I don't mean it. It's too late for that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Olivia's POV**

I can't focus on anything today. I've been staring at the same word on the same page of my last stack of paperwork for the past hour and I still couldn't tell you what word I'm staring at.

My thoughts have been filled with Alex. She's been gone for two days and I've only received one call from her. I'm grateful she had the sense to let me know she's safe and okay. It lessens my worry knowing she isn't at the hands of that rapist again but it doesn't make her absence any easier to deal with.

Alex thinks being on her own is going to help her deal with this; if only she knew how wrong she is. She needs me to be there for her, she needs me to show her she's still beautiful, and she needs me to love her. That's what she deserves. She doesn't deserve to be sleeping in some grungy hotel room, alone.

"Liv?"

I look up when my name is called and into the worried eyes of Elliot. I quickly pull myself from my troubled thoughts and meet his gaze. "El, hi. I'm sorry, did you need something?"

"I called your name three times – you were in your own world there."

I rub my sleep-deprived eyes and shake my head. "I'm sorry. I guess I was."

Elliot sits down across from me at his desk and eyes me very carefully. "Is it Alex?" he asks. When I nod, he continues. "I'm surprised you're treating me so civilly after our encounter at the hospital."

I feel a pang of guilt about that, but not much. I shrug my shoulders and feign an interest in my paperwork. I can feel Elliot's eyes on me.

"How's Alex?"

My head snaps up and in an instant I'm shooting him one of my famous death glares. I wasn't angry at him thirty seconds ago, but I'm angry now. "You don't get to ask me that, Elliot."

I still harbour a lot of blame against Elliot for what happened to Alex. If he had been more careful . . . if they all had been . . . well, our lives wouldn't be upside down right now.

"I do get to ask that, Liv, because she's my friend."

I scoff and toss my pen onto my desk angrily. "Your _friend_, Elliot? What about being my _girlfriend_? My lover, my soul mate . . . my everything?"

He opens his mouth to speak and probably to defend himself, but thinks the better of it and closes it again. He resigns himself to sitting back in his chair and watching me, an expression of compassion written across his face.

I let out a frustrated sigh and rub my eyes again. I am _so _tired, more tired than I can ever remember being.

Elliot takes his chances and tries again. "How is she doing, Olivia?"

I shake my head and sigh once more. "She's gone, Elliot, that's how she's doing." He frowns. "She took off."

"Where did she go?"

I shrug. "A hotel somewhere. She won't tell me where. She doesn't want me to find her. She said she's coming home, that she just needs some time away. But El . . . I'm so worried about her." My eyes fill with tears just thinking of my sweet Alex alone somewhere.

After a long, uncomfortable silence, Elliot asks, "Has she talked to you at all about what happened?"

I shake my head, putting my eyes to my paperwork once again. "She's done everything to avoid talking about it. She acts like nothing even happened."

Elliot nods slowly. "That's how she's dealing, Liv, by pretending it _didn't _happen."

"But she can't pretend forever. It _did_ happen." Every time I think of Alex being a rape victim, it tears me up inside. Just a couple days ago I was sitting across from a victim who looked so much Alex, and I remember being so thankful that it _wasn't _her. I remember wanting to just go right home and wrap Alex up in my arms forever and shield her from all the danger of the world. I wish now that I had.

"Maybe she should talk to someone." I don't have to ask Elliot who he means by 'someone' and he doesn't elaborate. I know there will be time for that. When Alex is ready.

I meet Elliot's gaze and allow him to see the unshed tears so obvious in my eyes. "I just miss her, El. I wish she would just let me be there for her. She needs me, even if she doesn't realize it. Being alone is not the answer."

Elliot doesn't respond directly. Instead, he seems to have another issue on his mind. "Liv, I want to say again how sorry I am about what happened. Words can't express how guilty I feel, how guilty we all feel. We thought we were following a solid lead, but that's no excuse at all for leaving Alex alone. _No excuse._ And I'm so, so sorry."

I know he is. I know Cragen and Fin are too. Everyone is sorry this happened. Coming into work this morning I was stopped by five different officers, all of whom I've only spoken to maybe twice each, to express their sympathies about what's happened to Alex.

It's funny, I was never popular before this happened. No one even gave me a second look. I'm plain and ordinary, nothing special to look at or talk about. But I'm Alex's girlfriend, and Alex certainly is something special.

So I guess that makes me special in my own way too.

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

There's a soft knock on my door. It startles me and I roll onto my back and just look at it. I know who it is and what I have to do, but I have it in my head that if I lay here for awhile longer they'll go away.

So I turn my eyes to the ceiling and wait. Thirty seconds, maybe longer. Then it comes again. Another soft knock, followed by a voice. "Alex, it's Elliot."

I take my time getting out of bed. I'm not even dressed for visitors, even if it is just Elliot. I'm wearing a loose pair of blue jeans and an oversized white tee, no makeup, my hair unkempt and tangled. Normally I'd be horrified to have anyone see me like this. But right now I don't care in the least.

I hesitantly open the door slowly, in case Olivia is with Elliot and I have to slam it closed again. But he's alone. Watching me intently with a forced smile on his face.

I only offer him a nod and leave the door open as I walk back towards the bed. He gets the hint and enters the room, closing the door gently behind him. I don't sit down; I stand with my back to Elliot, my arms crossed. I can't make eye contact with him. I can't even _look _at him. He allowed this to happen to me. He saw me at my most vulnerable. How can I ever be comfortable around him again?

Elliot is the first to speak. "I know this is hard – and awkward – but I need to take your statement, Alex."

I nod. I know I can't talk to him with my back turned, so I turn around and sink down onto the bed. I still don't look at him. I choose a small black stain on the white comforter to focus on instead.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I'm sorry this happened. I know it doesn't make it better, but –"

"Let's just get this over with," I say, squeezing my eyes shut.

Elliot takes a seat in the nearby chair and I hear the click of his pen and papers rustling. "How did he get you?"

I take a deep breath as the memory comes back to me, much too vividly. Suddenly I'm back there again, standing in the parking lot of that dingy bar and he's behind me, ready to pounce. "I was in the parking lot getting ready to call a cab because I couldn't find you guys." I try to hide the accusation in my voice, but it clearly shows. "He grabbed me from behind. He grabbed my phone and tossed it away, then told me not to scream or he'd kill me. I was scared, so I didn't make a sound." _Stupid, Alex, stupid . . . you should have screamed._ "He shoved a gun into my back and forced me to his car." I squeeze my eyes shut again, trying to picture the car. I know I looked at it. "A Chevy. A gray Chevy. Very old."

I steal a glance at Elliot and see him nod in approval, scribbling down everything I'm saying. "What kind of gun did he have?"

I can't remember. I frantically search my memory, but it's not there. "I – I never saw it."

He raises his eyes to me before going back to writing. "Are you sure he had a gun?"

"I felt something cold pressed against my back. Cold metal."

Elliot hesitates. "So it might not have abeen a gun?"

I am sure it was a gun, but I know Elliot needs the facts. He needs what I know for sure, not what I _think. _"I guess there's a possibility it wasn't a gun . . ."

More writing. Then Elliot is looking at me again. I know what he wants to ask before he even asks it. "Where did he take you?" He knows damn well where he took me, but he has to ask anyway. "Did you see his face?"

"He had a black ski mask on," I tell him, my voice softer than usual. I swallow a wave of nausea that has suddenly crept up on me. "He took me to a nearby alley."

I can tell Elliot doesn't want me to go further. He has all the details already. It's just as hard for him to ask me as it is for me to tell him.

"What did he do to you there, Alex?"

I close my eyes and I'm there again. I can feel him grab me and drag me out of the car. I feel the pain in my back as I hit the ground while he drags me. I'm thrashing and fighting. He's laughing as he threatens me again. I'm pleading for him to stop, to just go away and leave me.

"Alex?"

I realize I'm breathing heavily. I've slid all the way against the headboard and have balled the thin white sheet up on my lap. I'm squeezing it so tightly that my hand hurts. I have no memory of doing that. I open my hand slowly, dropping the sheet, and finally look directly at Elliot. I feel all the blood drain from my face and I know I'm ghostly pale.

Elliot looks at me sympathetically. "Remembering can seem real. It can seem like you're right back there. But you're not. I promise." I can tell he wants to reach out and touch me, but he doesn't. "You're right here, with me."

_I wish I was here with Olivia. I wish she was holding me now. She'd make me feel better. She'd make this all go away. She'd know what to do._

Elliot gives me some time, gets me a glass of water, and then gently asks me to go on.

"He pulled me out of the car. I was fighting him. I wanted to scream. But he threatened me again. I still wanted to cry out, but it was like I couldn't. It was like I was paralyzed." My mind skips ahead to the next memory. Of him on top of me, taking off my shirt, fondling my breasts. Telling me how 'hot' I was and making pleasurable sounds. I clear my throat and describe it to Elliot. "He took off my shirt, and then fondled my – my –" I can't seem to say it. I only hope Elliot picks up on what I'm trying to say.

He's writing again, but he nods. "It's okay, Alex. I know. Keep going, please."

I don't want to keep going. I can remember everything in such vivid detail that I can actually _feel _it and I don't want to tell Elliot. I don't want him to know how dirty I am, what I allowed to happen. He already knows, but not the details.

"Then he took the rest of my clothes off, and his, and –" That's all I can manage. I can't do anymore. My breath is hitching in my throat. My chest is constricting, squeezing tighter with every breath. I know I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

Elliot can no doubt sense my panic. He closes his notebook and rises from his seat. "It's okay. I have everything I need. You don't have to go into details."

I have my hand on my chest, trying to steady my breathing. He's lying; I didn't give him enough details. You're supposed to re-live every agonizing moment. Every sensation, every bit of fear and pain, everything.

But Elliot isn't making me. He feels too guilty.

Elliot doesn't leave until he makes sure I'm okay and I make him promise not to tell Olivia where I am. As soon as he's out the door, I lock it tightly and jump back under the covers, rolling onto my side and holding the pillow to my chest. I pretend it's Olivia, that she's here with me, keeping me safe. But she isn't, and I'm not.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

When Elliot returns to the precinct, I can tell just from looking in his eyes where he's been. "Where is she? How's she doing? Has she been eating anything? Was she okay talking to you? When is she coming home?"

"She's fine," is all he says.

"Oh, no, you don't. Elliot, you owe me more than just 'she's fine'."

"What can I tell you, Liv? She's fine. She didn't tell me if she's been eating anything, she held up fine talking to me, she didn't tell me if or when she's coming home, and she told me not to tell you where she is."

I'm seething. "Elliot –"

"Olivia, I won't betray her trust." _Again. _He doesn't say the words, but we both hear them.

"Let me see her statement."

"No."

"I have the right to see her statement."

"Liv, you're not working her case. And it's her right and her choice to tell you when and if she wants you to know."

I want to hit him again, am afraid I actually will. But I don't. He's not worth it. I'll call Alex. I'll tell her to come home.

I pull out my cell phone and dial Alex's number. She answers on the second ring, and the sound of her sweet voice nearly brings me to tears.

"Hi, baby," I say as gently as I can. "How's it going?"

Her voice is mostly steady and her tone is clipped as she says, "I'm fine, Olivia."

"Do you have everything you need? Do you want me to bring you something, some clothes, books, money?"

"No, thank you, Olivia."

Moisture wells in my eyes at the way she's speaking to me, as distant as she was on her first day at the precinct. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Yes," she says quietly, and hangs up the phone.

My tears start to fall as I hang up my own phone. I don't know what I've done wrong, and I don't know how to fix things. I miss Alex so much, and yet, she wants nothing to do with me.

Then it occurs to me, and the realization makes my breath catch. What if Alex blames me, for not being there for her, for not protecting her? Even if she didn't tell me what she doing, maybe she expected me to be there, somehow. I know it's ridiculous, but I love my Alex so much, and I don't know what else it could be.

I know she doesn't want me to, but I decide to go see her anyway. I have to. I need her just as much as she needs me, and I can't go another day without seeing her beautiful face, without holding her hand, stroking her silky blonde hair, kissing those soft pink lips.

I have to go see her. I have to. I can trace her call, and I'm going to. There's just no choice anymore. I'm falling apart.

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

I'm lying in bed and flipping channels on the small television in the dingy hotel room when I hear another knock on the door. I tense, almost instinctively, before reaching the conclusion that it must be Elliot, that he must be ready to ask me some more questions now. I brace myself and get to my feet.

When I open the door, I'm so surprised to see Olivia that it takes me a moment to react, and she's entered the room before I have a chance to slam the door. "Hi, Alex," she says gently, sitting down on the chair in the room.

I cross my arms over my chest. "Go home, Olivia."

"Alex, I am home. My home is wherever you are."

And I almost break. Her sweet words always do that to me. But I have to stay strong. "Olivia –"

"Wait, Alex, please." Her hands move as if she wants to touch me, but she holds herself back. "I – I have something for you," she says, holding up a wrapped box I didn't notice before.

"I don't want it," I say immediately.

"Please, Alex. I got it for you. I want you to have it."

The look on her face is so eager and excited that I can't resist, and I take the box and reluctantly start to unwrap it. I carefully fold the wrapping paper as I always do, and I catch Olivia's smile at my familiar action. I open the box and take out a small white teddy bear, holding a heart in its hands.

"Press his stomach," Olivia says, and she looks so earnest that I do so.

The bear lights up and begins to sing as soon as I press its stomach. _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away._

Damn her for making me feel so guilty about this. Doesn't she see that I'm trying my best to get better so I can be what she needs and wants me to be? So I can be there for her like she always is for me? And here she is, bringing me a stupid little bear singing a stupid little song about how I make her happy. I'm not making her happy right now; I'm making her miserable and we both know it. Damn her.

I glare at Olivia. She's still smiling, as if she's _proud _of herself, or proud of me. How can she be?

Suddenly, anger surges through me. How _dare _she? I hurl the bear as hard as I can across the room. It hits the wall and falls to the ground. I'm sure it's contaminated now. Who knows what bacteria might be present on the floor of this dirty hotel? "Get out!" I yell at Olivia. "Go back to work. Take your stupid fucking teddy bear and go back to your stupid fucking partner and do your stupid fucking job. Don't come here again."

Tears stream down Olivia's cheeks as she bends down to pick up the bear, and I feel guilty about that for a moment, but I shake it off. It's her own damn fault. She has no right to make me feel guilty about this.

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispers as she picks up the bear and hugs it to her chest. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I won't bother you again."

As the door closes behind her, I feel my own tears bubbling up inside me. I lie back down on the bed and bury my face in the thin pillow. As I lie in that bed and sob my heart out, I miss Olivia more than I ever thought I could miss a human being.

Damn, I really wish I'd kept that bear.


	6. Chapter 6

**Alex's POV**

The insistent ring of my cell phone wakes me from my troubled slumber shortly after eleven PM. I had been in a deep sleep, probably brought on by the exhaustion of the events of the past few days. I wasn't even dreaming. I was sleeping well for once, and now someone is disturbing me.

I groan as I pull myself upright on the hard mattress and fumble around on the nightstand. I almost knock it off before I'm able to get a good hold on it. It better not be Olivia. I can't talk to her right now.

"Hello?" This is one of the only times I've ever answered my phone with 'Hello' instead of 'Alex Cabot'.

"Alex, it's Elliot. I hope I didn't wake you."

I let out a breath. I knew he had more questions for me. "Elliot, hi. I wasn't sleeping. It's okay." Another lie. This one is small but a lie nonetheless.

There is a pause on the other end. And then, "Alex, there was another rape. Tonight."

I feel my breath catch in my throat. All the air goes out of me and the room starts to spin.

"The girl was taken from the Horseshoe. We find her in an alley. Not only was she raped, but she was beaten pretty badly. She fought back."

_She fought back. _I'm sure he threatened her as he did me, _but she fought back. _She didn't just lay there and take it as I did. She actually tried to help herself. She knew the consequences, but she still did it.

I'm so ashamed of myself.

When I finally find my voice and am able to form words, my voice comes out meeker than I intend it to. "Was she able to tell you anything?" _Unlike I was, _I want to add.

Elliot lets out another breath. He's speaking so tentatively and slowly, as if testing each word on his tongue before it reaches my ears. "We have a suspect in custody. Unfortunately the girl is still unconscious and not able to talk to us right now. But we would like you to come down to the precinct to view a lineup."

"I didn't see his face, Elliot. I told you he was wearing a ski mask."

"But you may have seen him – at the bar – before." I know what he wants to say, but he doesn't say it. The guilt is probably too much for him. Good. It should be. This is partly his fault too.

I look around my dirty hotel room. I haven't left here in days. I tried to walk to the little corner store last night, but I was overcome with anxiety and fear just walking through the parking lot. I kept hearing someone behind me, feeling someone watching me. So I had retreated back to the safety of my room. I know there wasn't anyone there, but I no longer feel safe. In my tiny hotel room with the door locked, no one can get to me; out there, they can.

"Alex?" Elliot's worried voice lets me know more time has elapsed between when he asked me and now than I realize. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head to clear my jumbled thoughts. "I'm okay." There's nothing else I can really say.

"Do you think you can come on down to the precinct right now?"

The Alex of a week ago would have gotten right up and started getting ready while still talking to Elliot. She would have told him she would be right there and made it to the precinct in record time.

But this Alex stumbles on her words, sounding more like a confused and lost child than a professional woman. Well, a _former _professional woman. "I . . . I guess I can . . ." What I want to say is no – hell, no, actually – and climb back under the covers where it's safe. But I know I can't. Another woman was attacked tonight and I don't want it to happen again. I don't want another woman to feel what I'm feeling right now.

"We would really appreciate it, Alex."

I nod, even though he can't see it. There's something I desperately want but I'm ashamed to ask for it. I never used to have to ask for anything; I never _needed _anything. "Do you think you can send someone to pick me up?" God, I'm so pathetic! He's probably laughing at me right now.

"I can do that. I'll have Fin drop by and get you."

I'm grateful he didn't suggest sending Olivia. Then a sudden, horrible thought occurs to me – Olivia is going to be at the precinct. "Is Olivia there?"

Elliot answers much too quickly. "She's here." A pause. And then, hopefully, "Would you like to speak with her?"

"No. No, Elliot, I don't." I can picture her looking over his shoulder, an expectant expression on her face when she discovers he's speaking to me. I can picture him glancing at her with a smile when I mention her name. And I can picture the heartbreaking look she'll get when I say my next words. "I don't want her there when I arrive."

"Alex, I really think –"

"I said I don't want her there, Elliot." My no-nonsense, stoic tone has resurfaced, and Elliot knows better than to argue with it.

I don't want it to be like this anymore. Olivia is the _only _thing I want right now. It's killing me to be away from her. We haven't been apart for even a night since we've been together. I wish I were strong enough to let her in, to let her comfort me like I need her to. But I'm not. Not anymore.

I wish I could just be _better_.

Elliot promises me Olivia will be gone when I get there. As I hang up with him and sit on the bed to wait for Fin, I hate myself more than I thought was possible.

* * *

><p>I have been here so many times. Standing on the other side of the glass in front of the lineup, waiting anxiously for a positive ID. Watching the victim struggle to recognize the person who violated them so violently. But until now I've never been the one to have to actually <em>make <em>the ID.

I understand now how difficult this is. I now regret all those times I found myself frustrated when a victim would hesitate or not even be able to view the lineup. I never realized how hard it is to look at someone and try to decide if they're the one who took your life away from you.

Elliot is standing on my right, Cragen on my left. Normally this would make me feel secure but I don't think anything could right now. I see a group of seven men standing in line, but I force myself not to study them too closely. I'll look at each one as they step forward. Do this slowly. I won't recognize anyone anyway; he had a mask on. I'll be out of here soon.

Number one steps forward and I take a good look at him. He's Asian, very skinny and short. I doubt he could overtake any woman. Number two is quite large with several piercing and tattoos. A typical criminal, but no one I recognize. Number three stirs nothing in me either.

But when number four steps forward I have to stifle a cry and visibly stiffen. The short black, spiked hair, the earring in his left ear, the casual clothing – it's Corey. The man who approached me at the Horseshoe.

I turn to Cragen and I feel all the color drain from my face. "I – I recognize him. From the bar."

Fin and Cragen look quickly at each other before Cragen says, "Are you sure you recognize him, Alex?"

I can only nod. I close my eyes and turn away from the glass. If I continue to look at him I'll be sick.

"He's the one we picked up tonight, a few blocks from the alley. He had blood on his hands and his pants."

I feel even sicker now. That night at the bar I had been sure it was him, but then I just let him walk away. I didn't follow him like I should have. I let him turn and walk away. Because I thought he had been rejecting me. Now I realize he was just scoping me out.

"He was talking to me at the bar that night. Told me his name was Corey. I had a feeling he was into me, but then he said he had an obligation and had to leave. I thought I was wrong; if he had been the guy, he wouldn't be walking away. So I let him leave. And now . . ." I trail off, so angry with myself that I can't even finish my thought.

Elliot's hands come to rest on my shoulders, but he quickly removes them when he sees the panicked look on my face. I guess for a moment he forgot I wasn't me anymore. "It isn't your fault, Alex."

But I just shake my head and tell him I want to go back to the hotel. I know that_ everything _is my fault.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

Alex has been gone a week now. _A week. _The last time I saw her was four days ago when I took her a gift at her motel room. A gift she hated. The cute little bear is now sitting on our dresser at home. I squeeze it every night before bed. The song and the way the bear lights up remind me of Alex. Alex always lights up around me, and she truly is my only sunshine.

I can understand why Alex rejected my gift. I wasn't giving her the time she needed. I wasn't thinking of her. I was thinking of myself and how much I wanted to see her, to touch her. To just be with her.

I ache for her everyday. If only a week without her is this miserable, I can't even begin to imagine how it would have been if I had lost her that night. I need her – she's necessary to my survival. Without her beautiful face and her soft touch, I'm not me. I'm not Olivia Benson. I just exist, without a name or a persona.

I know Alex is hurting and feeling guilty all at once and it makes this whole thing worse that she thinks she has to deal with this alone. Alex is mine, I'm hers, and she doesn't have to deal with anything alone. If I can't make her understand that, then I've failed at my job as her girlfriend.

So that's how I justify standing outside her hotel room door an hour later. I just need to see her.

I hear Alex's voice from the other side of the door just seconds after I've knocked. "Who is it?" She sounds distant and . . . scared. And it makes my heart ache for her.

"Alex, it's Liv. Let me in." I give her no room for argument at all. When I don't hear her unlocking the door, I try a different approach. "Alex, if you don't open the door, I'll get the hotel manager to let me in. All I have to do is flash my badge. One way or another I'm coming in."

And then Alex opens the door. Maybe because she realizes she has no choice or maybe because she hears the sheer desperation evident in my voice. Whatever the reason may be, I am now looking at my beautiful girlfriend standing in the doorway of her hotel room. She's wearing sweats and a white tee, and her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy. She's been crying.

Neither of us speaks and I make no attempt to enter her hotel room. Alex blinks several times, as if trying to decide whether or not I'm real. Then, slowly, she holds the door open and tells me to come in.

I start talking as soon as the door is closed behind me. I stand in front of her bed and face Alex, crossing my arms in front of my chest. There's only one way to do this, and that's by taking a direct approach. "Alex, I'm going to talk and you're going to listen." She stands awkwardly in front of me, opening her mouth to speak but changing her mind at the last minute. I continue. "I understand why you went away. I understand why you're upset and angry. I understand why you don't want to be around me right now. And, believe it or not, Alex, I understand how you're feeling. You feel like a victim and you don't want to be one. So you're doing everything to avoid that feeling, including staying away from the person who loves you the most in this world. You're running away from what happened, but it doesn't help, does it? It still happened, and what you have to realize is that you _are _a victim, Lexi."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head. "Liv, please –"

I interrupt her. "I said I was going to talk and you were going to_ listen_, Alex. And you are." I'm using a harsh tone now and I hate doing that to her, but this is what it comes down to. "I've been going crazy without you this past week. I never thought another person's absence would hurt so much, but it does. I can't sleep; I can't eat. I can't focus at work. Every time my phone rings, I think it's you, and my heart is broken when I realize it's not. I miss your touch, and touching you. I miss the way your silky hair feels in my fingers. I miss the taste of your lips on mine. I miss the way your lipstick smears me and the guys exchange an amused look when they see it and know exactly how it happened. I miss your voice reading me something interesting from the paper in the morning over breakfast. I miss your eyes staring into mine from behind your cute glasses. I miss your laugh. I miss _you._ I just miss you, Alex." I had told myself I wouldn't cry, that I would be strong. But I can't manage it. I burst into tears.

I sit down on the bed and cover my face with my hands, my shoulders shaking as I sob. I'm angry at myself – how can I not stay strong for her when she needs me to?

Suddenly, I feel arms around me. It takes me a moment to realize what's happening, but when I do, I wrap my arms around my girlfriend and squeeze as hard as I can. She's crying too, her tears mixing with mine as we become a quivering sobbing mess.

Then she says the sweetest words I've ever heard. "I miss you too, Liv. Please take me home."

* * *

><p>It's raining outside, and I drape my coat around Alex's thin shoulders as we leave the hotel. I don't want her to catch a chill.<p>

I keep an arm around her as I raise my hand to hail a cab. The rain is soaking her hair and she's shivering, and I hold her closer in an attempt to transfer my own body heat to her.

A cab stops after a few moments, and Alex is silent throughout the taxi ride. I hold her throughout the trip, and surprisingly, she lets me.

When we get back to our apartment, I lead her into the bedroom. "Come on, baby. Let's get you out of those wet clothes."

Without a word, she turns away from me and pulls off her soaked sweatpants and t-shirt. I hand her a fresh pair of sweatpants and one of my NYPD t-shirts, hoping to make her smile, even just a little. She doesn't. Her face is stony, and she barely meets my eyes.

I want so badly to reach out and touch her, but I don't. "I'm going to make you a cup of tea," I say quietly, and leave the room.

I return a few minutes later with a mug of tea. Alex is lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, her eyes glazed over. I sit down beside her and set the mug down on the nightstand.

"Do you want me to run you a bath, Alex?"

She doesn't respond.

I sigh. "You're shivering, Alex. Let's get you under the covers."

She slides mechanically closer to the headboard, and I tuck her beneath the blankets and kiss her forehead.

"I love you, Lexi," I whisper.

She closes her eyes. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I thought I'd be better. I thought going away would make me better. I just want to be better for you. But I'm not. I don't know how – I don't want to do this to you. I can't keep hurting you."

"Alex," I say after a moment, measuring my words, "the only thing that hurts me is being without you. All I want is to have you with me. That's all I need."

She shakes her head. "I'm not _me_ anymore, Liv. I'm not the Alex you fell in love with."

"Yes, you are, baby. You are. You're still you. You're just going through something really tough right now, and I just want to help you. Tell me how I can help you."

Alex sighs. "I thought having him in jail would make me better, but it didn't. I'm still _scared_, Olivia. I never used to be scared."

"Alex, you're human. I know sometimes you like to pretend you're not, but you're just a person, and anyone would be scared after what you went through. You don't always have to be so strong, sweetie."

She turns away from me and buries her face in her pillow. "Yes, I do."

I gently rub her back. She flinches at first, but relaxes into the touch after a moment. "I love you," I tell her again, because it's all I can do right now.

Alex turns over a few minutes alter, and I see her eyes fall on the teddy bear I got her a few days ago. "Liv –"

"I'll get rid of it if you want, baby," I say quickly.

She shakes her head. "No. Don't." She reaches to the nightstand and pulls the bear into her arms, sighing again. She presses its stomach and the bear lights up and starts to sing.

I'm scared she's going to throw it across the room again, but she doesn't. She holds it tighter, and I see the tears in her eyes slipping down her cheeks and wetting the bear's fur.

She looks so small and desolate that I feel my heart break. "Baby, can I hold you?"

Alex nods, and I take her into my arms, holding her close and kissing the crown of her head. Her body is limp and still trembling, and nothing I do seems to help. I tell her I love her again, but I don't think that helps either.

"I'm going to have to testify," she says after a moment. "At his trial."

"I'll be there for you every step of the way."

"No. I don't want you there."

"Alex –"

"_No_. I don't want you involved in this case." She squeezes the bear and her eyelids droop. "_My _case."

I sigh. "We don't need to discuss this right now."

"I'm sorry, Olivia. I just don't want you to – to see me like that. I wish I could just be better and be there for you instead of always making you be there for me. I shouldn't have gone out that night. I should have listened to you."

She's right, but I don't tell her that. "This wasn't your fault, Alex."

Alex sniffles. "Yes, it was. I should never have done this. I never should have let this happen."

I hug Alex more tightly. "Shh, it's okay, sweetheart. You didn't ask for this to happen. It's not your fault. I don't blame you, not at all."

"Don't lie to me, Olivia. I know you do."

"Alex –"

She pulls out of my arms. "Just leave me, Olivia. I just want to be by myself."

I sigh again. "Okay, baby. I'll be in the kitchen. What would you like for dinner?"

She doesn't answer.

My heart is breaking as I get out of bed and start toward the kitchen, wondering what I can do for my Alex now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Alex's POV**

I don't want to be here. I shouldn't _have _to be here. If I say I want to go back to work, I should just be able to, no questions asked. If I feel I'm ready, that should be enough.

Forcing me to sit in Elizabeth Olivet's office and have her shrink me before I can go back to my own job is degrading and wrong. The tone she is using with me – soft and deliberate, as if I'm a china doll that's going to shatter – makes me angrier with every word she speaks to me.

"Why do you feel you're ready to return to work?"

I look at her and force myself to remain calm. I can't blow up at her. She's only doing her job. And if I want her to clear me, I have to tread very carefully. So I swallow the tiny shred of pride I have left and say, "Because I need to get things back to normal. I need a workload to occupy my day. I need Olivia to be able to go back to work full time too instead of hovering over me every day, worrying about me. I just need to be normal again."

Olivet nods in understanding. "I understand your rush to have things return to normal. That's all anyone in your position would want." By position she means 'rape victim'. "But it isn't as easy as that, Alex. You can't shove what happened aside and ignore it. You have to talk about it and deal with it before you can move on."

I scoff at her. "I _am_ moving on."

"You're remaining in a perpetual state of denial. You know what happened, yet you choose to pretend it didn't. You think that will make things easier."

Wow, she needed a college degree to come to this conclusion? I could have gotten that diagnosis from a magazine in the lounge.

"So far you've been here for almost forty-five minutes and you haven't said a word about what's happened to you. Every time I ask about it, you change the subject to something about Olivia. Why is that?"

Shouldn't that be obvious? I can feel myself growing angrier still, but I continue to remain calm. "Because I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to have to re-live the experience at the bastard's trial and I already had to tell Detective Stabler. Sitting here rehashing it for you is something I don't want."

"Why do you start to talk about Olivia when I ask about the attack?"

I find it amusing that she keeps referring to the rape as an 'attack'. Maybe she thinks that makes it less traumatic somehow. Maybe she thinks that will make me feel comfortable enough to talk about it. Sorry, Dr. Olivet, but that's not going to work.

I take a deep breath. "I talk about Olivia because it makes me feel better. Thinking about her, talking about her . . . makes me feel normal again."

Dr. Olivet nods again, and this time she writes something on the pad of paper she has balanced on her crossed legs. "Have you talked to Olivia about what happened?"

I quickly shake my head. "She doesn't need to be burdened with it. She has her own worries. She doesn't need to think about it."

"Does she ask you about it?"

"Yes. But I won't tell her."

"Right now I think you're Olivia's main worry. She loves you and the fact that you're hurting so badly right now is tearing her apart. She 'hovers over you' as you put it because she loves you so much and is willing to do anything to make you feel better. All she wants is for you to let her in." Dr. Olivet is staring at me now, waiting for me respond, but I don't. "Alex, Olivia is the most important person in your life right now and if you don't feel comfortable talking to me, you need to talk to her. You can't keep this bottled up inside."

I sigh. "I'm fine. I always keep things bottled up inside."

"You don't need to, Alex. You have people who care about you."

I'm frustrated now, and adding that to my anger makes me boil over the top. "Okay, we've established that." I nod at the papers on her lap. "Now just clear me so I can get out of here and get back to work."

Olivet doesn't flinch. In fact, my words don't seem to have any impact at all. "What's going to happen when you're faced with your first rape case so soon after coming back? How are you going to listen to the victim talk about it? How are you going to be able to sit there and deal with someone else's rape when you can't even deal with your own?"

And then it happens. Despite my best efforts, I burst into tears. Olivet immediately hands me a box of tissues and I angrily rip a couple from the box and dab my eyes. I'm so mad at myself – I never cry, especially not in front of strangers. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I so weak now that I can't even control my emotions? Is this I've become?

"I'm sorry," I manage to choke out as I finally feel the tears subsiding. I honestly can't think of anything else to say. "I'm so sorry."

It's a moment before Olivet speaks again, and when she does she's using that fragile tone again. "You don't have to apologize for being human, Alex. Showing emotions is just part of being human. Nothing for you to be ashamed of at all."

I frown, more at myself than at Olivet. "I don't ever cry. I'm sorry."

She writes a rather lengthy entry on her paper and then raises her eyes to me again, locking me in her gaze. "Alex, I'm going to recommend you seek outside counseling, at least once a week. I can give you a referral to an excellent doctor I know personally who specializes in trauma victims."

I shake my head quickly. "No. No shrinks."

Olivet ignores me. "She's an excellent doctor, Alex, and I think you'll do well with her."

"I don't need counseling. I just need to get back to work."

Olivet sighs and her expression changes to one of compassion. "I understand your feelings and have considered your request, but I'm afraid I can't clear you to return to work."

I find myself outraged. "And why not?"

"You're not equipped to deal with the demands of the job in your current emotional state. You need to come to terms with what happened. And until you do that – until you deal with it – you won't be returning to work."

I jump off the sofa and face Olivet. "How dare you?" I can feel my heart rate climbing and myself on the verge of more tears. I know I have to leave her office before I do something I regret. So without another word to her and without taking the referral, I leave her office and slam the door angrily behind me.

I stride down the hall as fast as I can. I can't wait to get out of here. Can't wait to get to Olivia and have her take me home. I see someone I know – a young intern at the DA's office, Kyle – smiling and waving at me from a few feet away, but I just keep going.

I get to the elevators and find someone else there waiting. I sigh and cross my arms, hoping the wait for the elevator won't be long.

The woman standing in front of me suddenly turns around and looks at me. She's wearing a light blue blazer and skirt and has intense red hair, and I have the distinct feeling I know her from somewhere, but I can't seem to remember where.

"Alexandra Cabot?" She obviously knows me too. The look on my face must give away my confusion, because she says, "I'm Casey Novak; I'm filling in for you. It's nice to finally meet you."

Oh, dear God, what the heck am I supposed to say? This is the woman who is doing _my _job. The job I should be doing rightnow.

She's smiling at me with her hand extended and I know I can't just blow her off, so I reach out and shake her hand. But I don't smile. I refuse to.

I feel a bit awkward and I can tell Casey does too as she seems to search for the right thing to say. And then of everything she could have chosen to say, she says, "It's nice to see you . . . around."

I know she doesn't mean it in the context I'm thinking, but I blow up at her anyway. I can't help it. I'm angry and frustrated, and she's standing here, so she's going to be the one I lash out at. "I'll bet it is. Well, don't worry; I just spoke to Dr. Olivet. She won't clear me, so I guess you're still on the job. Congratulations." My tone is harsher than I intend for it to be but I don't care.

Suddenly the elevator returns and the door opens. It couldn't have come at a better time. I step around Casey and into the elevator. I can tell she wants to say something but thinks better of it. Good choice on her part.

"You waiting for the elevator?" I ask, knowing the doors are going to close momentarily.

Casey shakes her head. "I'll wait for the next one."

Another good choice. I give her one last glare before the elevator doors close.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

Alex fell asleep on the sofa. It's been so long since she's done that. Usually she can make it until bed time but today has been a rough day for her. _Another _rough day.

She hasn't said much since she spoke to Dr. Olivet at the DA's office this afternoon. The only thing she'd say was that Olivet wouldn't clear her for work. She was very upset about that, but I was secretly relieved. I know she's not ready and I'm glad Dr. Olivet sees it too.

Normally I'd wake Alex for dinner in a sweet way. I'd lie down next to her and cuddle her until she opened her baby blues or I'd tickle her back and shoulders until she woke up and swatted my hand away, as she always does when I try to tickle her. She's so ticklish, and despite all her protests, she can't help but burst out in fits of giggles when I tickle her. I yearn to do it now.

But I know any intimate touch would be unwelcome right now, so I settle for standing over Alex and looking down at her, admiring how beautiful and strong she is.

As I watch her, a memory from just a few months before comes flooding back to me.

* * *

><p><em>I open the door to the crib carefully. I know Alex is sleeping. She was so exhausted when she got here that she has to be asleep,<em>

_It's after eleven and Alex dropped by a little after nine to wait for me to get out of work. We both have been working long shifts and tonight Alex was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open sitting at my desk, so I banished her to the crib a little over an hour ago._

_I find her in the last bed in the back, the one she always chooses when she crashes her waiting for me. She's lying on top of the covers, her blazer draped over the bed next to her. She's lying on her side with her back to me and her breathing confirms my suspicion that she's asleep. My breath nearly catches in my throat; she's so beautiful when she's asleep. Her golden hair frames the pillow like a halo, and she's squeezing another pillow loosely to her chest._

_I smile; I know the perfect way to wake her up. Working slowly and quietly and I slip my shoes off and remove my jacket. Then I go around to the other side of the bed and carefully remove the pillow from her grasp. I'm determined to take its place. She shifts but does not wake up. My smile grows wider._

_I silently slide into the bed and wrap my arms around Alex. Instinctively she slides closer to me and buries her face in my chest. She knows it's me. After a few seconds I feel her arms tighten around me too and I completely relax, the events of the long and hard day forgotten. _

_I'm so comfortable and I hate to wake Alex from her slumber, so I decide we'll just stay here. We've never spent an entire night in the crib before, and tomorrow is Saturday. Neither of us has to work. It's perfect. I stifle a laugh when I think about someone opening the door tomorrow morning and finding us intertwined together._

_I'm about to close my eyes and allow myself to sleep when a soft voice suddenly says, "Liv." _

_I'm looking into Alex's beautiful blue eyes and it puts another smile on her face. I guess I wasn't being as quiet as I had thought. "Hey, sweetheart. I thought you were asleep."_

_She nuzzles deep into me and sighs contentedly. "I was."_

"_I didn't mean to wake up. I'm sorry."_

_Alex starts to stroke my bare arm. "I'm not." The sensation of her touch is so relaxing and wonderful that I close my eyes. "This is my favorite thing to wake up to."_

_I squeeze her tighter. "Today was really hard. But being here with you now . . . I forgot all about it. You're with me now. And that makes it so much better."_

_Alex lets out something resembling a sigh. "You done with work?"_

_I nod. "You want to go home?"_

"_I'm rather comfortable." She tightens her grip on me. "Let's just stay."_

_I tell her I was thinking the same thing, and I force her to look at me so I can capture her soft lips with mine. When I pull away she's smiling so widely I think her face is going to crack. I trace her cheeks with my fingers. "You're beautiful. I love you."_

"_I love you too, Liv. And you're beautiful too." My heart swells when she says this. I notice her shiver and then she says, "I'm a bit cold. Can you remedy that, Detective?"_

_Smiling slyly, I wrap my arms around her again. "Of course, Counselor. It would be my honor." Neither of us suggests getting under the covers to warm up. Clinging to each other this way, we don't need them._

_Once Alex's breath evens out and I know she's safe and sleeping, I allow myself to sleep as well._

* * *

><p>I have tears in my eyes at the memory. Our relationship used to be so easy, so natural. I wonder if it will ever be that way again.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

I wake up to find Olivia watching me with something that resembling nostalgia on her face. She looks upset. Sad. Like she's lost something important to her. _Me_.

I've lost me, too.

"Liv," I say quietly, and she's beside me in an instant, sitting down on the couch and putting a hand on the small of my back. I instinctively flinch away from her touch, but when I see the hurt look on her face, I force myself to lean toward her again.

She looks uncertain for a moment, but then she starts to stroke my hair. "How did it go with Olivet today, sweetheart?"

I stiffen. "I don't want to talk about it." I told her that before. Does she think I'm going to be more open now that she's caught me off guard?

It annoys me that she'd even ask again. I know it shouldn't. I know my nerves are just tight and I'm taking it out on Olivia, and I hate myself for that. I love her so much, and I wish I could be as good to her as she is to me, as good as she deserves for me to be. But I can't seem to control myself, not my feelings or my actions.

"I'm here for you, Alex," she says, continuing to run her fingers through my hair.

"I know."

"Are you hungry?" she asks after a few minutes.

"No."

She sighs and kisses the top of my head. "Alex, you haven't had anything all day. You've got to eat something. I'll make you whatever you want."

I pull away from her. "I don't want anything, Olivia. Stop it." I stand up and start toward the bedroom. "I'm going to lie down. Please don't join me."

"Alex –" Her voice cracks on that one word, and I almost break. But I can't be around her, not now, not yet. I need to be alone, where the only person I can hurt is myself.

"Olivia, I said let me be."

She ignores me and takes my arm. Not roughly, but firmly enough to prevent me from going anywhere. "Alex, we need to talk."

I yank my arm out of her grasp. "There's nothing to talk about."

She puts her hand on my shoulder this time. "Sit down."

"Let go of me, Olivia."

"No, Alex. I'm not going to let you push me away like this. Not anymore. I can't let you do this, Alex. I can't handle it. I need you to sit and I need you to listen to me."

"Don't touch me." I pull away from her, but she grabs my arm again.

Panic is rushing through my body. She won't let go of me. I need her to stop touching me. _Now_.

I hit her. I lift my free hand and punch her in the stomach.

She lets go of me and stumbles back, clutching her stomach. I watch her for a moment, stunned at what I've done. I've never _hit _Olivia before.

This is what I mean. I just wanted her to stop touching me, and I hit her. I _hit _Olivia. Olivia, who is always so gentle and good and kind to me, no matter what. I never should have done that. But it's almost like I can't control myself now, and it scares me.

I crumple to the ground and curl up in a ball, pulling my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth as a sob rips through me.

Olivia's beside me in an instant, her arms wrapped tightly around me. This time, I let her. This time, I want her arms around me.

I let her hold me, even though I know I don't deserve her warmth, because I need it right now. With how miserable I've been making her for this past week, I need to know she still loves me. I'm so terrified she won't. I'm so terrified I don't deserve her love. And there she is, sitting on the ground with me, hugging me until I run out of tears.

I struggle to get up, but my legs are weak and wobbly. I'm murmuring apologies over and over again, but I'm not sure if Olivia hears. She sweeps me into her arms like I'm nothing more than a baby and carries me our bedroom. She tucks me into bed and tenderly pulls the covers over me, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "I'm so sorry," she whispers, and gives me one last feather light kiss before she leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

I sit outside our bedroom door, listening as Alex's quiet whimpers fade into soft, even breaths. When I'm sure she's asleep, I go into the living room and sit down on the couch. I can't believe that just happened. I'm not used to seeing Alex fall apart like this, but I know I brought it on. I shouldn't have grabbed her. I should have realized it would scare her. I should have just let her be and not touched her when she told me not to.

_I'm so sorry, Alex_, I want to tell her again, but I can't. I'll sleep out here tonight, away from her, and give Alex her space. I won't crowd her. I'll let her come to me when she's ready. I'll let her take the lead now. I won't scare her again.

* * *

><p>Alex is still asleep when I leave for work the next morning, so I leave her a note telling her that I've left already, but I'll be back at one to take her out for lunch if she likes, and my phone is always on if she needs me.<p>

When I get to the squad room, I'm surprised to find Elizabeth Olivet sitting at my desk. "Olivia," she says quietly, "I need to talk to you about Alex."

I nod, my mouth suddenly dry.

"Captain Cragen said we could use his office."

I follow Olivet into the captain's office and sit down across from her. I don't say anything, unsure what she wants to discuss with me and wary of what she might tell me. I know she isn't allowed to speak in specifics and tell me exactly what Alex said to her, but clearly it was something troubling.

"Has Alex spoken to you about what happened yet?" Olivet asks after a moment, with no preamble.

"No. I'm not going to push her." I wince, remembering what happened last night when I did try to push her.

"Olivia, I think she needs more help than just you can provide. She would benefit from outside counseling. I tried to give her the number of a doctor who specializes in trauma, but she wouldn't take it. Dr. Allen is a friend of mine, and I think she'll be able to help Alex. I know Alex won't call herself. I think you should give her a call and see if you can set up an appointment for Alex."

I shake my head. I know Alex will take it as a personal affront if I set up an appointment without asking her. She's so independent, sometimes to a fault, but I won't insult her like this.

"Olivia, I'm really worried about Alex," Olivet says. "I think this is something you need to do for her, if she won't do it by herself."

I'm starting to worry now. This is clearly more serious than I thought. "What did she _say _to you?"

Olivet sighs. "Olivia, you know I can't tell you that. But this is hurting her more than I think you know –"

"I _know _it's hurting her! I know Alex. I know this is incredibly painful for her."

"I know you do. But the two of you can't do this alone, Olivia. She needs outside help." She hesitates. "For that matter, so do you. I know this is taking a toll on you, too, and you can't continue to support her without taking care of yourself. You're going to burn out, and when you do, you're not going to be any help to Alex." She pulls a business card out of her purse. "This is for you. The doctor is a friend of mine. She specializes in partners of sexual assault victims."

I glance at the card. Dr. Marianne Snyder. I've heard of her. I've referred partners of rape victims to her before.

Then it hits me. That's what Alex and I are. She is a rape victim.

I wish this had never happened.

"I'll discuss it with Alex," I tell Dr. Olivet, even though I already know what she's going to tell me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Olivia's POV**

I get back to the apartment at a little after one with the intention of taking Alex to our favorite Chinese buffet place a few blocks from home. We often go there for lunch because it's close, quick, and the food is good.

I've already decided not to bring up the referral I got from Dr. Olivet until this evening. I want us to have a pleasant lunch.

I expect to find Alex curled up on the sofa in one of my NYPD sweatshirts, but she's not there. The TV is off and there are no signs of life at all.

I'm immediately concerned, and a sense of nagging dread grips me.

_Did she take off again? She wouldn't do that – would she?_

I find her in our bedroom, in bed. That sense of dread returns. It looks like she's been here all day, since she's wearing the tee she slept in, and it's _extremely _unusual for Alex to sleep all day. She hardly ever sleeps past nine a.m. on a day off.

"Alex." I keep my voice low and soft as I make her aware of my presence. She grumbles and turns around to face me. "Alex, have you been asleep all day? Are you sick?"

She turns her back on me before she answers. "I'm fine."

I hate that it's like this between us now. I hate that she feels she has to lie to me. It isn't fair to either of us.

Reluctantly I sit down on the edge of the bed. I want to touch her so badly, but the events of the previous night are still too fresh in my mind. I don't want to scare her or make her feel uncomfortable. We don't need a repeat performance of last night.

"Alex," I try again. "Get up and get dressed. I want to take you out to lunch. Cragen said I could take an hour. I figured we'd go to our buffet place. I think it's sushi day today."

"I don't want to, Liv. I'm tired."

I frown. "You've got to eat something. I'll make you a sandwich if you want."

"No."

I'm getting frustrated now. "Alex, you can't keep doing this. You can't keeping shutting yourself away like this. You don't care about anything anymore. You –"

She sits up, and the action is so quick and deliberate that I stand up. "Leave me alone, Olivia! I don't want to go out to lunch, I don't want a sandwich, and I don't want you talking to me in that victim tone you use! I don't need your comfort and I don't need your pity. What I need is to be left alone!"

I'm hurting so badly right now that for the first time I really don't know what to say to Alex. Our conversation is usually so easy that I never have to think before I talk to her. Now the wrong words and the wrong tone will send her over the edge in an instant.

"Alex . . ." I try to adjust my tone but the sadness seeps through and I'm sure this is going to make her even angrier. "Please don't keep doing this to me. Please don't ask me to leave you alone. You know I would do anything in the world you asked me to do, but leaving you to suffer alone is beyond my abilities. I can't do it any more, so please don't ask me to."

The anger never leaves Alex's face. She's wearing that no-nonsense, no-compromise expression that I usually find adorable, but right now I hate it.

"I'm not _asking _you to leave me alone, Olivia, I'm _telling _you to. I hit you last night. Did you forget about that?"

"No, but that wasn't your fault, baby. I pushed you when you told me not to. And you didn't hurt me. I'm not mad about that, baby."

Alex's frown deepens. "Don't call me 'baby', Olivia."

"I _always _call you baby."

"I'm not your 'baby' anymore!" She says it so loudly, her voice dripping with venom, that I inadvertently take a step back, blinking in shock. "I'm not _me _any more! Why don't you see that? Are you blind? Or stupid? Or both?"

I close my eyes and wish away the tears that want to come. It kills me that she hates herself so much. "Alex, listen –"

"No, _you _listen! You feel in love with Alex Cabot, but Alex Cabot is dead. She died in that alley."

It breaks my heart to hear her say this. It's in a million pieces, and those million pieces are breaking. Damn, I've never felt pain like this before. This is worse than any physical pain anyone could ever go through.

"I have nothing that makes me 'me' any more. Someone else is doing _my _job, someone else is using _my_ office, I don't care about anything anymore, I don't _feel_ anymore. Can't you see, Olivia?" She pauses a moment and I think she's going to start crying, but she doesn't. "I'm completely soulless."

Now my broken heart has been ripped from my chest and Alex is stomping all over it.

"You're wrong. You're not dead," I manage to choke out, successfully keeping the tears at bay.

Alex shakes her head and lays back down, putting her back to me again. "Yes, I am. Now go, Olivia. Go back to work. Leave me alone."

And I know I have no choice. I leave her.

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

It takes longer that I expected to get my stuff together. I never realized I had so much stuff. I have an excessive amount of clothes and books. I really need to do something about that. Since I'm making changes, it's a good time to start. Then I won't have to worry about taking everything with me.

I have a box I've dedicated to items I want to donate. So far it's half full but growing rapidly. I figure I'll drop it off on my way.

So far I've filled our backpack and both of my gym duffle bags. It's not everything, but I can come back for the rest later.

By the time I've zipped the final bag, I'm crying. I hadn't meant to get so emotional; I thought this would be easier. It's the right thing to do, so it should be easy.

But it isn't. It hurts like hell. This has been my home the past three years, nearly four. This has been where Olivia and I have shared stories and secrets. This has been where Olivia has comforted me and I have comforted her. This has been where Olivia and I made love.

But not anymore.

I have to leave. I can't risk hurting Olivia again. If I lost my temper and hit her once, I might do it again. I can't control myself anymore. I'm a danger to myself, but also to Olivia. The best thing for both of us is to end this.

I'm nearly ready when Olivia gets home. I hear her come in and announce she's home, and I hear her car keys hit the table. I hear her footsteps approaching, and then I hear our bedroom door open.

I turn around to look at Olivia just as she enters. She stops dead in her tracks, her eyes immediately falling to my packed bags. She looks at me with complete horror written all over her face. She probably thinks I'm going to that hotel again.

I'm sitting on the bed, but I stand up quickly. Olivia takes a step toward me, but I hold up my hand to stop her.

"Olivia, don't. Just _don't._"

I see her swallow and she watches me put the backpack on and pick up the duffle bags. They're heavier than I thought, but there's no way I'm asking her to help me.

"Alex, what is going on?" She's not using her victim tone now. Her eyes are still on the bags and her face is pale. She knows.

I have to make a clean break, do this in one motion. I can't hesitate because if I falter I'll never get my nerve back.

I set my face in a stony expression to mask the hurt inside me and say in a strong, determined voice, "I'm breaking up with you, Olivia. It's for the best."

"No, Alex." She's crying already, on the verge of begging. "Please –" Her hand comes out to grab my arm, but I brush her off.

I want to let my own tears fall but I know I can't. I have to show her I'm in charge of my emotions, even though it's only a façade.

I don't speak again until I've reached our bedroom door. Then I offer her only, "Goodbye, Olivia," before I close it behind me and leave our apartment for the last time.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

I force myself to stay calm as Alex walks out the door. I want so desperately to follow her, but I know she won't appreciate it. So I have to do the next best thing and figure out where she's going.

_Abbie_. Abbie's her best friend; it's conceivable that Alex would go there. I have to call her and tell her what happened.

I dial Abbie's phone number with shaking fingers, and she answers on the second ring. "Carmichael."

"Hi, Abbie. It's Olivia."

"Something wrong with Alex?"

I smile slightly at the concern in her voice. Alex has people who care for her, even if she doesn't know it. "Yeah. She left. I think she'll probably come to your place tonight."

"She _left_?"

I sigh. "Long story. You heard what happened?"

"Yeah."

"She called you?"

"No. McCoy told me."

"_McCoy_?"

"He knows we're friends. He just mentioned it – I guess he thought I already knew."

I sigh again. "She's taking it pretty hard."

"I can imagine. Poor Lex."

"If you say that to her, you can expect to be walking with a limp for the next few weeks."

Abbie chuckles. "Yeah, I know. I'll call you if she shows up, all right?"

"Thanks, Abbie." I pause. "Take care of her for me, okay?"

"Of course."

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

I arrive at Abbie's apartment an hour later. I know I should have called first, but I don't think I even knew where I was going until I was at the corner of 83rd Street, eight blocks from our apartment, and hailed a cab.

I'm fairly certain she'll be fine with me crashing on her couch tonight – she's my best friend, after all. But I'm not sure. I can't be sure of anything anymore.

I flash my ADA's badge at the doorman and he lets me in. I take the elevator up to Abbie's apartment and knock on her door.

Abbie opens the door a moment later, as if she's been expecting me. "Come in," she says quietly, holding the door open wider.

I sigh and follow her inside. Dropping my bags at the front door, I flop down on her couch.

Abbie sits down beside me. "What's going on between you and Benson?"

"I don't want to talk, Abbie. Can I just sleep on your couch tonight? I'll be out of here tomorrow; I just need somewhere to stay tonight. I'll start looking for my own place tomorrow."

"Benson's worried about you, Lex. You should give her a call."

I look away from her. "I don't need a lecture. Not from you."

"Alex, I heard what happened."

"_I don't want to talk about it_."

"Yeah, well, you're here now and you're going to listen to what I have to say. I know what you're going through, Lex. I know it's tough. But you're really hurting your girl, and I can't let you do that. You're my best friend, Lex, and I'm happy to have you tonight, but you need Olivia more than you need me right now."

I sigh. "I hit her, Abbie. I punched her in the stomach. She grabbed me and I just – I freaked out. I can't hurt her again."

"Lex, you're hurting her right now."

I shake my head. "Abbie, I'm not going to discuss this with you right now."

"Alex, you remember what happened to me in law school?"

I bite my lip and nod. I remember. I was Abbie's roommate in law school, and I was the first person she told about being raped. I saw what it did to her, and that's when I decided that I wanted to work for SVU. I knew what it was like to watch someone close to me suffer.

"Yeah. And you were there for me. Just like Benson wants to be there for you. You need her now. You may not want to say so, but you do. Just like I needed you."

I shake my head again. "I hurt Olivia. I can't do that to her again."

"Lex, remember how I used to have nightmares? How you used to come and lie down beside me in my bed and stay with me? Remember how one night I was having a dream and I was thrashing around and I hit you?"

"It's not the same –"

"It is, Alex. You got scared and you did something you didn't mean to do. It wasn't your fault. As your best friend, it's my job to set you straight, and you're really screwing things up right now."

"Abbie –" I'm about to tell her to leave me alone, but as soon as I open my mouth, all of the pent-up emotion I've been trying to hold back bursts out of me, and I start to cry. "How did you get better?" I whisper through my tears. "I'm so _broken_. You're not broken."

Abbie hugs me, but it doesn't help much. All it seems to do is reinforce what I've lost. Abbie isn't Olivia. Her arms are too thin, and not as strong as Olivia's. Her presence isn't nearly as solid. I need Olivia. If only I could have her without ever hurting her, and be what she deserves.

"I know you don't like to hear this, but talking to Dr. Hines helped a lot. And of course you helped me. You can get through this, Lex. You've just got to let people in. Let Olivia in. She just wants to help you. You're her girl and she loves you."

I swipe at my tears. "She can't – can't love me."

"Alex, you've got to call her. Just tell her you're with me so she won't worry."

"I can't, Abbie. I'm not as strong as you are. I can't talk to her. I can't go back."

Abbie gives me a squeeze. "Lex, you're plenty strong. You're the strongest person I know."

"Not – not anymore."

She sighs. "All right. I'll make up the couch for you, and I'll give Benson a call, just so she's not going out of her mind worrying about you."

Abbie brings me a blanket and a pillow a few minutes later. I don't ask her about Olivia. I'm just so tired.

"'Night, Lex," Abbie says.

I'm too exhausted to even reply.

I think of Olivia all night.

* * *

><p><em>I'm lying on the couch and reading a book when I hear footsteps approaching and two hands suddenly reach out to cover my eyes. "Liv." I groan. "Come on. I'm reading."<em>

_She removes her hands and lifts the hem of my shirt, starting to tickle my stomach. Her eyes are twinkling as I squirm, giggling like I'm five years old again._

_After a few moments, I raise my hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. Stop it. I surrender."_

_She chuckles and sweeps me into her arms, pressing her lips to mine. I yelp at the unexpected action, but when her lips are on mine, I quickly forget why I was even resisting in the first place. This is just so wonderful._

_Both of us are laughing as she carries me into our bedroom and drops me on the bed, rolling me onto my back and lying down beside me. "I think you're wearing too many clothes, Counselor," she says in mock disapproval._

"_I guess you'll have to rectify that, Detective," I say back, and obediently lift my arms so she can remove my shirt._

_She kisses me again and I melt into her. I love Olivia so much._

* * *

><p>I miss her.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**Alex's POV**

"_Please, no!"_

_He's above me now, straddling me. He laughs, and a lightning bolt shoots across the sky in rhythm to his laugh. Like that's what caused it._

"_Please!" I'm crying now, my face a mess of wetness and shame. Normally I'd be appalled to cry and beg in this manner, but right now I'm willing to do anything to get out of this situation._

_Suddenly he rips off his black ski mask. The laugh comes again, as does the lightning. His face bursts into flames and I can hear the crackling and sizzling of the fire as he lowers his face to mine._

_I start to scream again, but he silences me by roughly kissing me. My lips are burning from the flames and I want to yell out in pain and fear but he's preventing me from doing so. I thrash wildly, desperately trying to break free of him._

_I hear a voice to my left. It's faint but getting closer by the minute. I try to yell out again, but the monster is still kissing me. Burning away more of my lips._

_Unfamiliar laughter floats to my ears. Not the monster's this time. Someone else. A girl's laughter. I turn my head to the left and see a young brunette standing by the dumpster. She's laughing and pointing at me._

"_That girl isn't even fighting back!" She laughs, her hand shaking as she's overcome with fits of laughter. Within seconds she's surrounded by a group of people, all laughing and pointing at me. Their laughter and voices blend together until it's one big chorus, and I have to close my eyes to shut them out._

_The monster removes his lips from mine and the burning pain is gone. I open my eyes just in time to see another flash of lightning as he laughs, and I hear him unzip my pants. He lets out a whooping sound as he does this, and the group of onlookers cheers wildly._

_I'm crying even harder now – in fear and in shame. I look at the group, desperately pleading with them. "Why aren't you helping me? Why are you letting him do this?"_

_They answer in unison. "Because you deserve it, you dirty slut!" It repeats over and over in my head, and I look at them, tears burning in my eyes, until they all melt one by one into the sidewalk._

_The monster has my pants off now. He's massaging my legs, working his way up. He emits sounds of approval the closer he gets. He stops when he reaches my thighs, and his forked tongue shoots out eagerly. I close my eyes as I feel him lick me. _

"_You're the dirtiest slut I've ever seen," he tells me, and then all I feel is pain._

* * *

><p>I sit up quickly, my breath catching in my throat. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can't catch my breath. I'm drenched in sweat.<p>

I put my hand on my chest and try to take several deep breaths, but I can't seem to get any air into my lungs. I'm beyond terrified. "Liv!" I yell, needing her by my side right now.

Where am I? I'm not home in bed. Olivia isn't coming at the sound of my voice, as she always does. I scrutinize my surroundings, but I can't see through the darkness. I call Olivia's name again. She has to be here. She's always with me. She wouldn't leave me, not like this.

Suddenly a voice calls my name. It isn't Olivia's voice, but it's familiar just the same. I hear a click and then light floods the room.

Then everything comes back to me. I'm at Abbie's. I'm on her couch. I left Olivia. I broke up with Olivia. She's not here to comfort me.

"Alex, what's wrong?" Abbie is beside me, her face filled with concern. "You were screaming."

My breathing is slowly returning to normal, but I'm still gripped with panic. God, that was the most realistic, horrible nightmare I've ever had. I can still feel fire on my lips, hear his evil laugh.

I shake my head. "Just a dream."

Abbie frowns and I hate her ability to be able to read me so well. "That was more than a dream, Lex. I thought you were being killed out here."

I'm suddenly very uncomfortable and all I want is Abbie away from me and this interrogation to be over. "It was nothing." I'm a terrible liar. Abbie won't buy that; she's one of the best damn attorneys around, after all.

"Lex, you were calling Olivia's name when I ran in here. You were crying for her."

I look away from Abbie in shame and close my eyes. "I broke up with her, Abbie. I don't need her."

"Yes, you do." Without warning, Abbie gets up from the couch. "I'm going to get my phone and call Olivia. And you're going to talk to her and have her come and get you. You need her to be with you right now."

I let Abbie get only a few steps away before my frantic voice stops her. "No! I can't! I broke up with her. She doesn't want me anymore. She won't care." I look at my watch. "And it's after two a.m."

Abbie spins around so quickly I almost don't see her do it. "That's shit, Alex. Olivia loves you. She called here as soon as you left. She was worried. You broke her heart, but she still loves you. She always will."

I let her walk away this time as I don't trust myself to use my voice any more without crying. And I don't want to cry, not anymore.

I feel wetness between my legs, and to my horror I realized I soiled myself. I let out a cry of shame. God, I'm so pathetic! I wet myself, over a damn nightmare! I probably ruined Abbie's couch. I'm going to have to pay for it to be cleaned. But how am I going to tell her? She'll laugh at me, just like those people in the nightmare.

I don't have time to think about it anymore. Too soon Abbie returns, holding her cell phone out to me. "It's Olivia. Talk."

I take the phone from her and hold it to my ear. "L-Liv?"

"Alex!" There's relief in her voice, but also worry. "Are you okay? Abbie told me what happened."

No, I'm not okay. "It was just a nightmare." I'm trying to be strong, but suddenly all my resolve just melts away. Hearing Olivia's voice breaks me. I need her. I need her holding me, soothing me. I need her to take this pain and shame away. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I need you!" The words slip out before I can stop them.

"Oh, Lexi, it's okay. I'm not mad!" There's a small pause, and then she says, "I'm coming right now to get you, baby."

I bite my trembling bottom lip. "Bring me a change of underwear and some sweats. Please." I don't tell her why and I'm relieved when she doesn't ask.

"Okay. I'll be right there. I love you."

I'm crying too hard to respond, so I just nod, forgetting she can't see me, and hand the phone back to Abbie. Abbie sits down again, sliding her arm around my shaking shoulders. I bury my head in her shoulder and sob.

"Thanks, Olivia. I'll sit with her until you get here." I hear Abbie click her phone off, and then both of her arms are around me. "Shh, it's okay, Lex. It's going to be okay. Olivia is on her way."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry – I ruined your couch, I –"

"Shh, Alex, it's fine. It doesn't matter." She hugs me tightly. "Don't worry about it. Olivia's coming."

"I didn't mean to wake you –"

"Alex, it's okay. You've done this for me enough times. I'm just returning the favor."

"I know you have work in the morning –"

"Lex, stop it. I'm your best friend. I'm here for you. You know that."

I bury my face in her shoulder again and nod.

A few minutes later, I hear a knock on the door and I know it's Olivia. Abbie gets up to answer it, and before I know it, I'm in Olivia's arms, and she's holding me and rubbing my back and telling me she loves me and that she's never going to let me go again. "It's okay now, baby," she says over and over. "I'm here." When she finally releases of me, she hands me a bag which I presume is full of underclothes. "You brought almost everything with you, but I took what was left." I blink at her, and she kisses my forehead. "You go change, sweetie. I'm going to talk to Abbie for a few minutes, okay?"

I nod and go into the washroom to change, my cheeks flaming. I haven't done this in years. I'm so ashamed.

When I come out after I've changed, Olivia and Abbie are sitting at the kitchen table and look up at me when I enter the room. Olivia gets to her feet and holds her hand out to me. "Ready to go home, baby?"

I nod mutely and take her hand. She has the bags I brought draped over her shoulders and she gives my hand a squeeze as she leads me out of Abbie's apartment.

I fall asleep in the car, and when Olivia wakes me, we're home. She kisses my forehead and unbuckles my seatbelt for me, then helps me out of the car. She wraps an arm around my shoulder and we walk together up to our apartment.

Olivia drops my bags at the front door and leads me to the bedroom. I lay down on the bed, too exhausted to do anything else. Olivia gently removes my shoes and socks and tucks me under the covers. "'Night, baby," she says quietly. "I'll be in the living room if you need me."

I stop her as she turns to go. I don't want to be alone right now. I need her. "Liv, stay with me. Please."

She gives me a smile and lies down on the bed beside me. "Can I hold you?"

I think for a moment, then nod. I really do want to be in her arms right now.

Olivia takes me into her arms, and I fall asleep safe and secure in her embrace.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

When I wake up in the morning, I'm determined to talk to Alex. She's going to come to see a therapist if I have to drag her there kicking and screaming.

She's still asleep, poor baby. Her body is probably worn out from last night. I can't stop myself from reaching my hand out to caress her cheek, and the warmth of her soft skin comforts me. She looks so peaceful in sleep. I wish it could be like that all the time for her.

I go into the kitchen and start to prepare breakfast. Alex has been skipping meals recently, and today all of that ends. Today I'm going to get Alex the help she needs and make sure she takes care of herself. I love her too much to let her destroy herself like this.

Alex wanders into the kitchen while I'm locating the ingredients for a parfait. We don't seem to have any strawberries in the house, so I make a note to go shopping later. "Alex," I say when I hear her footsteps approaching, with no preamble, "we have to talk."

I expect her to argue with me, but I'm surprised when she says, "Okay."

I nod. "Let's go into the living room."

Alex sits down beside me on the couch. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"Alex, we need to get some help. Both of us."

"I am _not _going to see a shrink, Olivia."

"Alex, you don't have a choice. I will drag you there kicking and screaming if I have to. This is something you've got to do. I'll stay with you if you need me to, but you've got to talk to someone. Olivet gave me the phone number for a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma –"

"I don't need a _psychiatrist_! Liv, I'm not crazy!"

"No one's saying you are, Alex. But you know that when someone goes through a trauma like the one you went through, that person needs to talk to a professional to help them feel better."

"Don't patronize me, Olivia."

"Baby, I'm not. I'm really not. But you need someone to talk to. You need _help_, Alex, and there's no shame in that. We're going to call Dr. Allen and make an appointment for you."

Alex looks away. "I don't want to."

"Why, Alex? Why are you so against this?"

Alex doesn't answer.

I decide to play my trump card, since she's given me no other option. "Sweetheart, it really hurts me to see you like this. I hate feeling so helpless, like there's nothing I can do to make things better for you. I know you're in pain and all I want is for it to stop. But you and I can't make it stop on our own. We need someone to help us. Both of us. Baby, please, I'm begging you – just go once. I'll come with you if you like, and we can try it out. If you don't like the doctor, you never have to go again, but please, this is killing me to watch you suffer. Please do this for me."

Alex looks up at me with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, Liv. I know I'm hurting you. I just – I'm scared."

I exhale, glad she seems to be opening up to me. "What are you scared of, sweetheart?"

"That I just won't be able to get better. Talking about it just seems like – like –"

"Admitting it happened?"

Alex nods.

"But it did happen, baby."

"I know. But what if – what if Dr. Allen can't help me? What if I'm just too damaged?"

I lift Alex's chin so she's looking right into my eyes. "Why don't we give her a chance before we pass judgment on what she can and can't do?"

Alex lays her head in my lap, and I start to stroke her hair. "I'm sorry, Olivia," she says quietly.

"Lexi, this isn't your fault."

I see tears in her eyes as she looks back up at me. "I'm hurting you," she says, her face crumpling. "Why can't things just go back to the way they were?"

All I can do is hold her. Things can't and never will be the same as they once were.

* * *

><p>I give Dr. Allen a call and set Alex up and appointment for tomorrow. Apparently, Olivet called her and she pushed us to the front of the list.<p>

Just before her appointment, Alex is a bundle of nerves. She can't sit still, instead racing around the apartment, organizing things. It's what she does when she's anxious, and she ignores me when I try to calm her.

When it's time to go, I notice that Alex is trembling. I don't comment on it, but I wrap an arm around her shoulders and give her a squeeze to let her know I'm here.

We're sitting in the waiting room of the psychiatrist's office a few minutes before her appointment. Alex is tapping her foot and twirling a strand of hair around the hand that isn't holding mine. Her hand is cold and clammy, but I don't let go. I know she needs me right now.

A tall woman with dark hair and square framed glasses steps out of her office several moments later. "Alex Cabot?" she says, and Alex nods. The woman gives her a smile. "I'm Claire Allen. It's nice to meet you, Alex."

Alex is silent for a moment, then ventures, "This is Olivia."

Dr. Allen smiles at me. "Hi, Olivia. It's nice to meet you, too." She looks at Alex. "Would you like Olivia to come in with us today?"

Alex nods.

"All right. Come on, then."

I help Alex to her feet and we follow Dr. Allen into her office. It's much more spacious than I expected, particularly for New York City. There are two separate areas, one with two couches and an armchair and one with a table as well as a couch.

Alex sits down on the couch beside me, and Dr. Allen sits across from us. She smiles at us. "So, Alex," she says, "I already know a bit about you from Dr. Olivet, but I'd really like to get to know you better. What can you tell me about yourself?"

Alex hesitates. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"Tell me about the things you like, the things you don't like, the things that are important to you . . ."

"Olivia," Alex says, and I smile and give her hand a squeeze.

Dr. Allen nods for Alex to continue, but she doesn't. "Okay, then how about you tell me a little bit about why you're here?"

Alex regards her coldly. "You know why I'm here."

"I do know what happened to you, but why don't you tell me what you think I can do for you?"

Alex shrugs.

"How have you been feeling since the attack?"

"How do you _think _I've been feeling?"

"Anxious, distrustful, guilty, dirty, afraid, like there's something different about you, like there's something wrong with you – there isn't Alex. The only thing that's wrong here is what happened to you, and the person who did it to you."

"I know. I work with rape victims every day. I've told them all the same things."

Dr. Allen nods. "Have you been having any trouble eating or sleeping? Nightmares?"

Alex looks away and doesn't answer.

After a moment, Dr. Allen says, "You know that's normal, Alex. It's very normal for people who have experienced trauma to be affected by it, and sometimes that manifests itself in eating and sleeping habits."

Alex looks at her, her eyes blazing. "I don't need you to patronize me! I _wet the bed _the other night! I haven't done that since I was six." Then she starts to cry, and I wrap my arms around her, trying to shelter her from herself and her own pain.

Dr. Allen hesitates. "And how do you feel about that?"

"Everything you said, but you don't understand – there _is _something wrong with me! I hurt Olivia. I was having a nightmare and I hit her. I'm sorry, Liv, I'm sorry – there _is _something wrong with me, I've become this awful person!"

"No, you haven't, baby. That isn't true," I tell her. "I know that wasn't your fault."

"Olivia's right, Alex. That wasn't your fault," Dr. Allen says.

"But you said that's why I had to come here – because I was hurting you. I don't want to hurt you, Liv. That's why I tried to leave. I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I love you."

"I know you do, baby. I love you, too." I hug her tighter, as if holding her close to me can protect her from anything that might do her harm.

Dr. Allen watches us without saying anything for several minutes. Then she says, "Alex, you know that Olivia loves you." Alex nods. "So why is it so difficult for you to let her be there for you?"

Alex buries her face in my shoulder. "I don't know," she whispers.

I rub soothing circles into her back as I feel my shirt get damp with tears. "Shh, it's okay, baby. It's okay."

She sits up after a few moments and rubs her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"What are your nightmares about, Alex?" Dr. Allen asks.

She shakes her head. "I don't want to talk about them."

"I know it's hard to talk about, Alex, but it's very important for you to be honest with me."

"Can we – can we save that topic until next week?"

Dr. Allen sighs. "Okay, Alex. Our time is almost up anyway. I'll see you next week, same time, all right?"

As we walk back down to the car, I give Alex a smile. "I'm proud of you, Alex, you know that?"

She squeezes my hand and smiles back.


	10. Chapter 10

**Alex's POV**

I can do this. I am professional and rational enough to do this. I can remain calm and not lose my temper. I have to remain calm. Olivet won't ever clear me for work if I blow my top today.

I'm on my way to the ADA's office – or, I should say, my office. About this time of afternoon I'd be about to take my lunch with Olivia. I'd have received a text from her by now inquiring as to where I wanted to go, and I'd be anxiously awaiting her arrival to meet me. I'd give her a quick kiss before we left my office and over lunch we'd discuss anything but our current cases. Olivia and I have a strict non-work rule about lunch conversation.

Damn it, why did this all have to happen? Why can't Olivia and I return to the normalcy of our lives before this all happened? Why is it so difficult to get back there?

I got the phone call this morning while I was still in bed. From Casey Novak, of all people. She seemed surprised when I answered. I guess after our first less than civil meeting in front of the elevators outside the DA's office she was hoping to bypass me and leave me a message. I was civil to her on the phone; not polite, but civil. She asked me to come in this afternoon to discuss my rape case. Well, she didn't use the word "rape", but we both know what it's about.

I've been trying to overcome my bitterness towards Casey by telling myself that she's only filling in, the way I did early in my career when another ADA would take leave. It's not her fault she was asked, so I should try to keep that in mind and be as nice and receptive as I can. Besides, Olivia says she's doing a decent job as ADA.

"Are you nervous?"

Olivia's voice from the driver's seat startles me from my thoughts. I'm leaning against the window with my forehead, and I'm surprised to see we're almost at the office. I had been too lost in my thoughts to notice.

"I am. A little," I confess. No use in trying to pretend I'm not; Olivia knows me better than that.

"Well, you've been through so many of these meetings. You're going to ace it."

"Yeah, I've been through many of these meetings as the ADA, not the victim. It's not exactly the same thing."

A shudder goes through me as I use the word "victim" to describe myself. No matter how many times I say it, I'll never get used to that word being in reference to me.

"You'll do fine, Alex. Just keep calm and remember that Casey is doing her job just like you have to. Don't get angry."

I frown at her words. "No, she's doing _my_ job," I say.

"Alex –"

"No, Liv, I should be prosecuting this case!" I'm getting worked up already and we're not even there yet.

"Alex, they would never let you." Olivia's tone is soft and reassuring but it's doing little to calm me.

"That isn't what I mean. I mean I should be prosecuting someone else's case. This shouldn't be mine. It shouldn't have been me."

That's such a selfish thing to say. I don't wish what happened to me on anyone, so why would I say that?

Olivia wastes no time giving an answer. She takes one hand off the steering wheel and takes my hand. She gives it a squeeze. "I agree with that, baby. It should have been someone else."

Neither of us says anything else about it. We both know we shouldn't be talking this way, given what we see every day on the job.

But your outlook on everything changes when you become a victim.

Too soon we have left the safety of our car and we step off the elevator and I'm walking down the all-too familiar hall towards my office. Olivia and I are hand-in-hand. Normally I'd be appalled at such a public display in my work place, but right now I don't care at all. The comfort feels nice.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Olivia asks as we approach my office.

"No. You're not supposed to. I'm sure it would be okay since I am who I am, but I want to do this right and by the book. I don't want any special favors." We stop in front of the closed door and I turn towards Liv and give her hand another squeeze. "So would you mind waiting in the reception area for me?"

Olivia smiles at me. She reaches out and brushes my cheek with her thumb, them gives me a light kiss. "Of course, baby. I'm so proud of you. You know where I'll be if you need me."

As I watch Olivia walk away a million emotions rush through me. I wish I could go with her. I wish I could get out of here. I wish I could go back to my bed and never leave, shut out reality forever.

But life doesn't work that way.

Reluctantly I turn towards the closed door again. I stare at the name on the front – "A. Cabot". Seeing those words so prominently displayed whenever I'd approach my door used to fill me with such pride. Now it just makes me feel ashamed.

Am I supposed to knock, or just go in? It's my office – why should I feel so out of place and awkward?

But if Casey is busy I don't want to just barge in, so I hesitantly raise my fist and knock on the door. It feels so foreign to me. This is something I never thought I'd be doing.

It takes her a few minutes to open the door. She was probably on the phone or maybe I'm interrupting a meeting. If that's the case I'd love to get out here.

Casey smiles at me unsurely, no doubt remembering our last encounter. I feel a bit bad about that. Maybe I should apologize. That would be the right thing to do. May as well go into this on the right track.

Casey holds the door open for me. "Thanks for coming by. Come on in."

She sounds just as awkward and unsure about inviting me into my office as I feel. I step inside without saying a word.

Immediately I want to turn around and leave. This is my office. My office, where I haven't been in weeks. My office, where I have spent countless hours pouring over cases. My office, with my plaques and photographs. My office . . . where I now feel like an outsider.

There's an open case file on the desk and I briefly look at the name on the corner. It's not my case file. It's not one I recognize. Must be a new case. A new case that I should be handling.

Casey hesitantly tells me to take a seat and I sit down in the chair in front of my desk. It feels so strange to be sitting here seeing someone else sit behind my desk. I can't even find the words to accurately description how it feels.

Then I notice it. My nameplate that sits so elegantly and proudly on my desk is gone. Instead, I'm looking at an identical one that says, 'ADA Casey Novak.'

What the hell is going on here? I'm immediately filled with anger.

Casey sees me looking at it and quickly says, "I'm sorry. I brought it from my office. I just didn't want anyone to mistake me for you."

_Like that's ever going to happen,_ I think bitterly. _You're flattering yourself._

_Calm down, Alex; you would probably do the same thing. It's okay; it's not like she changed the name on the door. It's easily replaceable. Tone it down a notch._

I plaster a smile on my face and swallow my pride. "I want to say I'm sorry for that little…encounter by the elevators the other day. I was being rude. That's not normally me, and I'm sorry. It was just a rough day for me."

There. That wasn't so hard. I was the one who extended the olive branch. Good for me. I get a gold star for the day.

Casey looks a bit relieved at my words and the gentle tone I used to utter them. She smiles again. "It's okay. It's completely understandable, and I know how hard it was for you to come here today, so thank you very much for agreeing."

This is going well. I haven't leapt across the desk, strangled her and taken back my rightful spot in my chair yet. I can do this. I'm strong enough to do this.

Casey gets up and approaches my file cabinet and I watch her dig around for the file she's looking for. I find myself frowning; I hope she hasn't messed up my system too much. I have my filing just the way I like it.

When she returns again I see she has my case file this time. The frown returns. When I'm expecting a witness or victim, I make sure to have the relevant file ready to go. It's unprofessional to have to go digging for it and waste your witness or victim's time.

But I bite my tongue and say nothing about it.

"So how are you doing?" she asks me as sits back down and opens the file.

I feel myself stiffen. I don't like this. It's not an appropriate question. I'm well aware that she was probably asking out of respect, but we have no relationship outside of this case and as ADA she should know not to try and make it personal.

I close my eyes and tell her, "I'm sorry, but I really just want to discuss this case and go home, so can we do it quickly, please? Ask me only what you need to ask me and nothing more. I'm not here to make a friend and this isn't a therapy session."

So much for being polite, Alex.

Casey seems a bit surprised but to my relief doesn't attempt any more lame small talk. Instead she reads over something in the file – mostly likely only to avoid my icy gaze. I'm really giving it to her. I'm surprised she hasn't turned to stone yet.

"So you identified Corey Jenner in the lineup you viewed, and you were very certain."

"Yes, I remember. And yes, I was certain it was him. He had approached me in the bar earlier that night. Told me his name. Came onto me."

"But you told Elliot he had a ski mask on."

I frown. In a situation like this, it should be 'Detective Stabler', not 'Elliot'. You don't make anything personal. Where did this woman get her training?

I try to keep my answer as civil as possible. "He did. When he attacked me."

As soon as I say the word "attacked me" a sudden memory comes flooding back. I'm on my back in the alley and he's above me. He's in complete control.

"Then how do you know it was him?"

I hear her ask me this and I have the response at the tip of my tongue, but I can't make it come out. I can see him again, smell him again. I grip the armrests of the chair so hard my knuckles are turning white. I take a deep breath to try to calm myself.

"Alex? Are you okay?"

At the sound of my name I snap back into the now, leaving that alley and the sounds and smells of it behind. I'm back in the chair in front of my desk again, looking once more at the woman who just called me by my name casually.

I quickly stand, overcome with anger. "It's 'Miss Cabot', not Alex! You don't know me, we're not friends, and in a professional setting like this it's appropriate to call me Miss Cabot. If you don't have the proper respect for me than I'm not going to continue."

Casey seems taken aback and quickly apologizes. "I'm sorry, Miss Cabot. You're right. I thought it would make it a bit easier for you –"

"I don't need you to make it easier for me!" I'm shouting now, my intentions to be civil and polite completely abandoned.

"I'm sorry. Please sit down. I didn't mean to upset you."

I feel my heartbeat returning to normal and myself calming down gradually. I stay standing for a few more minutes before I sit back down.

I didn't mean to lose it like that. I shouldn't have lost it. She's going to tell Olivet and this is going to make things worse.

Casey eyes me suspiciously, as if she doesn't trust me not to blow up again. When she's finally satisfied I'm stable for the moment, she asks, "Can you tell me what happened?"

And that's when I lose it again. No, I can't tell her what happened. I can't tell Dr. Allen, or Olivet, or even the person I love the most in this world. So why would she think I could tell her?

I stand again. "No. You have it all in the statement. I don't need to repeat it." I'm shaking now. I'm so upset and angry. I just want this done and over with.

Casey looks regretful. "You know you have to tell me. I'm sorry. Elliot's report –"

"Detective Stabler's report! Not Elliot! You don't call him Elliot!" I'm yelling so loudly now that I'm surprised there isn't a group of onlookers outside the office.

"Miss Cabot, please calm down –"

But I don't stop. "You think just because you're doing my job that you're one of the gang now? Do you call Olivia 'Liv' too? You haven't earned the right to do that!"

I'm hurting myself here and I know it but I can't stop myself. I'm uncomfortable in this setting and I'm stressed and this is too much right now.

"You need to be re-trained. I'm not talking to you. I'll see to it that another ADA gets this case."

I turn around to leave when Casey stops me by reaching for my wrist. She doesn't touch me but comes close to it and that's all it takes to push me even further over the edge.

"Don't you touch me!" I'm breathing heavily now and I feel light-headed, like I'm going to pass out. I know I'm getting much too worked up and even on the verge of acting crazy, but I can't seem to control myself. And this terrifies me.

Casey starts to say something else, but I cut her off by quickly picking up a metal statue I keep on my desk. In one motion I throw it as hard as I can against the glass on the door. The glass immediately shatters and I hear it rain down on the floor below.

I run out of the office. My heart is beating a million miles per hour as I walk quickly down the hall. I'm in disbelief over what I have just done. I overreacted to the fullest extent of the word. I acted like a crazy person. There is no way in hell that Olivet will clear me to return to work any time soon; I just guaranteed myself that.

Less than ten minutes later I find myself in Liz Donnelly's office. I had told her secretary that it was extremely urgent and couldn't wait. And reading the desperation – almost panic – on my face, she had immediately let me go into Liz's office.

"Alexandra, is everything all right?" Liz rises from behind her desk as soon as I enter. A look of concern falls over her face.

I remain in front of her door and shake my head. I can feel my heart rate decreasing, and my breathing is slowly normalizing.

Liz approaches me, but I stop her by holding up my hand. I know she's no doubt heard about my attack and is concerned, but her concern is something I can't deal with right now. I want to get this done and over with quickly. I have had enough for today.

"I want you to be the ADA handling my case," I blurt out, not offering an explanation as to why.

"Casey Novak is filling in for you and has already been assigned the case."

I shake my head. "I – I can't talk to her."

Liz looks me at me for a good long moment before she asks tentatively, "Why?"

I can't get into this right now. I just need Liz to agree to take the case. "Liz, please. Take the case."

"I'll have to hear a good reason, Alexandra."

Why is she making this so difficult for me?

"I'm more comfortable with you. I know you. I – I can't talk about what happened to me with a total stranger. And I trust you, Liz. I trust you to handle the case appropriately." I feel like I'm going to burst into tears, but I manage to hold them back. "Everything has been so hard, but if you could do this, it would make this so much easier for me. Please." I'm practically begging now. I never beg.

After a moment of careful consideration, Liz relents. "Fine, Alexandra. I'll have the case transferred to me."

I let out a deep breath. "Thank you, Liz. I appreciate it."

She regards me with concern, and speaks in a soft, gentle voice that I've never heard her use before. "How are you holding up, Alexandra?"

Immediately, my anger returns. Liz doesn't need to treat me like a child – I'm an adult and I'm perfectly fine! I almost tell her so, but I bite my tongue. Liz is my boss, and she's just agreed to violate protocol and do me a huge favor. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize either my job or my trial.

"I'm all right," I say instead.

Liz nods. "I think Detective Benson is waiting for you in the reception area. I'll talk to Casey and give you a call."

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

I wait for nearly an hour before Alex comes into the reception area. She would appear as calm and composed as ever to an outside observer, but I know her too well. I notice the slight shaking of her hands and the resignation in her deep blue eyes.

I get to my feet and hold my hand out to Alex. "You ready to go, baby?"

To my surprise, she throws her arms around me and buries her face in the crook of my neck. I freeze for a moment, but then I hug her back, gently stroking her hair. Alex isn't usually one for public displays of affection, but she seems to need me right now and I'm happy to oblige her.

I hold her for several long moments until she pulls back and looks up at me. "Liz is taking my case."

I nod. I don't ask why – I know she'll tell me in her own time if she wants me to know. "You want to go home or you want to get something to eat?"

She shakes her head. "No; let's just go home. I'll make you something for lunch if you're hungry."

I kiss the crown of her head and take her hand. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

><p>When we get home, I start a fire in the grate and locate a bunch of blankets. I hope that cuddling in front of the fireplace will help Alex relax. Although she would never admit it to anyone, I know she's a big softy at heart, and she loves snuggling with me.<p>

She's standing in the doorway, looking a bit unsure until I beckon her to join me. Then she comes to sit beside me and she lets me wrap my arms around her. She exhales deeply and I feel her body relax into me, and I smile slightly, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. We sit like that for a moment, and then I gently pull Alex so she's lying down instead of sitting up. She immediately rests her head on my chest and I pull the blanket over us.

Her eyes are fixed on the flames dancing in the grate for several minutes. "He took something from me," she says, so softly that I wonder if she meant to speak aloud. "Something I'll never get back."

I hug her more tightly, wishing with all my heart that I could protect my Alex from all of this. "I know, baby," I say, my heart heavy with her pain.

She looks at me, and I'm surprised to find her eyes are glassy with tears. "I want it back, Liv. I want to feel safe again. I want to feel _whole_."

There are a million things I want to say to her. That she's safe with me, that things will get better with time, that I'm here for her no matter what. But none of them seem right. So I just kiss her forehead, my own eyes wet with tears. "I know, Lexi," I say again. "I know."

* * *

><p>Alex falls asleep in my arms, and I hold her for hours, pressing kisses to her cheeks and hair and forehead and anywhere I can reach. It's not even dinnertime yet, but she's clearly exhausted, poor baby.<p>

I feel my phone start to vibrate in my pocket around 5:00 and disentangle myself from Alex, not wanting to wake her when I answer my phone. Alex whimpers when I let go of her, but I carefully lower her head to the ground so she doesn't bang it and hurt herself, and she relaxes after a few seconds.

I answer the phone with a quiet "Benson," and pad out of the living room so I can talk to whoever it is without waking Alex.

"Detective Benson, it's Donnelly."

"Oh, hi, Liz."

"How's Alexandra doing?" she asks.

I glance at the sleeping form in the living room, buried beneath several blankets and looking at peace, for once, in her slumber. "She's all right, considering. She told me you're handling her case?"

"I am. Did she happen to mention why she asked me to handle her case?"

"No. She didn't say anything. I didn't ask." I can tell by Liz's tone that I probably should have. Some detective I am.

"I spoke to Novak. She says Alex had a bit of a meltdown while they were talking, which is why Alex asked me to take the case."

"What happened?"

"She got pretty upset and threw a glass statue against the door."

I can't believe this. "_Alex_?"

"That was my reaction, too. But evidently something happened to set her off. I just wanted to see if she was doing all right."

I look at Alex again. "I'll talk to her. Thank you for telling me, Liz."

There's a long pause. "Take care of her, Olivia," Liz says in a soft, almost gentle tone I've never heard her use before.

"I will."

Just as suddenly, Liz switches back into lawyer mode. "I'll give Alex a call over the next few days. She's going to need to come in to discuss the case with me."

"Okay. I'll tell her."

When Liz hangs up, I go back into the living room and knit my brows in concern when I see Alex tossing and turning slightly, her body trembling, whimpers slipping from her lips every few seconds.

I'm beside her in an instant, wrapping Alex up in my arms and holding her tightly. "It's okay, baby," I say quietly, kissing the crown of her head. "You're okay. I'm here."

She starts awake and looks up at me. "Liv?"

"Yeah, baby. I'm here."

She wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my shoulder.

I gently stroke her hair. "Alex, what happened with Casey?" I ask after several minutes.

Alex stiffens. "Who told you about that?"

"Liz."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Sweetie, I'm worried about you. I know something happened and I know it really upset you. I'm here for you, baby. Please, talk to me."

She shakes her head. "I can't, Liv," she whispers. "I'm sorry."

"Did Casey do something?"

"She's just – she's just unprofessional. It bothered me. I overreacted." She hesitates. "Was Liz upset?"

"No, baby. She's just worried about you, too. She wanted to make sure you were all right."

Alex sighs. "I'll give her a call later."

I can tell she doesn't want to discuss this further, so I change tactics. "Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

"No, I'm not hungry."

"Do you want me to put on a movie?"

She shakes her head again. "No. Just – just stay here. Please." She pauses and looks away. "Will you just hold me?"

I hug her tightly. "Of course. I love you, sweetie."

A tear slips down her cheek and I brush it away. "I love you, too," she whispers, and then suddenly her tears are falling more freely.

I kiss her cheeks. "Shh, shh," I say, trying to calm her. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm here. You're safe." I can feel her heart pounding against my own chest, and I wish once more than I could take this pain for her and bear it myself. I just love her so much.

Alex wipes her eyes. "I'm s-sorry."

"No, baby. Don't be sorry."

Alex burrows into my chest. "This isn't me," she says, her voice muffled. "I just want me back, Liv. Is that too much to ask?"


	11. Chapter 11

**Alex's POV**

"What would you like to talk about today, Alex?"

I hear Dr. Allen's question but I don't answer her right away. I don't know how to put it into words without her thinking I'm just another crazy sitting on her couch. I look at Olivia sitting next to me and she smiles reassuringly and squeezes my hand.

That gives me the strength I need. Dr. Allen is awaiting my response and I only have twenty minutes left in my session so I know I had better start talking. I force myself to make eye contact with Dr. Allen and say, "I don't feel like myself anymore. I can't control anything – my anger, my emotions, my words – nothing. It's like he turned me into a robot that's programmed to assassinate the person I used to be and turn me into this empty shell."

And that's exactly how I feel – like an empty shell. I know I'm still there, deep down inside, but I'm trapped under so many layers of iron and rock that it will take a million years to break through to me; if even then.

"It's normal to feel that way after a traumatic event has taken place. And an inability to control your emotions is an understandable side effect. You feel no one understands and you don't understand yourself so you act out in ways you normally wouldn't in order to deal with your situation."

That's exactly how I feel. I find myself nodding in agreement. "I did something that a month ago I never would have done."

"May I ask what that was?"

I know it's her job to probe and get into my head, but I don't like it. This is difficult enough for me to talk about without Dr. Allen forcing me into a corner. "I told you I did something – isn't that enough?"

"I would really like you to tell me what it was."

I look at Olivia. I almost wish she'd blurt it out so I don't have to. But she doesn't. She just sits there like the wonderful and supportive girlfriend she is, giving me a kind smile and rubbing her thumb over the top of my hand slowly and gently.

"I had to talk to the ADA who's taken over my job while I'm . . . off. Her name is Casey. About my case; about what happened to me. She needed to go over my testimony with me and work out some other details. It's pretty standard; it's what you have to do for all . . ." I can't bring myself to say it. If I say it, it's going to make it so.

Dr. Allen finishes for me. "For all victims?"

I close my eyes and nod. I hate that word so much, especially when it's applied to me. I feel tears pricking at my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I have to get through this without breaking down.

This is the first time Olivia is going to hear me speaking of this. I refused to talk about it in front of her. I was too ashamed of what I'd done.

"It was really hard for me – being back in _my _office talking to the person who was doing _my_ job. I've never had to have anyone cover for me. I've gone to work with high temperatures and when I was vomiting. Nothing has stopped me."

"It's understandable you have to be off right now, Alex. You're not ready to go back to work."

"But I _want _to. I want the distraction. I want my mind on something other than – than – what happened. I want to return to some type of normalcy."

"That will happen when it's supposed to. When you're ready." Dr. Allen pauses. "Alex, can you tell me what happened when you went to talk to Casey?"

I take a deep breath. Olivia is going to know now. She's going to know that I went totally out of my mind and it was brought on by nothing.

"We were talking, and everything Casey was saying and doing grabbed me in the wrong way. She didn't have my stuff where it normally is, my nameplate wasn't on my desk, and she kept calling me 'Alex' instead of 'Miss Cabot'. You're supposed to be proper in these types of meetings. But I overreacted. I think I went in looking for faults, because it was someone else doing my job for me. No one's work style is the same, and I think she was only calling me Alex to make me feel more relaxed, but it didn't work. Then she started calling Elliot by his first name too and that's when I lost it. I got up and told her I was leaving. I was angry and upset and Casey could tell. She reached for my arm and I lost it even further. I screamed at her and when she tried to reason with me, I picked up a statue from my desk and threw it through the glass window on the door of my office."

After I've finished I venture a glance at Olivia. She looks so compassionate, and not at all disappointed or angry with me. I thought for sure I would see surprise or embarrassment written across her face instead of how she looks right now.

"That was an understandably hard spot for you to be in. I can assure you feeling the way you did was perfectly normal."

I scoff at Dr. Allen's words. "Throwing a statue against glass was a _normal _reaction?"

"Feeling the way you did was normal considering where you are right now. That wouldn't have been easy for anyone in your place. Everyone reacts differently, Alex, and that was what you chose to do you release your anger. I'm not saying it was right or you should do it again – what I am saying is that it was a justifiable action and in no way means you're crazy."

Justifiable action? Really? That's what she's choosing to call it?

I look at the top of the coffee table in front of the couch and say, "I just don't know how to deal anymore. I can't keep going on like this. If I'm not me anymore, it isn't worth living."

I see Olivia visibly stiffen at my words, and for an instant I feel bad. I know she misunderstood what I said.

And Dr. Allen took it in the wrong context too. "Alex, have you ever thought about hurting yourself?"

Both of their eyes are on me, studying me carefully, stripping me down until my soul is bare. I feel myself starting to panic. My heart is thudding rapidly in my chest and my breathing has become erratic.

I have never thought about hurting myself in the way they are thinking. I would _never_. How can Olivia look at me that way? How can she think for even a minute that I would do something like that?

I can't understand why I suddenly feel so uncomfortable. Why that one question has ignited such feelings in me. I force myself to remain calm and I say quietly, "No. I would never do that."

My voice sounds unconvincing, even to myself. I catch the worried expression on Olivia's face, and it feels like someone stabbed me in the heart. God, why is this so hard? I told the truth – I would never do that!

Dr. Allen gets up and picks up a prescription pad from on her desk. She starts writing and I know what she's doing before she even tells me. "I'm giving you a prescription for a mild anti-depressant, Paxil. Just take one a day for now, in the morning. I want you to start right away and when I see you next week we'll see how you're coming along. Sometimes it takes a few weeks for it to stabilize, and we may have to change your dosage or your medication. We'll just see how it goes. Call my office if you experience any side-effects."

She tears the sheet off her pad and holds it out to me. But I don't take it. Instead, I glare angrily at her.

"I don't need pills! I _won't _take them."

Olivia takes the paper from Dr. Allen and looks at me. "I'll see that she does; thank you."

"I am _not_ taking them, Olivia!"

That pretty much wraps up our session. I have five minutes, but when I stand and start pacing back in forth in front of the couch, Olivia and Dr. Allen get the hint that I'm finished.

Dr. Allen tells me I did well today – whatever. I barely look at her as we make our way out of her office and wait for the receptionist to give me my appointment card for next week. I don't even look at it – I don't care what day and time it's for. I probably won't go anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

As soon as I pull into the parking lot of the pharmacy, Alex realizes my plan and immediately objects in that forceful lawyer tone she has.

"Olivia! You are _not _getting those pills filled!"

I just shake my head at her and turn the car off. "Yes, I _am_. You're going to do this, Alex. You have to. You need to start getting better. And if a pill is what it takes for that to happen, then you're going to take it."

Alex crosses her arms in front of her chest and glares at me. "Fine; get them filled. You can't make me take them. What are you going to do, handcuff me to the headboard and force them down my throat?"

I sigh heavily. I expected this opposition from her. She's right – I can't force her to take them. But I have to figure out a way to convince her.

I switch tactics and lean over to kiss her forehead. "Do you want me to get you something? A Twix bar, a pack of gum? Maybe some more lip gloss?"

She shakes her head, still glowering at me.

I give her another kiss. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

I run into the drugstore, and while they're filling her prescription, I wander around for a moment, looking for something that might brighten Alex's mood. I come upon a blank card with a rose on it and decide to buy that for her, and her favourite Twix bar, even though she said she didn't want it. I purchase the card and write out a note on the inside.

_Alex,_

_You are so special. You are the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I have ever known, and I love you very much. You are my rose._

_Love always,_

_Liv_

I hope it will make her smile.

I go out to the car with the pills, the card, and the chocolate bar. The pills are in my coat pocket; I don't want to flaunt them in Alex's face. I'll cross this bridge when I get to it.

When I knock on Alex's window, I'm shocked to find her crying. I immediately open the passenger door and wrap her up in my arms. "It's okay, sweetie," I tell her, kissing her hair and holding her close. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here."

She buries her face in my shoulder for a few minutes and doesn't sit back up until she's composed herself again. "I'm sorry, Olivia," she says quietly. "I know you think I'm just being difficult, that I don't want to help myself –"

"Alex, I don't think that at all –"

She shakes her head. "I just – I wish I didn't need _pills _to make me feel better. I just don't know how this happened." I try to hold her again, but she pushes me away. "I never used to be like this, Liv."

I don't know what to tell her. I just wish I could fix all of this. I wish I could bring her back in time, to before all this happened. I love her so much, and all I want is to make things better for her. "I got you something," I say after a few minutes, abandoning my quest for the right words. I hand her the card and the chocolate bar. "I love you, baby."

Alex gives me a watery smile as she opens the card. She inhales deeply for a moment and then lets out her breath as she reads it. Then she throws her arms around me and hugs me tightly. "Thank you," she whispers.

I give her a kiss and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "You are, you know."

She smiles up at me. "I don't know, Liv. I think you're a lot better for me than any pill."

I laugh and give her a squeeze. "Oh, you charmer, you."

She bats her eyelashes at me. "It's because I want something," she says in a stage whisper.

I chuckle. "Oh? What is it that you want?"

She gives me her most angelic smile. "A kiss."

"Always." I lean forward to merge my lips with hers, and I smile at the way she melts into me. Her lips are so soft and sweet, and I'm overjoyed that she's letting me kiss her like this again. I've missed it.

* * *

><p>When we get home, Alex tells me she wants to play chess. I give her an odd look; we haven't played a board game in months, but I agree anyway and tell her to go set it up.<p>

I go into the kitchen and check the messages on our phone. There's one from Elliot, inviting us over to his house for dinner this weekend, and there's one from Abbie, asking Alex to call her back.

I give Abbie a call myself. Alex needs a friend right now. I'm here for her, but it scares me to think that I might not be enough. Alex needs someone who knows what she's going through, and Abbie does.

"Carmichael."

"Hi, Abbie. It's Olivia."

"How's Lex doing?" she asks.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "Not too well. She had a bit of a meltdown the other day with Casey Novak, and –" I swallow hard, unsure if I should even mention this. "Abbie, I'm scared she's going to hurt herself."

"Did she –?"

"No, no, she just – look, why don't you give her a call and invite her out for lunch? She needs a friend right now."

"I was going to do that earlier. You guys weren't home."

"Sorry; we were at her appointment with Dr. Allen. We're about to have a game of chess, so why don't you give her a call in an hour or so?"

I can hear the amusement in Abbie's voice. "Chess, huh? You ever played her before?"

"Awhile ago."

"She'll kick your ass. Her mind is _made _for chess."

I chuckle. "Thanks for the heads up. And Abbie – thanks for being there for Alex. She appreciates it. So do I."

"Don't mention it. She's done a lot for me, too."

* * *

><p>Alex beats me at chess, predictably, and then she wins again when I challenge her to a rematch. The smug look on her face after she's checkmated me for the second time makes me groan.<p>

"Okay, Alex, I surrender. You are the champion."

She smirks. "Loser gets to clean up."

Her eyes are twinkling and she sounds so sweet and childlike that it makes me smile again and I allow myself to be cajoled into cleaning up on my own.

We make dinner together, and Abbie calls to invite Alex out for lunch tomorrow as I've suggested. Alex agrees, thankfully. I'm so glad Alex has found such a good friend in Abbie.

After Alex has convinced me to clean up from dinner on my own, we curl up on the couch together and put on a movie. I make Alex a cup of white hot chocolate, which is her favourite, and she rests her head on my shoulder as we watch _The Devil Wears Prada_. It's Alex's favourite, and I just couldn't say no to her tonight when she asked to watch it, even though I usually can't sit through chick flicks. Her adorable puppy dog eyes do me in every time, and I'm just happy to have her in my arms right now.

She falls asleep about halfway through the movie. I really want to turn it off, but I don't want to risk waking Alex by moving my arm to grab the remote, so I suffer through the final hour in silence. When the credits start rolling and Alex is still sleeping on my shoulder, I decide to risk it and turn off the television. Alex doesn't stir, and since I know she hasn't been sleeping well lately, I don't want to wake her to take her to bed. I resign myself to sleeping with her on the couch and carefully maneuver us so I'm lying slightly more comfortably with my head against the armrest. I kiss the crown of Alex's head and wrap my arms around her, quite impressed that she hasn't awoken yet, since she's usually such a light sleeper. She must be exhausted, poor baby.

"I love you," I whisper to her, and we fall asleep like that, with her in my arms.

* * *

><p>The first thing I notice when I wake up in the morning is the beautiful blue eyes gazing into mine. The second thing I notice is the excruciating pain in my back from sleeping on the couch.<p>

The first more than makes up for the second, and I lean forward to plant a gentle kiss on Alex's lips. She smiles and deepens the kiss, and I think this has to be the best way in the world to wake up.

"'Morning, sweetie," I say when we break apart. "Did you sleep okay?"

She nods and rests her head on my chest. "Better than I have in a long time." She yawns in that adorable way she has and cuddles into me, and I can tell that she's about to go back to sleep. "What time is it?" she mumbles.

I glance at the clock on the PVR. "10:30 – Alex, didn't you say you were meeting Abbie for lunch at noon?" I'm mildly surprised that we've slept so late, but nevertheless relieved. Alex really needed a good night's sleep.

She groans. "But I'm so comfy. You make a wonderful pillow, Liv."

I chuckle and sit up, forcing Alex to move her head. She lets out a whimper of displeasure and tries to rest her head on my shoulder again, but I get to my feet, effectively removing her pillow. "Sorry, Alex, but you've got to get in the shower. On the upside, if you get up right now I'll join you."

She pouts for another moment before taking the consolation prize I've offered and following me to the bathroom.

* * *

><p>When we get out of the shower, Alex makes scrambled eggs for breakfast while I set the table. She seems in high spirits this morning, which I am incredibly grateful for, and she chatters cheerfully throughout breakfast. We clean up together, and then I notice the glass of water that I've set out for her is still sitting untouched on the kitchen table.<p>

"Alex, your pill."

Her good mood is gone in an instant. Alex gives me this awful look of resignation that I've never seen on her face before as she puts the pill into her mouth and washes it down.


	12. Chapter 12

**Alex's POV**

Abbie picks me up a little after noon, in her usual fashionably late manner. I'm freshly showered and ready to go before she arrives.

When I got up this morning I was in a good mood, ready to face the day. It's been a long time since I had felt that good.

And then Olivia made me take that pill. As soon as I swallowed it, I felt different. I know the effects can't be felt that quickly, but my brain was preparing to be altered anyway. When I climbed into the shower with Olivia, I already felt sluggish. She had tried to lighten the mood by scrubbing my shoulders and back, but I had pushed her hands away and opted to do it myself instead. I know that hurt her, but I couldn't help it. I felt different.

"You okay?" Abbie asks as soon as I've climbed into the passenger side of her Blazer and closed the door.

I nod and stare straight ahead. "Fine. Where are we going?"

Abbie looks at me for a long moment, and I expect another question, but instead she says, "What are you in the mood for? Pizza, salad, sandwiches, Chinese?"

Abbie has already started driving and I put the visor down in front of me. The sun is coming right in, and I have a headache. "How about that sub place we always used to go to? I haven't been there since the last time we went together out. That must have been almost a year ago."

Abbie smiles. "Has to be close. Back when we hung out all the time. Before we both got 'too busy'. It's funny how work can consume you."

I just nod. I know what she means – at least I _used_ to. Back when I still had a job. God knows when I'll be able to go back there again. At the rate I'm going, I doubt I'll ever be cleared to return.

Abbie pulls into the parking lot of Sammy's Place and finds a spot right near the door. I'm thankful for that as it has started spitting rain and I don't want to get my drying hair any wetter. When I get out of the car I notice the sky is gray and foreboding. How appropriate – it feels like me.

I feel a bit light-headed as we enter the little restaurant. I chalk it up to my sugar probably being low, although I had breakfast this morning.

It's not busy, which isn't unusual. Sammy's is a great little restaurant with excellent sandwiches and friendly staff, but they are neverbusy. What makes them unique is they have a sub bar where you can take your own bread and your own toppings instead of having someone make it for you. It's one of the only restaurants around that has that option. With such a unique offering I can't understand why they don't draw a larger crowd.

We order our drinks and pay for our subs and then make our way over to the bar. I chose Italian bread and put on some cold cuts, tomatoes, lettuce, and cheddar cheese. Normally I'd have the courtesy to wait for Abbie get hers before I take a seat in a booth, but I'm still feeling a bit light-headed and unsteady on my feet and I'm desperate to sit down. As soon as I'm seated, a wave of dizziness hits me and I have to shake my head to get rid of it. I hope I'm not coming down with something, and that I'm not wearing myself down.

When Abbie finally slides into the booth across from me, I see she has chosen a similar sandwich, minus the meat. Hers looks like a veggie supreme. She pushes the hair out of her face and smiles at her creation. "Wow – it's been way too long!"

This would usually get a smile out of me, but I'm not feeling it right now. It's all I can do to nod at her. My dizziness has returned and it seems worse than before.

I try to ignore it by taking a sip of my soda and listening to Abbie go on about work. She's so cheerful and talking a mile a minute.

The inevitable question comes again. "Alex? You okay?"

I snap my head up and look at Abbie questioningly. "Yes. Of course. Why?"

I see the skepticism in her eyes as she gives me a once-over. "I asked you the same question twice and you didn't answer either time. You look lost in your own world there. And you haven't touched your sub. Is it okay?"

I nod again and force myself to take a bite to satisfy Abbie. I'm not hungry and I'm feeling a bit nauseous, but I don't want her to worry.

"I'm okay. I'm just a slow eater – you know that."

"I know. You pick at your food more than you eat it."

I make a face at her. "Thanks, _mother_."

Abbie smirks. "You're welcome."

The next few minutes are spent in silence. My headache has seemed to dissipate, though I still feel a bit nauseous and dizzy.

"What do you want to do after this? Go shopping, see a movie?"

I'm about to answer when I'm hit with an intense wave of nausea and I know I'm going to throw up. I stand up quickly. "Excuse me, I need to go to restroom."

I barely make it to the washroom in time. Thankfully one of the two stalls was unoccupied, and the fortunate person in the stall next to me gets to hear me retch. It's their lucky day.

When I'm positive I've expelled everything from my stomach and the convulsions have stopped, I close the toilet and lean against it, breathing heavily. Vomiting takes a lot out of you, and it's been awhile since I've done been sick so violently.

My stomach muscles ache and I put my hand on my abdomen as I go back to the table. And my facial expression must give away to how badly I feel, because Abbie immediately stands and asks, "God, Alex, do you need some help? You're even paler than usual."

"I think – I think I need to go home. I don't feel well at all. I'm feeling really shaky and dizzy."

Abbie quickly wraps up the rest of her sub and does the same for mine. "You can take this home with you and eat it later when you're feeling better."

I weakly nod and grab my purse from the booth, slinging it over my shoulder. That one simple motion sends another spell of dizziness through my body and Abbie has to grab me to stop me from toppling right over.

"Jesus, Alex! You must be coming down with the flu or something. Let's get you home."

I allow Abbie to help me walk out to the car, despite my aversion to people babying or pitying me.

I don't say anything, but I know it's not the flu. I remember reading the possible side effects on the prescription bag from the drugstore. Dizziness, nausea and vomiting were all on there. If Olivia hadn't made me take that pill, I could be enjoying a great afternoon out with my best friend.

I have to have Abbie pull over halfway home so I can get sick again along the side of the road, for the viewing pleasure of everyone who drives by.

When we finally arrive back at my apartment complex, Abbie helps me inside and takes my keys from me when I fumble to find the right one for the door. She opens the door and I follow her inside like an obedient dog following its master.

Olivia is on the sofa, still in her pajamas with the TV remote in her hand. A look of confusion comes over her face when she sees us, but it quickly changes to one of concern when Abbie says, "Your girl is sick."

Olivia is immediately by my side. She puts her hand on my forehead. "You don't feel warm, baby. Is it your stomach?"

I shake her hand off me and start towards our bedroom. "It was that stupid pill!" I yell over my shoulder right before I slam the bedroom door.

I flop down on the bed and try to hold in my tears. I know Abbie is sitting out in the living room with Olivia, and they're discussing who should come in here to talk to me and what they should say to me. I hate knowing that they're discussing me, because I'm too _fragile_ to be out there with them. It never used to be like this, with my girlfriend and my best friend having to take care with me all the time.

The room is spinning, and I close my eyes and force myself to take several deep breaths. I have to calm down. It won't do for me to throw up again, and then have to have Olivia or Abbie come in here to take care of me. I hate feeling so dependent.

Sure enough, there's a knock on the door after a few minutes. "Lex, it's me," Abbie says. "Can I come in?"

I groan in response. I really don't want her to see me like this, but I don't seem to have a choice, since Abbie opens the door and comes in anyway.

She perches on the foot of the bed and crosses her legs. "What's wrong, Lex?"

With effort, I pull myself into a sitting position. "That damn pill Liv made me take."

"You know Olivia just wants what's best for you, Alex. She's worried about you."

"I don't need you to patronize me, Abbie. I know she is. But what do you want me to do?"

"Talking to her would be a good start."

"I do talk to her!"

"Just like you _do talk_ to me."

"No, it's different. You're busy. You've got your own stuff to worry about, and I don't want to remind you of –"

"You don't want to remind me of what happened to me? Alex, I _want _to be here for you. I know exactly what you're going through, and I know it's tough, but I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses. You're having a hard time talking about it; I get that. But you can just be honest with me and say that. You know I understand."

I sigh, knowing that she's right. "I want to kill him, Abbie," I say quietly. "I've never felt like this before, but I really want to kill him. For what he took from me."

Abbie hesitates for a moment, and then she matches my soft tone. "I want to kill him, too," she says, and I wonder if she's referring to the man who hurt me or the man who hurt her. "Lex, you know it's normal to feel that way. And you'll get it back, whatever you think he took. You'll start to feel safe again, eventually. But you've got to let people in. Liv and I want to help you, but you've got to let us."

I look away from her. "I'm not as strong as you, Abbie. I don't think I can."

To my surprise, Abbie pulls me into a tight hug. "You are strong, Lex. And you've got plenty of people pulling for you."

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

I go in to check on Alex and Abbie after about twenty minutes. I'm really worried about Alex, and I can't help but feel guilty for making her take her pill. I know in my head that she had to, and I'm still terrified that she's going to try to hurt herself, but I hate seeing her in pain. Knowing that I've caused it is the absolute worst feeling in the entire world.

I find them sitting on the bed together. Alex's face is drawn and her knees are pulled up to her stomach, and there are dried tracks of tears on her cheeks. Abbie has a comforting hand on the small of Alex's back and is nodding sympathetically to everything Alex is saying. I can't make out her words, but clearly she's hurting badly, and Abbie replies to her in a soft, soothing voice. I know this is a bond Alex and I will never have, and I should feel grateful that I will never know from experience exactly what she's going through, but I wish I could be the one to be there for her right now. I know Abbie is a good friend for her and has been there for her for years, but part of me still wishes Alex could come to me.

Abbie looks up and notices me in the doorway. She says something to Alex and Alex meets my eyes and nods. Abbie beckons for me to come in, and I sit down on the bed on Alex's other side. "Hey," I say quietly, kissing her cheek. "How's it going?"

Alex looks at her hands. "I'm okay."

Abbie gives her a disapproving look. "Alex, what did we just talk about?"

Alex sighs. "I'm not okay," she says after a moment's hesitation. "My stomach hurts and I'm feeling dizzy." She meets my eyes. "Liv, I'm not going to hurt myself, I promise. I don't want you to worry about me doing that. I promise I won't."

I smooth Alex's hair back from her forehead. "What can I do to help, baby?"

Alex looks at Abbie and Abbie gives her a nod of encouragement. She turns back to me. "I don't know, Liv. I just –" She looks at Abbie again and then back at me. "I feel like I'm out of control. I don't like it. This isn't _me_. I don't think a pill is going to help me feel in control again, Olivia. I really don't."

"I think you're going to have to discuss that with Dr. Allen next week, sweetheart. I'm not qualified to tell you whether or not you need to take them."

Alex looks more defeated than I've ever seen her. "I hate this, Liv."

My heart goes out to her. "I know you do, baby. And I hate seeing you like this, but there's nothing I can say, Alex. Why don't you give Dr. Allen a call and see what she says?"

"Now?"

"If you like."

Alex gets off the bed and goes to get the phone. "Can I make an appointment with her for this week?"

"If she's okay with it." Once Alex is out of the room, I turn to Abbie. "You think she's doing all right?"

"All things considered, she's holding up pretty well. Try not to worry so much, Olivia. Give her a little bit of space. I don't think she's going to hurt herself if that's what you're asking."

I sigh. "I can't help but worry, Abbie. That's my job."

"Even if she doesn't tell you, she does appreciate it."

I give Abbie a small smile. "And even if she doesn't say it, she's grateful to have a friend like you. We both are."

She smiles back. "I'm going to take off. Call me if you or Alex needs anything, okay?"

I nod. "Thanks, Abbie."

"Don't mention it. Alex is a friend." She goes out to say goodbye to Alex, and Alex walks her to the front door.

A moment later, Alex comes back into the bedroom. She immediately curls up in my lap, which makes me smile. I love the feeling of my Alex in my arms. "You okay, baby? Did you talk to Dr. Allen?"

She nods and cuddles up against me. "She says I can come see her on Tuesday, if I want. Will you come too?"

"Of course, sweetheart. I'll stay with you the whole time if you want me to."

"She says I have to keep taking the Paxil, because apparently the side effects can dissipate after a few days to let your body adjust." She makes a face and I can tell she isn't exactly thrilled about that idea.

"She's right, Alex. You've got to give it a chance to work for you."

"I don't _want _it to work for me!" Alex bursts out. "I don't want to have to take an _antidepressant _for the rest of my life!"

"Alex, it won't be the rest of your life –"

"It might be, Liv. What if I just never get better? What if nothing helps?"

"Alex, just try to focus on right now. Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what might happen far in the future. Just think about now, baby. You need to try with the Paxil. If it doesn't help, then we'll try something else."

Alex sighs. "I don't want it to be like this, Liv," she whispers, her voice muffled. "It hurts too much."

I know nothing I could ever say to her could take away her pain, so I don't even try. I just hold her and hope that it will be enough.


	13. Chapter 13

**Olivia's POV**

I feel like the meanest, most horrible girlfriend in the world.

I hate making Alex continue to take her Paxil. Today is day three and the pills are still making her sick and dizzy. This morning I almost cried as I watched her blue eyes go dim when I handed her the pill and glass of water. She took it and said nothing, but not even an hour later I heard her in the bathroom vomiting.

This seems cruel and unfair. I realize the side effects may need a few days to abate, but what if they don't? What if Alex is being tortured for nothing and Dr. Allen has to give her something else that makes her sick and we have to go through this whole thing again?

Right now Alex is curled up on the couch, covered with her favorite fleece blanket, and I'm in the kitchen checking on the Jell-O I made earlier. It's strawberry – Alex's favorite. She loves Jell-O when she's sick. In fact, it's about the only time she eats it.

The Jell-O is ready, so I remove the enormous bowl from the fridge and dish out a small helping for Alex. I know she won't each much.

I carry the bowl to Alex with a smile on my face. She has the remote in her hand and her attention is on the TV, not me, but I smile at her anyway.

I sit down next to Alex's feet and pull them onto my lap. She acknowledges me with a nod but says nothing. My heart drops a little; I know she's still angry with me. I really wish she would understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.

"I made you some Jell-O, baby," I say softly, holding out the bowl so she can see it.

Alex eyes it and then looks back at the TV. "I don't want it."

My heart sinks even more. "It's strawberry. Come on, just eat half the bowl and I'll be satisfied. You need something in your stomach."

"Why? So I can throw up again?"

Alex's tone is bitter and I sigh. "Alex, it's probably out of your system by now. I know you still feel bad, but you should eat. Really. You need to keep up your strength."

"And that Jell-O is going to make me strong? Is it some kind of magic potion to undo the past? Will it turn back time to that night? Are you some kind of witch doctor that can make that happen?" I shake my head and Alex looks away from me again. "I didn't think so."

I decide to abandon the Jell-O idea and put the bowl down on the coffee table in front of us. I don't want Alex to see how much her words stung, so I try to stay positive and cheerful.

"Let's go for a walk. Fresh air will make you feel better. Exercise does wonders."

Alex scowls at me. "Really? Is that how you got over your mother's death? A hearty bowl of Jell-O and a nice walk?"

I'm taken aback by her words. "That's not fair."

"What's fair about any of this?"

"Alex –"

"Don't _Alex _me, Olivia!"

She only calls me Olivia when she's angry with me, so I sit there on the couch, facing her and just awaiting her wrath while she searches for the right words to use to get to me.

"I'm going along with everything you ask – going to those stupid sessions with Dr. Allen, taking those pills, _talking _to you about my feelings . . . when are you going to do something _I _ask? Something that I want?"

I frown at her. "What is that you want?"

Alex sits up and I'm surprised to find her baby blues glistening with tears. "I want to feel like _me _again! You can't make that happen and I know it, but you aren't helping me get there. I don't want to take those pills – not because they make me sick, but because they make me even more numb than I already am. They make me feel even further away from myself. You can't understand what it's like."

She's right – I can't. I can't imagine the internal struggle she's going through. All I know is how much it hurts me to see it.

I reach for Alex's hand and say her name quietly, but she yanks her hand away from me. I ignore that and tell her, "Alex, I know. I don't like making you take them, but I have to. Once they start working you're going to feel better. You just have to give them a chance."

My words have no effect on my girlfriend. She shakes her head. "You aren't _hearing _me, Olivia!"

"I have no idea what you want right now, Alex. I am doing my best, and –"

"I don't want your best!" Alex's voice is so loud and forceful that I nearly slide further away from her. "I don't want anything from you! I want you to leave me alone! Stop your constant victim voice with me, stop touching me, stop looking at me with pity, and stop bringing me Jell-O! If you want to help, build a time machine so I can go back to that night at the bar and make it so it never happened."

And just like that, I'm angry too. I have maintained my patience with Alex this long, but the dams have finally burst and there's no stopping them now.

"I wish I could do that for you, but you know what, Alex? I can't. And neither can you. That night happened. It happened because you _allowed _it to. I told you not to do it. I told you it was dangerous. And instead of listening to your girlfriend, you chose to lie to me on the phone and do exactly what I asked you not to do. And now you're paying the price for it. We both are. But you can't blame anyone else for what happened. This is _your _fault!"

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I realize they sound wrong. It sounds as if I'm telling Alex she's responsible for the rape when in fact all I'm saying is she's responsible for the choice she made. It's never the victim's fault when they are raped. I should have worded that differently.

But I don't get a chance to fix it. Alex has already gotten up off the couch. I stand as well and reach for her, and she turns to me, a horrible heartbreaking expression on her face. "I can't believe you said that, Liv."

My heart has fallen all the way to my feet and my brain is trying to compensate for its mistake just moments before, but it falls short. Anything I can say right now will either be taken the wrong way or just ignored. I hurt Alex deeply, and I hate myself for it. I never wanted to do that.

"Alex, you know I didn't mean it like that!" I finally say, attempting to stop her as she stalks off toward our bedroom. Without thinking I grab her wrist. She has to break this habit of always running away from conflict between us, always retreating to the safety of our bedroom to be alone. She _shouldn't _be alone.

"I told you to leave me alone, Olivia, and I meant it. Get your hands off me."

Never has such a request to me come from Alex, and I'm shocked by the coldness in which she said it. I immediately let go of her wrist and just look at her, feeling more dejected than I can ever remember feeling in my life.

Alex's eyes are burning into mine. I see anger and sadness dwelling in hers and I would do anything to take it all away, but of course I can't. I'm powerless. This is one thing I can't fix for my Alex.

"I don't want to see you for the rest of the day. Do you understand?"

I nod and watch helplessly as she disappears into her sanctuary again.

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

"What happened since our last session? Anything you want to talk about?" Dr. Allen asks.

I can barely bring myself to shake my head. "No. Nothing."

"Why did you ask Olivia to sit this session out? I thought having her here made you feel better."

I look at Dr. Allen at the mention of Olivia's name. That name usually invokes such wonderful warm feelings inside me, but right now it just makes me feel even more upset.

Olivia blames me for what happened. I guess I've always known that, but to hear her say it is a different matter. Of course she tried to backtrack and take it back, but the words had already been spoken. The damage was already done.

That was two days ago. Olivia has been sleeping on the couch since then. I've barely even said a word to her. We had a small conversation in the car on the way here about the weather and nothing more. I looked out my window the whole time.

I know Olivia is hurting too, but she's selfish to think she's the only who matters here.

"We had a fight. I didn't want her in here today. I wanted to drive myself, but of course she wouldn't let me."

Dr. Allen nods as if she had been expecting me to say something similar to what I just did. "What was your fight about?"

It takes me a minute to be able to say it. "About the pills and about how she treats me. She blames me for what happened that night."

"No, she doesn't, Alex. That isn't true."

I feel my eyes welling up with tears now as I try to glare at Dr. Allen. "Yes, it is! She said so! She's supposed to love me . . . she's supposed to be my other half. She's not supposed to take the worst thing that has ever happened to me and make it my fault!"

The tears come now, despite how much I try and hold them back. And they keep coming until I find myself gasping for breath and Dr. Allen hands me her box of tissues.

I need to be in Olivia's arms right now. She always holds me when I cry. She always makes me feel better, safer.

When I finally manage to quell my tears, I sit back up and attempt to compose myself. "It is my fault," I say, my voice barely a whisper. "She's right. It is." This is my worst fear, that Olivia would agree with me. I figured that if I never voiced it, there might still be a chance that I was wrong. But Olivia has just confirmed what I already suspected myself. I know it's all my fault. Of course it is. I should have listened to Olivia and just not gone out that night.

"Alex, both you and Olivia know that a sexual assault is never the victim's fault –"

"But I put myself in that position. If I'd just listened to Olivia, I wouldn't have even been there. She was right, and I didn't listen, and now I'm paying for it! And I'm making her pay for it, too. That's why I tried to leave – I didn't want to do this to her!" Then I'm crying again, and Dr. Allen gives me a moment. I wish Olivia was here, kissing my hair and rubbing my back and telling me she loves me.

But I never should have done this to her, and this is my punishment.

"What did she say to you, Alex?" Dr. Allen asks after several minutes.

I wipe my eyes with a Kleenex. "It only happened because I allowed it to." Olivia's words are seared into my mind now, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forget them. "It's my fault, and now we're both paying the price for it. That's what she said, and she's right."

Dr. Allen is silent for a few moments. "I think this is something you need to discuss with Olivia," she says. "I think both of you know that what happened wasn't your fault, but I can tell you that all I want and it's not going to do you any good. I can't make you discuss it with her, but I think it would be a good idea for you to call her in here, and we can talk the three of us."

I shake my head. I can't. I'm too afraid of what Olivia will say. I know she blames me, and I can't stand to hear her say it again.

"Alex, this isn't going to get resolved if you keep avoiding it."

I swallow a sob. "I just want to forget it happened!"

"But you can't, Alex. It did happen, and it's continuing to affect you. That's perfectly normal."

"This isn't _normal_. Not for me. I hate being like this. I hate hurting Olivia. She'd be better off . . ." I fall silent, afraid that what I had been about to say would be interpreted the wrong way.

"You think she'd be better off without you," Dr. Allen says quietly.

I look away from her. "She _would _be."

"Did Olivia tell you that?"

"She didn't have to. I see it in her eyes." I remember the tender smiles Olivia used to give me, the absolute love shining in her eyes when she looked at me, and I feel a shiver run through me. Now when she looks at me, all I see is pain and disappointment. I fear that we've lost the spark we had, and it's my fault.

Dr. Allen nods slowly, not as if she agrees with me, but as if she's validating my opinion. The condescension makes me angry.

"I don't want to talk anymore."

Dr. Allen sighs. "Why don't you go out to the waiting room and send Olivia in? I'd like to talk to her for a few minutes."

I glare at her. "It won't help."

"Please send her in anyway."

I go out to the waiting room and plop myself down on a chair. "Dr. Allen wants to talk to you," I tell her.

Olivia gives me an uncertain glance, but nods and gets up.

I fold my arms over my chest and wait. I know that nothing Dr. Allen says to Olivia will make any difference – nothing in the world can erase the way Olivia feels about me. She thinks I'm a burden, and the worst part is that I know she's right.

I close my eyes and try to clear my head. Thinking about this makes me want to cry, and I can't start crying right now.

I start when I feel a hand on my arm, but I relax when I see that it's just Olivia. "You ready to go?" she says in that gentle voice I'm used to.

I nod and follow Olivia down to the car. I silently sit down in the passenger seat, but I pull away when Olivia tries to hold my hand. I don't want her to touch me right now.

The worst part is, I can't decide who I'm angrier at – Olivia, or myself.

After a few moments, Olivia breaks the silence. "Alex," she says softly, "I am so sorry for what I said the other day. I was just upset – but that's no excuse. I didn't mean it. I would _never_ blame you for being raped, Alex. I know that wasn't your fault – rape is _never _the victim's fault. That was really an awful thing for me to say, and we both know it's not true. I am so, so sorry for hurting you like that, Alex."

I can't meet her eyes. I wish I could just forgive her. I wish we could go back in time, to before all this happened. Before I hurt Olivia, and before she hurt me.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" Olivia asks. "I'll do _anything_, Alex. _Anything. _I am so sorry."

I play with a thread on my shirt. "I forgive you," I say quietly, but my words sound unconvincing, even to me.

When I finally look up at Olivia, her eyes are sadder than I've ever seen them. "I love you," she says, her voice cracking.

I know she does, but it isn't enough. Not if she blames me for being raped.

But how can I hold that against her? I blame me for being raped too.

When we get home, I go into our bedroom and shut the door. Olivia gets the hint that I want to be alone, and I hear her settle herself on the couch and turn on the television.

I lie down on the bed and close my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. I want so much to go out to the living room and climb into Olivia's arms and have her hold me, but I can't. Not now.

I start when I hear a knock on the door. "Alex," Olivia says, "Abbie's on the phone. She wants to talk to you. Can I come in?"

I sigh. "Yes, come in."

She comes into the bedroom and perches on the edge of her bed, her dark eyes still full of pain. Pain that _I _put there. "Here," she says, handing me the phone.

I put the phone to my ear. "Hi, Abbie."

"Hey, Lex. How's it going?"

I watch Olivia get up from the bed and leave the room, closing the door behind her to give me my privacy. "All right, I guess."

"Olivia told me what happened."

I feel a spark of anger ignite inside me at that. "Abbie, you don't need to play the messenger. If Olivia has something to discuss with me, she can discuss something with me."

"She did, Alex. And she didn't ask me to talk to you. I'm just worried about you. About both of you."

I sigh, the self-righteous fury slowly slipping away. "She said it was my fault he raped me, Abbie."

Abbie is silent for a moment. "Alex, you know she didn't mean it."

"She still shouldn't have said something so awful."

"Lex, how long are you going to hold this against her for?"

"Abbie, you of all people should understand –"

"I do, Alex. I do. And she shouldn't have said it. But that doesn't make what you're doing okay, either."

"What am _I _doing?"

"Ignoring her. She loves you, Lex, and you're hurting her by behaving like this."

"I love her, too, but she – I – she's right, Abbie. She's right. It was my fault. And I don't know what to do now that I know she agrees with me. I thought if I just kept it in my head and didn't say anything, maybe there was a chance that I was wrong, but now – it's my fault!"

"Alex, listen to yourself. You work with rape victims every day. Would you ever tell one of them that being raped is their fault?"

"No, but –"

"No, but nothing, Alex! Was being raped my fault?"

"No, of course not, Abbie!"

"Why not? I was on a date with him –"

"He still _raped _you, Abbie."

"I could have not gone out with him –"

"That doesn't make it your fault."

Abbie pauses. "That's exactly my point."

I can't help it; I start to laugh. "God, Abbie, you're such a lawyer." I hate how she manages to use my own words against me. "So what should I do?"

"Like you'll take my advice even if I give it. But seriously, Lex, go out to the living room and give Olivia a hug and tell her you love her. That's all she wants from you. And you know in your heart that she loves you, too."

I consider for a moment. It's been days since I've been in Olivia's arms, and I miss her so much. "I'll call you later, Abbie, okay?"

"Of course. Go be with your girl now."

I smile at hearing Olivia referred to as my girl. "Thanks, Abbie."

"No problem, Lex. Talk to you later."

I hang up the phone and go out to the living room. Olivia looks up when she sees me and gives me an uncertain smile. She opens her mouth to say something, but then she closes it and just smiles at me.

I stand there for a moment, just watching her, but then I can't help myself. I walk over and wrap my arms around Olivia, holding on with all I've got.

She hesitates for a moment, but then she hugs me back, and I feel tears rush to my eyes. It feels so good to be in her arms again. I feel so safe, so warm and protected and _loved_. Suddenly, there's no doubt in my mind anymore. I know Olivia loves me and I know she could never blame me for being raped. I feel almost silly for even considering the idea.

I settle myself in Olivia's lap and bury my face in her shoulder, feeling her arms tighten around me. "I love you," I whisper, and she kisses my hair.

"Love you, too, baby," she says, and I feel my heart skip a beat, almost as if it's the first time she's said the words.


	14. Chapter 14

**Alex's POV**

It's after two a.m. and the only thing on my mind is that my sobbing is going to wake my girlfriend, and Olivia hasn't been sleeping well lately. Because of me, of course.

I don't need to be waking her up tonight. She's used up all her sick days on me and she doesn't need to be going into work half asleep because I woke her up with my damn crying.

Why am I even crying? We had a good evening together. After my phone conversation with Abbie, I was attached to Olivia like Velcro. Neither of us left the apartment; we even ordered a pizza and had it delivered, which is something we rarely do.

I've been lying here awake since Olivia fell asleep about three hours ago. I was in her arms as usual but as soon as I was sure she was asleep, I untangled myself from her and rolled over to my own side of the bed. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight; I have way too much on my mind.

I've been thinking about how much I've been hurting Olivia, how badly I feel about myself now, how much I miss being at work, and how I know things won't ever be the same again. It's all hit me at once, and now I can't stop crying.

"Alex?"

Just as I feared, I woke my baby. I hear her shift on her side of the bed, and a few seconds later the bedside lamp comes on. I squint into the sudden light and keep my back to Olivia so she can't see my tears.

"I'm okay, Liv. Go back to sleep. You have an early morning tomorrow."

I should have known that was not going to settle this. I feel Olivia slide over to me, and her warm arms wrap around me, holding me tightly against her. I close my eyes, relishing in the loving contact. I squeeze my eyes shut to try and stop the tears. God, I love her so much!

Olivia kisses the cheek that is facing her. "What's wrong, baby? Why are you still awake?"

"I'm just thinking," I say.

"About what?"

I hesitate a moment. "Everything."

I can feel Olivia playing with my hair and I smile. She loves to do that. "You know I like to look into those beautiful baby blues when I talk to you." She runs her fingers down my neck gently. "Can you turn and face me?"

I can't. She'll see that I've been crying; or maybe she already knows, and this is a test. Maybe she wants to know whether or not I can be honest with her.

Reluctantly I start to shift and Olivia lets go of me long enough to allow me to turn over so we're face to face. As soon as Olivia takes one look at my red puffy eyes, she smiles and kisses my forehead, wrapping me securely in her arms again.

"Everything is okay, Alex. I'm here. We've got each other. We're together, and we always will be. I'll love you forever, baby."

And for the moment, everything _is _okay. As long as I'm in Olivia's arms and we love each other, I'm okay.

"I love you too, Olivia. More than anything." I feel the tears coming back but I stop them this time.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"No. I haven't even been asleep. Like I said, I was just thinking."

Olivia is stroking my bare arms and the motion is slowly lulling me into relaxation. If Olivia keeps this up, I'll be asleep within moments. Which I'm sure she's aware of and that's why she's doing it.

"I wish it had never happened, Liv," I say quietly, not even bothering to clarify what 'it' is.

I don't have to. Olivia knows. She squeezes me tighter and plants another soft kiss on my forehead. "I know, honey."

I feel more hot tears sliding down my cheeks and I don't even bother to attempt to suppress them this time. I need to fall apart like this. It's time. "I sat there at the bar with him. I remember thinking he was _cute_. I talked to him, acted like I was _attracted _to him."

Olivia takes a deep breath and I realize this is the first time I've said anything about that night to her. She probably doesn't want to risk saying the wrong thing and ruining this moment, so she continues stroking my arm and just listens to me.

And once I've started, I can't stop. I've lost all my resolve. Olivia needs to know; she _deserves _to know.

"I was wearing those slutty clothes and I saw him check me out. I felt disgusting, but I smiled like I enjoyed it. I was his type, and he sat down next to me. He called me gorgeous, and told me his name was Corey. I asked him if he frequented the bar often, and he said yes . . . and I think at that moment I knew. And I should have pulled out of there, called it off, but I didn't. I thought we could get him."

I can tell this is difficult for Olivia to hear. She takes another deep breath, and then says, "Then what happened, sweetie?" Her voice is practically a whisper, as if speaking in a natural tone is going to shatter me.

"He suddenly looked at his watch and said he had to go. And then I felt like I had done something wrong, tipped him off somehow. I got up to follow him, trying to seduce him . . ." I close my eyes and shake my head. "I felt so guilty trying to pursue him, like I was being disloyal to you."

"You weren't, sweetheart," Olivia says in that same soft, gentle voice.

I go on. "He left, and after about an hour, I did too. After he left I lost confidence that he was our man. I thought if he had been, he would have tried to take me home. So I left the bar and told Elliot and Cragen I was ready to be picked up. Fin was supposed to be outside but he wasn't, so I wandered around looking for him. I know I shouldn't have . . . I'm sorry . . ." I'm getting choked up again.

"No, Alex. It wasn't your fault. The guys never should have left you. They should have radioed you and told you to stay inside the bar until one of them came back and inside to get you. _They _were wrong; not you."

But I clearly remember what Olivia had said; that it _had _been my fault. And even though I know she hadn't meant what she said, I still can't help but feel that it partially _is _my fault.

"He got me in the parking lot. Came up from behind me and put his hands over my mouth, and pressed a gun into my back. I felt the cold metal against the fabric in my shirt." I close my eyes at the horrible memory and try to push it away. "He forced me into the back of his Chevy. I remember not wanting to go, but I was so afraid of being shot. I knew he would shoot me if I didn't comply . . . so I did – I'm so sorry, Olivia!"

I'm crying uncontrollably now and Olivia keeps whispering assurances to me and kissing my forehead lovingly, telling she loves me and always will. "You don't have to go on if it's too hard, baby. You can stop."

But I can't. I've already started, and I can't quit now. Olivia needs to know. I've kept this from her for too long.

As soon as I've composed myself enough to go on without being overtaken by tears, I start to speak again, my voice shaking. "He was wearing a black ski mask over his face, but I knew it was Corey. He took me to an alley near the Horseshoe. As soon as he stopped the car I knew what was going to happen to me. When he stopped he dragged me out of the back and forced me to the ground on my back. I was fighting him, but wasn't strong enough. He took my clothes off, and I thought of you. The only way I go through it was by thinking if I did what he said I would come home to you again . . ." The tears are coming again and Olivia squeezes me to encourage me to continue. "He fondled my breasts and kissed them. And then he entered me, and it hurt so badly. I was crying. I felt so ashamed, and so, so scared, and it _hurt_. I never felt so dirty in my life. All I could while he raped me was picture your face and your smile. I kept telling myself I was doing this so I could see you again."

Olivia is crying now too, but she stays silent and allows me to continue. "I don't know how long he did it . . . but he just slid out of me when he was done, put his pants back on and got in his car. Then he drove away. I was lying there naked on my back, too tired and in too much pain to do anything. I'd never been scared in my life, Liv! I wished for you to come and find me, but instead I saw Elliot's face leaning over before I passed out. Because I had lied to you and you had no idea where I was."

"Oh, baby." Olivia holds me tightly, pressing kisses to the base of my neck. "I am so, so sorry I wasn't there for you. I wish I was there. I wish I'd been there to protect you."

I wish that, too, but I don't say it. My throat is too tight for me to speak right now, and Olivia understands. She just holds me, rubbing comforting circles into my back. I start to relax under Olivia's soothing touch and my tears gradually subside.

Once I've stopped crying, Olivia gives me a watery smile and kisses my forehead, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm proud of you, Lexi," she says softly. "I love you so much, and I'm so lucky you're mine."

I still don't say anything, but I slide closer to her, fitting my body against Olivia's and laying my head in the crook of her neck.

Olivia smiles at me again. "You ready to go back to sleep?"

I nod. "I don't want you to be tired in the morning."

"Don't worry about me, Alex. I can take another day off work if I need to. What I want to know is if _you _are okay."

I sigh. I don't think I'll ever be "okay" again.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

Alex is still asleep in the morning when the alarm rings, and I quickly shut it off, not wanting to wake my girlfriend. I'll let her sleep for now; I know last night was really hard for her, and she didn't manage to fall asleep until after three in the morning. It's only seven now.

I give Alex a light kiss on the forehead and go to start breakfast. If Alex still isn't up when it's ready, I'll put some waffles in the fridge for her so she can heat them up when she wakes up.

Alex is still sleeping when the waffles are ready, so I eat by myself and then get into the shower. I get dressed in the bathroom, then go into our bedroom, where Alex is curled up on her side and breathing evenly. She looks so peaceful in her slumber and it makes my heart clench. I go over to her side of the bed and lean down to plant a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Love you, baby," I whisper.

Alex's eyelids flutter and she stirs. "Liv?"

I give her a smile as those adorably sleepy blue eyes open and focus on mine. "I'm leaving for work," I say quietly, giving her another kiss. "You'll be okay?"

Alex nods and reaches out to wrap her arms around me. "Love you," she says, her voice thick with sleep.

My heart melts a bit at how cute she is when she's tired like this. "I love you, too, sweetheart."

She yawns and kisses my cheek. "Will you lie with me?"

"I'd love to, sweetie, but I've got to get to work –"

"Oh, okay," she says quickly. "I'm sorry."

I just can't say no to her. "It's okay. I've got a few minutes. I'd love to keep you company for a bit."

I press a kiss to the crown of her head and lay down beside Alex, pulling her into my arms. She yawns again and rests her head on my shoulder. I figure I'll hold her until she goes back to sleep, and then I'll go to work. Who cares if I'm a few minutes late? Alex is more important.

When I get home, I'm absolutely exhausted. I know I told Alex I'd be home by six, and it's almost 8:30, and I'm kicking myself for it. Elliot and I spent several hours at the hospital with a rape victim who broke my heart because she reminded me so much of Alex. She looked just like her, with striking blue eyes and golden hair and porcelain skin just like my girlfriend's. Even the cadence of her voice made me think of Alex, and I had to sit and listen to her tell me how her girlfriend sexually assaulted her. Her _girlfriend_, for God's sake. Her _girlfriend _raped her.

I couldn't help but think of my Alex, and it made my heart ache.

As soon as I walk in the door, all I want is Alex in my arms. My heart melts a little when she meets me at the door with a smile and puts away my coat for me. "I'm sorry I'm late –"

She silences me with a kiss. "I made you dinner," she says softly, wrapping her arms around me.

I hug her to me and exhale deeply. "Thanks, sweetie." I kiss the crown of her head. "I love you."

She smiles at me. "I love you, too."

"How was your day?"

She shrugs. "Abbie called. She wants to get together for lunch again sometime this week."

"That sounds like a good idea."

Alex nods. "She's a good friend."

"She cares about you a lot, sweetheart."

"I know." Alex kisses my cheek. "How was your day?"

I sigh. "I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to hold you, 'kay?"

Alex smiles. "Okay." She takes my hand. "Come lie with me."

I follow her into the living room and lay down on the couch. I open my legs so Alex can lie between them, and she rests her head on my chest and snuggles into me, purring in contentment. I wrap my arms around her and press a kiss to her cheek, relishing the feel of my Alex in my arms. This is truly the best way to end a tough day.

I run my fingers through her silky blonde hair, enjoying her soft mewls of pleasure at my touch. I'm so glad she's letting me touch her like this. It's obviously not a sexual touch, but it's an intimate one nonetheless, and I love being so close to Alex.

"I baked brownies for you," Alex says after a few minutes.

I raise an eyebrow. "Since when do you bake?"

"Since I'm at home and bored. I already finished a book and I didn't feel like going out, so I decided to bake you your favourite brownies."

I give her a tender smile and kiss her forehead. "That's sweet of you. Thanks, baby."

She smiles back and curls closer to me. "I love you," she whispers.

I give her a squeeze. "Love you, too, Lexi."

We lay on the couch for awhile, just taking comfort in each other's presence. After a few minutes, I start to drift off, and Alex brings me back with a kiss. "Would you like me to heat up that lovely dinner I made you?"

"I'd love that," I say, caressing her cheek. "Come on."

Alex takes my hand and we walk together into the kitchen. She puts the penne she made me in the microwave to heat up and pours me a glass of wine. When the microwave beeps, she brings me the bowl of pasta and sets it down on the table in front of me, then sits down across from me and takes my hand, stroking it lightly.

I smile at Alex and put a bite of pasta in my mouth. She squeezes my hand and smiles back. "Is it okay?"

"Yeah, it's delicious. Thanks, baby. And also thanks for not setting the house on fire."

Alex chuckles. "That was only once! And it was a small fire. Just the stove."

"It was bad enough that the fire department had to come to put it out."

Alex purses her lips. "I overreacted!"

"Oh, I know. I had to come all the way home from work to make sure everything was okay."

Alex blushes. "I told you it wouldn't happen again, and it hasn't."

"_Yet_."

"Thanks for all your confidence in me, sweetheart."

I'm about to reply when the phone rings. I get up to answer it, but Alex waves me back down.

"I'll get it. You finish your dinner before it gets cold."

Alex steps out of the kitchen to answer the phone, and when she comes back in a few minutes later, her face is pale and drawn, the good humor from earlier dissipating. "Who was it, baby?" I ask her.

"Liz. She wants me to come in tomorrow. The trial is starting soon." Alex won't meet my eyes.

I hold out my arms to her and she walks into them, resting her chin on my shoulder and taking a deep breath. I kiss the crown of Alex's head and rock her gently. "Try not to worry about it, baby. I'm sure you'll do fine. And it's a long time from now anyway."

"No, it's just a few weeks . . . Liv, what if – what if he gets off? I – I don't know what I'd do. Liv, I'm scared."

I search for the right words, but they don't seem to exist. I don't know how to comfort her, so I just hold her, and hope it will help. I hate feeling so helpless, but it's all I can do.


	15. Chapter 15

**Alex's POV**

It's funny; I thought sitting in Liz's office would be more comfortable than this. I've been here sitting on this same sofa more times than I can even count. It should be a comfortable setting for me.

But as I watch Liz gather the papers from her desk and put them into the case file – _my _case file – I swallow harshly and briefly contemplate getting up and running out the door to the safety of Olivia's arms.

But I know I can't. As hard as this is going to be for me, it's necessary. And I have to do it right this time. I can't throw any statues through the glass on Liz's door or lose control. I have to remain calm and trust Liz to do her job and take care of this properly.

Once Liz has everything in order, she comes over and sits down in the chair across from me, studying me intently for a few minutes. I know she's sizing me up, trying to figure out if I'm going to fly off the handle today or not.

It's such a shame I've been reduced to this. Alex Cabot flying off the handle has _never _been an issue before. No one would even think of using that phrase alongside my name. Until now.

"Thank you for coming in today, Alexandra," Liz says, locking her eyes onto mine. "I know this is difficult for you, and I appreciate your cooperation."

"Thank you. And I promise you there will be no incidents today."

"I should hope not, Alexandra. The glass panel on the door of your office was just replaced a couple days ago. If you break mine, you and I are going to have a problem. And I want you to know that I've had to do a lot of rearranging of my schedule to be able to handle this case."

"I know, and I appreciate it," I say quickly.

"You'd better, Alexandra."

I look away from Liz in shame. One thing about her is that she doesn't believe in babying anyone. Whatever she has to say to you, she'll say it. Whenever she's unhappy with you, she'll let you know.

Liz rests her notepad on her knees and uncaps her pen, and I have to take a sharp breath. I know it means she's about to get down to business, but I'd prefer a bit of small talk to allow myself some time to mentally prepare.

But of course Liz doesn't believe in small talk.

"Are you ready to begin?"

I nod reluctantly, not trusting myself to form an adequate verbal response right now.

"Okay. Tell me what happened. Starting from when you left the Horseshoe."

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and begin to recount the entire horrible ordeal. Again. I've replayed it in my mind so many times I can get through the whole thing without having to go back and pick out any details I may have left out.

Liz is nodding and scribbling on her notepad as I'm speaking. When I get to the part where Corey pulled me out of his car in the alley, my breath hitches in my throat and I have to stop talking. Liz senses my hesitation and smiles at me reassuringly, reaching onto the table nearby and handing me a box of tissues.

I take off my glasses and dab at my eyes as Liz encourages me to go on. "You're doing well. Take a moment to pull yourself together. It's all right."

I'm grateful to Liz for not hurrying me along. I'm sure her schedule for the day is packed and I'm taking more time than is necessary by my hesitation, but she says nothing. She just sits silently and waits for me to compose myself.

I tell her the details of the rape through my tears. I must have used over half a box of those tissues. And for once, I'm not completely disappointed in myself for breaking down.

Once I've finished my story, Liz makes some more notes and then sets the notepad aside, turning her attention to me. "I'm proud of you, Alexandra. I know that was difficult."

I swallow again and nod. Now that I've told her – now that she _knows _– I want nothing more than to stop talking about it. "So what are you going to do?" I ask her.

"I want to try and keep this out of trial if possible. Save you and the other women he's being charged with raping the pain of having to repeat your stories on the witness stand."

I shiver at the idea of that. So many times I have stood in front of the witness stand, prodding a reluctant witness to tell the entire courtroom their story of shame. So many times I've done so without questioning what I'm actually doing. But now that I may be on the other end of that, I can't imagine how I'm ever going to make anyone do it again.

"I'll meet with his attorney in the morning and see what kind of plea arrangement we can make. I'll do everything I can to keep this from going to trial, but no promises, Alexandra. You know as well as I do that he unfortunately has every right to a jury trial."

I know Liz is right, but right now I'm holding onto the hope that Corey will agree to plead out. It would be in his best interest to do so, and I'm sure his attorney will tell him that.

Odds are I won't have to testify, so why get myself worked up about it, right?

After a few minutes, Liz shakes my hand and thanks me for coming once again. She walks me to the door and as soon as it closes behind me I literally start to run down the hall towards where Olivia is seated in one of the chairs against the left side wall. She sees me coming and stands just as I reach her.

All I want is my girlfriend right now. I want to be in her arms with her voice murmuring words of comfort and love into my ear, and I want to feel the warmth of her body against mine.

And I don't have to ask for any of it. Olivia reads the need on my face and quickly takes me in her arms, holding me close to her. I allow myself to cry again, letting the fabric of Olivia's shirt absorb the rivers of tears cascading down my cheeks.

"It's okay, baby. You're okay," Olivia says softly, rubbing circles into the small of my back as she soothes me with her words. "You're okay."

We cling to each other for several minutes before I feel I'm composed enough to break our contact. As I slowly pull away from Olivia, she smiles at me and kisses my cheek.

"Come on, sweetheart. Let's go home."

She takes me by the hand and we go to the parking lot, still holding hands until we get to the car and have to break apart. When I sit down in the passenger seat and put on my seatbelt, I seize Olivia's hand again. "I told Liz," I say quietly She's going to try and plead him out."

Olivia smiles at me again, reaching out and caressing my cheek with her soft hand. "I'm so proud of you, baby. A plea is good thing for you, but I sure would hate to see that bastard get less time than he deserves."

I would too, but we both know it's unavoidable. "It's either that or it goes to trial, Liv. Which means me sitting on the witness stand telling a courtroom full of strangers exactly what he did to me. Which would you prefer?"

"Of course I don't want you to have to do that, Alex. You or those other women. But I don't want him to get off scot-free either."

"He'll hardly get off scot-free; Liz will make sure of that."

I'm starting to become upset at the nagging thought in the back of my mind that Olivia actually wants this to go to trial, and I know I have to change the subject completely before I get too worked up.

"We won't know either way until Liz meets with his attorney tomorrow. And if he doesn't take the deal, the trial will still be a long time from now. So let's not talk about it, okay?"

Olivia can read me like a book and she picks up on the uncertainty and uneasiness I'm feeling right now. So she gives me another tender smile, leans in for one more kiss, and then starts the car.

"Okay. Let's get you home."

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

Alex is falling asleep on the car ride home, and I know she's worn out, poor baby. Her head is resting against the window and her eyes are closed, but her breathing is ragged and uneven, so I know she's not asleep. I keep a steady grip on her hand, hoping that my touch will reassure her.

I know Alex is probably a bit upset with me right now. She thinks I want to make her testify. I don't, but I really don't want Corey to only get a slap on the wrist. I want him to go to prison for the rest of his miserable life so he can never hurt anyone ever again, especially not my precious Alex.

When we stop at a red light, I reach out to run a hand through her hair. "You okay, baby?" I ask.

She nods and mumbles something that sounds like "yes".

I lean over to give her a kiss. "Sweetie, I'm sorry. I don't want you to have to testify. I just want you to be safe, and happy." _I just want things to go back to the way they were_, I don't add. I know she wants that too.

Alex stiffens. "I told you, I don't want to talk about it."

"I know, baby, and we don't have to –"

"Olivia, just stop. Please."

I try not to let the hurt show on my face as I obediently fall silent, and we finish the ride home without another word.

When we get to our apartment, Alex goes to our bedroom and closes the door, and I get the hint that I'm not to join her. Instead, I go to the living room and lay down on the couch. I haven't slept well in what seems like months, whether I'm worried about Alex or a case or Alex is having nightmares or I'm working extra shifts. Since Alex has made it quite clear that she doesn't want my company, I decide to take a quick nap. I'll make dinner when I wake up. Maybe if I make Alex her favourite salad and chicken parmesan, she won't be so upset with me. As far as a gesture of apology goes, it's not much, but there's not much else I can do.

* * *

><p>When I wake up, Alex is curled up against me, her head tucked into the crook of my neck and one arm draped over my chest. I smile at the sight of her, looking so beautiful, her brow unfurrowed in sleep, her soft blonde hair splayed across my shoulders. Clearly she's not angry at me anymore, and I'm glad. I press a kiss to her forehead, and she stirs, looking up at me with an adorably sleepy expression, which changes to guilt in the heat of a moment. "Liv, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for the way I've been acting. I love you so much and I know you do the world for me – sometimes I just don't show it. I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you –"<p>

I silence her with a kiss and wrap my arms around her, rocking her gently in my arms. "Shh, baby. It's okay. It's okay. I know. I love you, too."

"No. No, it's not okay, Liv," she says, burying her face in my chest. "I – I have an appointment with Dr. Allen tomorrow. I think it's just my medication – I'll talk to her."

I smile at Alex and hold her against me. "I'm so proud of you, sweetheart."

Alex refuses to meet my eyes. "Liv, what if – what if . . ." She sniffles and finally looks up at me, her eyes wide and so full of pain that I flinch, the hurt I know she's feeling affecting me physically. "What if it's not – what if it's _not _the medication? What if this is just me now? What if I can't fix it? I can't keep hurting you like this – I can't keep doing this to you!" She starts to cry, tears rolling down her cheeks so rapidly that she can't get another word out. She just leans into me, and I do what I can to comfort her with my touch, running my fingers through her hair as she cries herself out.

"Lexi," I say after several long minutes, when she's finally silent, "I love you. Please know that, no matter what. I want to be with you forever. You're it for me, baby. In relationships, there are always going to be tough times, but that doesn't mean the relationship needs to end. I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't want to hurt you," she whimpers, clinging to me. "I don't like seeing you in pain. I don't like causing you pain. But I just can't – I don't know how to fix it, Liv. I don't know how to fix it."

I hold her tighter and kiss the crown of her head. "It's not something you have to fix, Alex. It's something we're going to have to work through together, and I'm in it for the long haul, baby. I love you."

"Why? Why do you love me?" she whispers, the words so full of pain that I feel my heart breaking.

"Oh, baby . . . you're _you_. That's all I want. That's it. I love you so much, and you know, I am so _lucky _to have you, sweetie. I am so lucky that I can call you mine. And that I'm yours, too."

Alex just sighs.


	16. Chapter 16

**Alex's POV**

As promised, I'm going to my appointment with Dr. Allen this afternoon at three-thirty. Olivia has promised to get off work early so she can take me. It's really not necessary for her to miss work, but she insists so I'm not going to fight her on this one. Besides, it will be nice to have her there. I'm going to ask her to sit in on our session today. I have some things to say that I want Olivia to hear.

Olivia left for work nearly an hour ago after we shared a nice breakfast together. I told her I think I'm going to start going for my morning runs again. It's been so long since I've gone and I'm starting to feel out of shape and lazy. And running has always been a nice outlet for me; I let my mind wander and mull over decisions during my runs. Some of the most critical decisions I've ever made have happened while I was running through Central Park.

I'm not sure about Olivia's reaction to this news. She _said_ she was happy I decided to get back out there and didn't specifically say anything negative about it, but I got the distinct impression that it made her feel uneasy. I can understand, really; she's worried about me. She's worried that someone may be out there looking for revenge for what happened to Corey. She doesn't have to say it – I know she's thinking it.

I hope to bring this up at my appointment today and see what Dr. Allen has to say to Olivia about it. Maybe I can make her understand that it would help me feel normal again. That easing back into my daily routine may help me heal.

I'm a little bit nervous for this afternoon – I don't want it to backfire in any way. I don't want to end up in a fight or upset with Olivia. But Olivia is rational and so am I and if we talk about this, I know we can work it out.

At least I hope so.

I have several hours before my appointment and instead of sitting around the apartment by myself like I have been doing for the past weeks, I've decided there's something I need to do. Something I need to make right that can't be put off any longer.

I have some people to apologize to for the way I have treated them. At the time I wasn't in my right state of mind – hell, I'm still not, but I'm better than I was then – but that's no excuse for behaving the way I did. Looking back on it now, I'm utterly ashamed of myself. I tarnished my reputation in almost one day; that's quite a feat.

I'm determined to be _me _again. Whatever it takes; I don't care. Olivia is with me, and together we can do it. I know it may take a long time to be Alex Cabot again, but I want to start down that road starting today. No more putting it off and feeling sorry for myself.

I go to see Liz Donnelly first. She's in court when I arrive in her chambers, so I sit in her office and wait almost an hour for her to return. During that time I rehearse just what it is I want to say to her. I don't want any more outbursts or out of line comments. I need to be me again to the people in my life, and part of being me is being able to use words efficiently. I've always been able to. Words have never failed me before. But now, when I need them the most, I just can't seem to find the right ones.

Liz is surprised to find me sitting on the sofa in her office. Obviously her secretary neglected to tell her I was waiting and I catch the almost hesitant expression on her face. It's not her usual reaction to me and I realize she doesn't know what to think right now. She can't seem to decide whether or not I'm going to fly off the handle again.

And I guess I deserve that.

"Alexandra," she says with a forced smile as I rise from the sofa and take a seat across from her desk as she sits down behind it. Her expression is still unreadable. "It's nice to see you again. What can I do for you?"

Straight to business. It was never this way between Liz and me. We'd always make small talk; not to fill an awkward silence, but because we really cared about the details of each other's lives. She'd listen to me talk about Olivia for far too long.

But this is what I've done. Liz –like everyone else – doesn't even know what to say to me. She thinks I'm fragile and the wrong words will break me or send me into a rage again.

It's my job to prove they _won't._

"Liz," I start, keep my voice strong and confident. I have her attention. "I know you're busy so I'll keep this short. I wanted to apologize for my behavior as of late. I've been going through a lot, as you know, but it's no excuse. The way I have been behaving is unacceptable and I'm deeply ashamed of myself. I wanted to apologize to you in person for the meltdown I had in front of Casey Novak and here in your office. You know that's not me, and I'm sorry. I'm starting to work on myself and the first steps I have to take is to apologize to the people I've hurt by my actions. I'm deeply sorry, Liz. I hope you haven't changed your opinion about me."

Wow, that was a mouthful. And it sounded better in my brain than it did on my tongue, but I hope that Liz appreciates and accepts it all the same.

After a minute or processing what I just said, Liz smiles at me. She reaches across her desk and squeezes my hand. "Apology accepted, Alexandra. I understand why you behaved the way you did, but I still appreciate you making it right. It took a lot of courage for you to come here today. I'm proud of you."

I feel a weight has been lifted off my chest and I actually let out a breath of relief. She forgives me. She still believes I'm _me_. Thank you," I manage to say, struggling to keep the emotion out of my voice.

Liz nods. "How are you doing with your therapy? Have you gone to see Dr. Olivet again?"

"I'm getting outside counseling. A doctor she referred me to. I'll have to speak to her again to be cleared to return for work, but so far I like Dr. Allen. I'm going to see her this afternoon in fact."

Liz seems pleased. "I'm glad to hear that, Alexandra. Things will get better. Just keep taking care of yourself. And let Olivia be there for you. She loves you."

I decide I've taken too much of Liz's time, so I stand and reach across the desk to shake her hand. But instead she comes around to my side and gives me a hug, telling me again that she's proud of me.

As she lets me go, she says, "Alexandra, you should apologize to Casey Novak as well."

"That's actually where I was headed next," I tell her.

"Good. But she's actually not in. She headed out to lunch right after court."

Great. "Do you know where?"

"I think she usually goes to the sandwich shop on Third, but I'm not certain. You're welcome to wait in her – " she stops herself mid-sentence. "In _your _office, if you'd like."

But I don't have to wait, and I want to get this over with as soon as possible, so I tell Liz I'll try and catch Casey at the sandwich shop and hurry out of the building.

I decide to walk. With traffic at this hour, walking will take far less time. And as I'm walking, I realize I'm nervous again. More nervous than I was with Liz, and I think I know why. I _know _Liz; Casey is pretty much a stranger to me. And she doesn't know anything about me either. Only that I went nuts in front of her and threw a statue through the glass plane on my door.

I'd have such a good impression of someone who did that in front of me. Wow, way to go Alex! Way to overreact.

The shop is busy when I arrive but I don't intend to eat so it's no problem for me. I fight my way through the line of customers waiting in front of the counter, and I find Casey at a table in the back. She's picking away at some type of grilled sandwich and reading a thick book that's lying open on the table.

She hasn't seen me and I hesitate a moment before I make my presence known. Maybe this was a mistake. She'll probably ask me to leave. I would if I were her. I should have waited in my office. Approaching her while she's out to lunch was a bad idea.

I almost turn around and walk out, but I instead I force myself to walk over to the table. I take a deep breath, pull the chair on the opposite side of the table out, and sit down without an invitation.

Casey looks up and quirks and eyebrow. It's clear I am the last person she expected to see. She closes her book and gives me a confused look. "Alex. Hi."

Not really a warm greeting, but I can't really blame her. I force myself to smile. "Hi. What are you reading?" I try to be friendly to make this a little easier.

Casey still seems surprised, but looks down at her book. "Just a book I wanted to read. Lunch is really my only downtime so I always bring it." I can tell she wants to ask me what the hell I'm doing here but she's playing the friendly game right back at me.

"I know how that is," I say sympathetically. I try to come up with someone else to break the ice, but come up empty-handed, so I just decide to go for it. "Look, I won't take up a lot of your time. I'm sorry to intrude on your personal time. I just needed to speak with you."

Casey nods. "Okay. What can I help you with?"

Go for it, Alex. Swallow your pride. "I wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened at our meeting. I was out of line. You were doing your job and I was feeling sorry for myself and resentful that you were in my office doing my job, and I took it out on you. It was wrong, and I'm really, truly sorry."

Casey doesn't say anything at first, so I throw in a little lightness. "And there's nothing here I can throw, so you don't have to worry about that."

She actually cracks a smile. "Fair enough. And it's okay; I understand you're going through a lot. But thanks for apologizing."

I feel more weight lifted off my chest. She accepts my apology too.

"I also wanted to say thank you for covering for me these past weeks. I understand you're doing a good job and I appreciate you with keeping up with everything." I leave out the part about not keeping my office in the condition I would. I don't think that would be appropriate right now. This is an apology, not a criticism.

Again, Casey smiles. "Thank you, Alex. I appreciate that. I'm doing my best."

I spend a few minutes making small talk before I excuse myself and leave her to her private time. As I walk out the door of the shop, I already feel better about myself.

Since my talk with Casey has gone so well, I decide to go see Olivia at work. With a bit of a spring in my step, I start toward the precinct.

The security guard at the door to the precinct looks surprised to see me, but he doesn't say anything. Of course he knows who I am; probably everyone does now, and not as their esteemed and successful ADA, either. On any other day, this would depress me, but today I'm not going to let anything get me down.

Olivia is sitting at her desk when I walk into the squad room, hunched over a DD-5. I walk toward her and she looks up, her face breaking into a wide smile when she sees me. "Hey, Alex," she says, getting to her feet and giving me a quick hug. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

I smile back and kiss her cheek. "Nothing in particular. I just thought I'd come say hello to my girlfriend."

"Well, I'm glad you did. You can keep me company for a couple hours if you like, and then we can go to your appointment together."

"Sounds good to me." I pull up a chair beside her. "I brought a book, just in case."

Olivia chuckles. "Oh, Alex. Always prepared."

I grin at her. "Well, I was a Girl Scout."

"Oh, please. I can't imagine you going camping."

"It wasn't fun, let me tell you that. The first camping trip, it rained for two days and there were so many bugs – it was disgusting. On the second day I called my mother to come get me. It was awful!"

Olivia laughs. "Now that sounds like the Alex I know."

* * *

><p>Several hours later, we're sitting in the car on the way to my appointment, Olivia's warm, strong hand clutching mine. It feels right to have her hold my hand like this. Safe. I know I'm always safe whenever Olivia is close. "I love you, Liv," I say out of nowhere, and she looks at me, giving me a lopsided smile and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with her free hand.<p>

"Love you, too, baby," she says, returning her hand to the steering wheel and clicking on the turning signal.

"I want you to sit in on my session with Dr. Allen today." I pause and try again. "Will you sit in on my session with Dr. Allen today? Please?"

She smiles. "Of course, sweetie. Any particular reason?"

"I just have some things I want you to hear."

Olivia squeezes my hand. "I'm so proud of you, baby."

I squeeze her hand back and smile. Olivia's proud of me, and she loves me, and she's holding my hand right now, and I know everything is going to be okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

Alex and I are sitting in Dr. Allen's office, on her couch. I'm still holding Alex's hand, because I can tell part of her needs it right now and is deriving comfort from it, even though she'll never say so.

Dr. Allen sits there watching us for a few moments before turning to Alex and breaking the silence. "How has your week been, Alex?"

Alex looks at me and then back at her therapist. "Hard," she says quietly, and I give her hand a squeeze.

"How has it been going with your medication?"

Alex sighs. "I haven't been feeling as sick, but my moods are all over the place. I don't want to keep taking it. It's not helping."

"You know that it can take awhile to kick in –"

"I don't care." Then she sighs again. "I'll give it another week. That's not really what I wanted to talk about."

"Then what did you want to talk about?"

Alex looks at me again. "I went to apologize to Casey Novak and Liz today."

"And how did that go?" Dr. Allen asks.

"Better than I thought it would." She holds my gaze. "I think I need to apologize to you, too, Liv. You've put up with everything I've thrown at you and I know it's been really hard for you. I'm sorry for leaving you to go to that hotel one time and then going to Abbie's and for being so distant and pushing you away and being so moody and not appreciating you – I'm just so, so sorry, Liv. I love you more than anything and you've been nothing but good to me and I don't know what I'd do without you. Please forgive me?"

My words stick in my throat. I want to tell her there's nothing to be sorry for, that I forgave her already, that I love her, too, but I feel tears rushing to my eyes and I think if I say anything, I'll cry. Maybe it's just that she's apologized to me so many times over the past few weeks or that she looks so small and scared and sad, or the way she's clutching my hand like a lifeline. I can't say a word. Instead, I lean over to gently kiss her cheek and wrap my free arm around her shoulder, hugging her close to me.

I feel Alex's body tense and her eyes flicker up to meet mine, this time shining with uncertainty. "Please forgive me, Liv," she says again, and I give her a squeeze, finally finding my words.

"I already did, Alex. You don't have to worry, okay? We've got a clean slate. I'm not holding anything against you. I love you. Nothing could ever make me stop loving you."

She nods, curling closer to me and tucking her head into the crook of my neck. "So we're okay?"

"Yeah, baby. We're okay." I press a kiss to the crown of her head.

I hold her in silence for several minutes, until she sits up and looks at Dr. Allen and then back to me. "Liv, I – I want to get better. I really do. I just wish – I just – I don't think I can do it by myself. I wish I could, but – but I don't – I don't think I can."

"Baby, you don't have to. No one's asking you to do this alone. I'm here, and I love you, and I will do everything in my power to help you."

Alex nods, picking at a thread on her jeans. "I just don't want you to have to take care of me," she says softly. "I was never like this before. I'm not the woman you fell in love with anymore, Liv." Then the tears come, cascading down her cheeks in silent rivers of pain. "I don't want to be a burden –"

I hug her tightly, as if I can hold her close enough for her to be able to physically transfer her pain to me. "Alex – Alex, you could _never _be a burden to me." I think for a minute, searching for the perfect words and coming up empty. I glance at Dr. Allen, who has been watching us silently for the past few minutes. "I – I think it's time for us to go," I say, because it probably is, and because I want to take Alex home and hold her and comfort her in private, and I know she hates other people seeing her like this.

Dr. Allen nods. "I'll see you next week, Alex," she says gently. "Please remember to keep taking your medication. It's important."

I can tell Alex doesn't really hear her. She clutches my hand as I help her to her feet and doesn't let go for the whole walk down to the car, only briefly releasing her grip on my hand to buckle her seatbelt. "I'm sorry, Liv," she says as soon as we're in the car with the doors closed, staring at the ground. "I didn't mean to do that – I didn't mean to get so upset – I'm sorry –"

"Shh, baby. It's okay." I take her hand and bring it to my lips, pressing a kiss to each of her knuckles. "It's okay. I understand –"

"I had other things I wanted to talk about with Dr. Allen and with you and I didn't mean to get so emotional – it's the pills, it has to be the pills . . ."

I wait a couple minutes for Alex to calm down, holding her hand and stroking her wrist with the pad of my thumb. I know now isn't a good time to really discuss anything, so I'm careful to keep my voice calm and measured as I say, "When we get home, we can still talk about whatever you want to talk about, and I'll come to your session next week if you want me there. It's okay, Alex. I know apologizing to Liz and Casey was hard for you, and I'm really, really proud of you for doing it. But I want you to know you don't need to apologize to me. You haven't done anything wrong, baby, and I love you and I really, truly _want _to be here for you."

Alex nods, squeezing my hand. "We'll talk when we get home?"

"Yeah, sweetie. I promise."

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later, when we've both had time to recover from the roiling emotions Alex shared in Dr. Allen's office, Alex sits down across from me on our bed and says with a flash of the determination she's so well known for, "I want to start going on my runs again."<p>

I take a deep breath. "Alex, we discussed this –"

"Not really. This is important to me. I know you worry about me and it's one of the things I love about you, but it's time for me to start getting back to normal. And for me, that's normal. I do some of my best thinking while I'm running, and it really helps me feel less anxious."

Put that way, how can I keep her from going out running without feeling like the meanest girlfriend in the world? I just want to protect her, and I know Alex knows that, but she's not a child, and maybe I'm smothering her. I just don't know what I'd do if anything happened to her. "How about we go out running together?" I finally say; a compromise.

"Liv, I don't need a babysitter –"

"I know, sweetie. But some time in the mornings, just the two of us, would be nice, and at least I'd know you're safe and I wouldn't be worrying about you."

Alex sighs. "Fine. But just to try it out for this week, and if I want to go out myself after that, you won't give me a hard time."

"Deal." That was surprisingly easy.

"Liv, I really just want to start getting my life back together."

I slide over to her and kiss her cheek. "I know, Alex."

She rests her head on my shoulder. "And I think this is a start."


End file.
